Yikes
I am one of those women that really loves being a woman. All of it. From the glamorous fashionista luxuries (I do love me some accessorizing and a sephora gift certificate) to the maternal, domestic goddess creative days where baking fresh bread and crafting for hours alone at the table are still not enough, to the brooding days of our lunar cycle where solitude and journal writing are a must. I actually took a course in college called Women and the Menstrual Cycle and loved every moment of it. I feel at home with my hormones and feel lucky to live each and every day as a woman.
That being said, today I'm not so sure.
Today I have cried in traffic and alienated coworkers with my frightening, bloated face. Today I have found something sad and wrong with every aspect of my wonderful, bountiful life. Today I am not grateful. Today I am someone that I don't even enjoy being with.
I know that there's nothing any of you can do about it, but I thought I would share.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Tests on a Saturday?
I'm being tested.
My life is full to the brim with cream of the crop people. Truly compassionate, giving, funny, loyal, golden people. I may be the luckiest woman in the world. Or at least it can feel like that at times.
But lately, as I've mentioned in previous posts, there are a few people (coworkers, insecure aquaintances, and previous friends) who feel the need to say and do and say intentionally hurtful things to and about me. Although I pretend that it doesn't bother me, it can take its toll.
After thinking a lot about these people and their strange need to strike out at me, I've decided that this must be a test. God or the Universe or Mother Nature...whomever...must be trying to challenge me. To see how I will react. Will I allow these people who ride the periphery of my life to define what kind of person I am or how I feel about myself? Or will I choose to see them as the roadblocks that they are and choose to feel sad that they obvioulsy don't have the lovely spport system that I am blessed with. If they did, why would they spend so much energy hating me?
So I have a choice. And after losing much sleep last night, I am choosing option number two.
Who knew that adulthood would come with its ow set of SAT's?
I'm being tested.
My life is full to the brim with cream of the crop people. Truly compassionate, giving, funny, loyal, golden people. I may be the luckiest woman in the world. Or at least it can feel like that at times.
But lately, as I've mentioned in previous posts, there are a few people (coworkers, insecure aquaintances, and previous friends) who feel the need to say and do and say intentionally hurtful things to and about me. Although I pretend that it doesn't bother me, it can take its toll.
After thinking a lot about these people and their strange need to strike out at me, I've decided that this must be a test. God or the Universe or Mother Nature...whomever...must be trying to challenge me. To see how I will react. Will I allow these people who ride the periphery of my life to define what kind of person I am or how I feel about myself? Or will I choose to see them as the roadblocks that they are and choose to feel sad that they obvioulsy don't have the lovely spport system that I am blessed with. If they did, why would they spend so much energy hating me?
So I have a choice. And after losing much sleep last night, I am choosing option number two.
Who knew that adulthood would come with its ow set of SAT's?
Thursday, October 11, 2007
In Need of a List
cranberry cream cheese dip, weekends away with Bobby in Rockport, 4-day long wedding festivities, squash soup, kitty head bands, Big Lots ornament dividers in my future, Debbie Gibson kareoke, Nina's couch, taking one class next semester, Tori Amos, online grocery coupons, dreaming of sushi, seasonal tastes and smells, making the worst piece of pottery ever, pumpkins everywhere, my mom and her new journey, footless tights, wanting to adopt every animal at the fair, making my bed 90% of the time, Grace's Halloween cupcakes, long underwear inspired shirts, new necklaces, turkey burgers with cheese cooked inside of them, Bobby's cat Jones, pumpkin flavors everywhere, sweaters, whole wheat pancakes, saying "I love you" with my feet at night, scrapbooking all alone, flavored coffee creamers....Here's to a weekend full of these treasures and more....
cranberry cream cheese dip, weekends away with Bobby in Rockport, 4-day long wedding festivities, squash soup, kitty head bands, Big Lots ornament dividers in my future, Debbie Gibson kareoke, Nina's couch, taking one class next semester, Tori Amos, online grocery coupons, dreaming of sushi, seasonal tastes and smells, making the worst piece of pottery ever, pumpkins everywhere, my mom and her new journey, footless tights, wanting to adopt every animal at the fair, making my bed 90% of the time, Grace's Halloween cupcakes, long underwear inspired shirts, new necklaces, turkey burgers with cheese cooked inside of them, Bobby's cat Jones, pumpkin flavors everywhere, sweaters, whole wheat pancakes, saying "I love you" with my feet at night, scrapbooking all alone, flavored coffee creamers....Here's to a weekend full of these treasures and more....
Monday, October 01, 2007
Surrender
I haven't blogged in a month.
It is what it is.
At least that's what I'm trying to tell myself. I'm struggling these days with the idea of things being "enough." I am hitting an interesting point in my life. Up until now, I have been very fortunate in both my school and work life. In my academic endevours I studied hard, showed up to class ready to learn and processed as much as my little head and heart could take in. Teachers and professors loved me from preschool to graduate school. Once I began the job-portion of my life, this work ethic translated beautifully. I was on time, worked as hard as I could and always had a huge smile on my face even in the worst of circumstances. Bosses and coworkers loved me.
So what happens when the luck runs out?
Let me start by saying that I still adore my job. It is difficult but rewarding. The commute is awful but my volunteers and patients make it all worthwhile. And the majority of my coworkers are lovely and make me proud to call them my peers.
But there is one person who I cannot please no matter what I do. And who i believe has made it her personal mission to make me look bad.
I know what you're thinking: she's paranoid. i thought the same thing of myself at first. When this whole thing began a year ago I told myself that I was acting crazy. I thought, "just work as hard as you can and she will figure out that she is wrong." Nope. Then i thougt, "kill her with kindness. She'll have to give in. " Two strikes. And then, after aquiring concrete evidence that she is out to get me, I had to give in to the reality of it. And it feel terrible.
But why I ask you, does it even matter? If I know in my heart that I am doing a great job, and certainly working as hard as I can, and that all of my other colleagues love working with me and show me tremendous support and positive reinforcement, why does it matter that one woman hates me? Am I that dependant on others' thoughts of me, that her dislike can make me lose countless nights sleep? And make me question finding a new job???
Obvioulsy, the problem lies within myself.
So, my new mission is to surrender to the fact that she will never like me. Never praise me. Never be proud to be my coworker. And it's okay.
I am waving my white flag...at least for tonight....
I haven't blogged in a month.
It is what it is.
At least that's what I'm trying to tell myself. I'm struggling these days with the idea of things being "enough." I am hitting an interesting point in my life. Up until now, I have been very fortunate in both my school and work life. In my academic endevours I studied hard, showed up to class ready to learn and processed as much as my little head and heart could take in. Teachers and professors loved me from preschool to graduate school. Once I began the job-portion of my life, this work ethic translated beautifully. I was on time, worked as hard as I could and always had a huge smile on my face even in the worst of circumstances. Bosses and coworkers loved me.
So what happens when the luck runs out?
Let me start by saying that I still adore my job. It is difficult but rewarding. The commute is awful but my volunteers and patients make it all worthwhile. And the majority of my coworkers are lovely and make me proud to call them my peers.
But there is one person who I cannot please no matter what I do. And who i believe has made it her personal mission to make me look bad.
I know what you're thinking: she's paranoid. i thought the same thing of myself at first. When this whole thing began a year ago I told myself that I was acting crazy. I thought, "just work as hard as you can and she will figure out that she is wrong." Nope. Then i thougt, "kill her with kindness. She'll have to give in. " Two strikes. And then, after aquiring concrete evidence that she is out to get me, I had to give in to the reality of it. And it feel terrible.
But why I ask you, does it even matter? If I know in my heart that I am doing a great job, and certainly working as hard as I can, and that all of my other colleagues love working with me and show me tremendous support and positive reinforcement, why does it matter that one woman hates me? Am I that dependant on others' thoughts of me, that her dislike can make me lose countless nights sleep? And make me question finding a new job???
Obvioulsy, the problem lies within myself.
So, my new mission is to surrender to the fact that she will never like me. Never praise me. Never be proud to be my coworker. And it's okay.
I am waving my white flag...at least for tonight....
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
Back to Life
Well once again my blogging life has taken a backseat to real life. Not that this is a bad thing necessarily. But I can't believe that an entire season...nearly two.... have passed since my last entry. Spring was just beginning to blossom and now fall is on the horizon. Well, at least in the mornings. I love leaving my house for work and feeling that crisp air on my face. I am a fall lover. No two ways about it. So, to welcome myself back, here are five things:
1. The recent long weekend filled with just enough time spent being social and energetic with family and friends ( 3 gatherings just on on Sunday) as well as cuddling up with my sweet man on the couch with pints (and yes I said pints) of delicious gelato and movies.
2. My application to grad school smiling at me on my desk. I am both nervous and so excited to be back to school again. Oh-and even better-finding out that I can take the MAT instead of the GRE for admission which means NO MATH! The sweetest words in the english language for yours truly.
3. The anticipation of my new niece or nephew that is growing inside of my sister-in-law's belly as we speak. 3 months from today I will be an auntie and Godmother again if all goes as planned. I can't wait to rub my hands all over his or her teeny face.
4. My new kitchen table (well, new to me anyway) that makes my home seem more friendly. I sat at it last night with a friend for the first time and it felt so warm and familiar. here's to many more gatherings with loved ones at that table.
5. My upcoming annual long weekend with the girls in P-Town. I look forward to much laughter and catching up with old friends. And then a Tuesday spent with just myself. Reading, yoga, scrapbooking....I can't wait.
So that's me and my five things. It feels good to be back!
Well once again my blogging life has taken a backseat to real life. Not that this is a bad thing necessarily. But I can't believe that an entire season...nearly two.... have passed since my last entry. Spring was just beginning to blossom and now fall is on the horizon. Well, at least in the mornings. I love leaving my house for work and feeling that crisp air on my face. I am a fall lover. No two ways about it. So, to welcome myself back, here are five things:
1. The recent long weekend filled with just enough time spent being social and energetic with family and friends ( 3 gatherings just on on Sunday) as well as cuddling up with my sweet man on the couch with pints (and yes I said pints) of delicious gelato and movies.
2. My application to grad school smiling at me on my desk. I am both nervous and so excited to be back to school again. Oh-and even better-finding out that I can take the MAT instead of the GRE for admission which means NO MATH! The sweetest words in the english language for yours truly.
3. The anticipation of my new niece or nephew that is growing inside of my sister-in-law's belly as we speak. 3 months from today I will be an auntie and Godmother again if all goes as planned. I can't wait to rub my hands all over his or her teeny face.
4. My new kitchen table (well, new to me anyway) that makes my home seem more friendly. I sat at it last night with a friend for the first time and it felt so warm and familiar. here's to many more gatherings with loved ones at that table.
5. My upcoming annual long weekend with the girls in P-Town. I look forward to much laughter and catching up with old friends. And then a Tuesday spent with just myself. Reading, yoga, scrapbooking....I can't wait.
So that's me and my five things. It feels good to be back!
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
LaLaLaLife is Wonderful....
I just can't seem to settle myself down in front of the computer for anything once work is over these days. I am so resentful that I have to spend so many gorgeous days saddled to my job (as much as I might Love it) that the thought of typing even one word after hours is just impossible to me.
No, this is wrong. I sound as though I am a Negative Nelly right now, but actually my life is as lovely as it comes these days. Hence the title...
Firstly there's the sunshine. Not right now as the sky looks like a child on the verge of a tantrum. But the air has been remarkably mild and kind these days, and as someone with an undiagnosed, yet very real, seasonal affective disorder situaton going on, I couldn't be more euphoric.
Secondly, I have been taking the absolute best care of my body lately and it feels so good! After a much-needed and well-deserved lazy gluttonous winter (as all winters should be) I have now been devoting my funds to as many natural and organic foods as my wallet can manage and I've been exercising almost daily. I feel alive, totally in tune with my body and high on much-needed endorphins. i also had a wonderful holistic-affirming experience last week. My doctor at the ER warned me that I would be in an unbearable amount of pain after a car accident and that I would be unable to return to work for a day or two. Yet after an hour of yoga post-accident, my body recuperated so well that I was in my car at 7:30 am on my way back to the office the very next day. it felt so great to have healed my own physical pain. Empowering is the word I believe. Go stretchy muscles!
My familial relationships and friendships seem to be thriving as well. I feel that, for the first time that i can remember, I have a good solid connection with all the important peeps in my world. Normally there is at least one or two people that I neglect in order to spend ample time with others. But after a combination of weeding through the bad apples and being honest with how i enjoy spending my time, I seem to have found a healthy, attainable middle-ground between alone time and time with those that I Love. It's about time...
And for my last pollyanna paragraph-the boy. Well, 9 dates in (!!!!) he just keeps getting better. Saturday night he made me a delicious healthy dinner. The thing that makes me swoon (yes i said 'swoon') is that he just puts so much thought and effort into everything. I feel so lucky! I introduced him to gelato ( how could we take our relationship further if he doesn't like gelato?) and we sat on his couch with our mini shovels (i brought pink and blue-I am becoming lamer by the second!) and ate out of the container. It was unreal. And after two hints from him about how he hasn't met any of my friends yet, I have begrudgungly made dinner plans with my friend Erin and her SO for Friday night. I'm trying so hard to act like a normal girl and not a girl with major relationship fears. And i think he buys it. So far so good. I'm just trying to enjoy it day by day...
until next time....
I just can't seem to settle myself down in front of the computer for anything once work is over these days. I am so resentful that I have to spend so many gorgeous days saddled to my job (as much as I might Love it) that the thought of typing even one word after hours is just impossible to me.
No, this is wrong. I sound as though I am a Negative Nelly right now, but actually my life is as lovely as it comes these days. Hence the title...
Firstly there's the sunshine. Not right now as the sky looks like a child on the verge of a tantrum. But the air has been remarkably mild and kind these days, and as someone with an undiagnosed, yet very real, seasonal affective disorder situaton going on, I couldn't be more euphoric.
Secondly, I have been taking the absolute best care of my body lately and it feels so good! After a much-needed and well-deserved lazy gluttonous winter (as all winters should be) I have now been devoting my funds to as many natural and organic foods as my wallet can manage and I've been exercising almost daily. I feel alive, totally in tune with my body and high on much-needed endorphins. i also had a wonderful holistic-affirming experience last week. My doctor at the ER warned me that I would be in an unbearable amount of pain after a car accident and that I would be unable to return to work for a day or two. Yet after an hour of yoga post-accident, my body recuperated so well that I was in my car at 7:30 am on my way back to the office the very next day. it felt so great to have healed my own physical pain. Empowering is the word I believe. Go stretchy muscles!
My familial relationships and friendships seem to be thriving as well. I feel that, for the first time that i can remember, I have a good solid connection with all the important peeps in my world. Normally there is at least one or two people that I neglect in order to spend ample time with others. But after a combination of weeding through the bad apples and being honest with how i enjoy spending my time, I seem to have found a healthy, attainable middle-ground between alone time and time with those that I Love. It's about time...
And for my last pollyanna paragraph-the boy. Well, 9 dates in (!!!!) he just keeps getting better. Saturday night he made me a delicious healthy dinner. The thing that makes me swoon (yes i said 'swoon') is that he just puts so much thought and effort into everything. I feel so lucky! I introduced him to gelato ( how could we take our relationship further if he doesn't like gelato?) and we sat on his couch with our mini shovels (i brought pink and blue-I am becoming lamer by the second!) and ate out of the container. It was unreal. And after two hints from him about how he hasn't met any of my friends yet, I have begrudgungly made dinner plans with my friend Erin and her SO for Friday night. I'm trying so hard to act like a normal girl and not a girl with major relationship fears. And i think he buys it. So far so good. I'm just trying to enjoy it day by day...
until next time....
Thursday, May 03, 2007
The Beauty of a Mango
I think that blogging once a week is my new goal. Beyond that I just can't seem to make it happen at the moment. So if I can at least write one entry a week I will be satisfied. I started this entry on Tuesday morning. It is Thursday afternoon. See what I mean?
So here are the highlights:
Last weekend was a whirlwind. Full is an understatement. After a drunken fun-filled Thursday night with friends and the new boy (insert big smile here) I spent most of Friday night on my couch relaxing and preparing for an unusual Saturday morning of work.
Saturday was fantastic. i was heading to my conference bright and early-ice coffee and luna bar in hand by 8am and on my way to hear one of my very favorite end-of-life-care speakers, Maria Sirios. She presented a workshop on Boundaries for the Hospice Caregiver and, as usual, she was informative and inspiring. I bought her book and had her sign it. i'm such a nerd. It is a memoir of her internship year spent working with children at the Dana Farber Cancer Institute. it may sound depressing but it is just the opposite. It is life affirming and filled with compassion and reminders of how lucky we all are to be here and to be healthy and simply alive. We can all use that reminder from time to time....
Saturday night and Sunday day were spent with many friends and family. Suprise 40th b-day parties, some late-night live music to support and old friend at a local pub and one of my favorite musicals with my nana. Sweet, fun and relaxing.
Sunday night was by far the pinnacle of the weekend! Date numero 3 with the boy. And as impossible as I thought it might be-he got cuter and sweeter. He shows up at my door holding a mango. why you ask? Well, so did I. "i went to buy you flowers but they were ugly and I know you love fruit. I figured that you would have apples and oranges. But I assumed you wouldn't have a mango." He took me for delicious sushi and we shared the mango for dessert.
What else is there left to say? He gets me. I can't believe it but he does. Here's hoping...
I think that blogging once a week is my new goal. Beyond that I just can't seem to make it happen at the moment. So if I can at least write one entry a week I will be satisfied. I started this entry on Tuesday morning. It is Thursday afternoon. See what I mean?
So here are the highlights:
Last weekend was a whirlwind. Full is an understatement. After a drunken fun-filled Thursday night with friends and the new boy (insert big smile here) I spent most of Friday night on my couch relaxing and preparing for an unusual Saturday morning of work.
Saturday was fantastic. i was heading to my conference bright and early-ice coffee and luna bar in hand by 8am and on my way to hear one of my very favorite end-of-life-care speakers, Maria Sirios. She presented a workshop on Boundaries for the Hospice Caregiver and, as usual, she was informative and inspiring. I bought her book and had her sign it. i'm such a nerd. It is a memoir of her internship year spent working with children at the Dana Farber Cancer Institute. it may sound depressing but it is just the opposite. It is life affirming and filled with compassion and reminders of how lucky we all are to be here and to be healthy and simply alive. We can all use that reminder from time to time....
Saturday night and Sunday day were spent with many friends and family. Suprise 40th b-day parties, some late-night live music to support and old friend at a local pub and one of my favorite musicals with my nana. Sweet, fun and relaxing.
Sunday night was by far the pinnacle of the weekend! Date numero 3 with the boy. And as impossible as I thought it might be-he got cuter and sweeter. He shows up at my door holding a mango. why you ask? Well, so did I. "i went to buy you flowers but they were ugly and I know you love fruit. I figured that you would have apples and oranges. But I assumed you wouldn't have a mango." He took me for delicious sushi and we shared the mango for dessert.
What else is there left to say? He gets me. I can't believe it but he does. Here's hoping...
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Sunshine on My Shoulder Makes me Happy...
Okay-I am here to write a "real" post. I apologize for the lame typo-filled entry yesterday, but I knew that if I didn't just jump on and go with it when I had time, there was no hope.
I am sitting here in my living room next to an open window and relishing in the goodness that is Springtime in New England. We don't get much of it and it is unpredictable to say the least. But it is life-changing beautiful. It makes me want to take deep breaths all day long just to get it all in.
So now that my life without the West Coasters is settling down I feel like I can slooow down a bit. Before they arrived I was turning into a workaholic. After much self-reflection I firmly decided to let that over-achieving dog lie. It took me years to extract her from my life before. I'll be damed if she takes over again.
But then Ness and Bren got here and I barely had time to breathe. I missed my couch!! It was wonderful but insane. So now I am trying to ease back into normalcy. And this weather certainly helps. It has it's way of forcing you to take life at a softer pace and just be here. Because you never know when it will snow again....and I think that I need those gentle reminders.
So I am officially embarking upon my first day of Springtime Jess. I hope you are all relishing in whatever you've got...
Okay-I am here to write a "real" post. I apologize for the lame typo-filled entry yesterday, but I knew that if I didn't just jump on and go with it when I had time, there was no hope.
I am sitting here in my living room next to an open window and relishing in the goodness that is Springtime in New England. We don't get much of it and it is unpredictable to say the least. But it is life-changing beautiful. It makes me want to take deep breaths all day long just to get it all in.
So now that my life without the West Coasters is settling down I feel like I can slooow down a bit. Before they arrived I was turning into a workaholic. After much self-reflection I firmly decided to let that over-achieving dog lie. It took me years to extract her from my life before. I'll be damed if she takes over again.
But then Ness and Bren got here and I barely had time to breathe. I missed my couch!! It was wonderful but insane. So now I am trying to ease back into normalcy. And this weather certainly helps. It has it's way of forcing you to take life at a softer pace and just be here. Because you never know when it will snow again....and I think that I need those gentle reminders.
So I am officially embarking upon my first day of Springtime Jess. I hope you are all relishing in whatever you've got...
Monday, April 23, 2007
Long Time No See
I can't even comprehend how long it has been since my last post. i don't know where the time has gone...truly. I just caught up on everyone else's posts and I feel better at least knowing where everyone is at. I have a few moments before my evening class arrives so I figured that I would jump on here and do what I can.
-My best buds were here from LA for the week and it was fantastic as usual. Lots of music, food and laughter. We registered her little sis for her bridal shower, sang at a function with a real live kareoke machine (both humiliating and fabulous), pulled off a suprise 25th anniversary party and just had a generally great time. I am a little depressed today now that they are gone. It is always such a whilrwind when they are here and the crash is inevitable. But they will be back in a month so I focus on that.
-i went on the most fantastic date on Friday night. Really. Just fabulous. He asked me to go out again that night but I haven't heard from him since. I'm not a dater so i'm trying not to panic. And I'm also trying to remind myself that even if he doesn't call I can't get all upset about it. It's not a reflection of me lovability....right? We'll see how that goes...
Okay, that's all the time I've got. Until later...
I can't even comprehend how long it has been since my last post. i don't know where the time has gone...truly. I just caught up on everyone else's posts and I feel better at least knowing where everyone is at. I have a few moments before my evening class arrives so I figured that I would jump on here and do what I can.
-My best buds were here from LA for the week and it was fantastic as usual. Lots of music, food and laughter. We registered her little sis for her bridal shower, sang at a function with a real live kareoke machine (both humiliating and fabulous), pulled off a suprise 25th anniversary party and just had a generally great time. I am a little depressed today now that they are gone. It is always such a whilrwind when they are here and the crash is inevitable. But they will be back in a month so I focus on that.
-i went on the most fantastic date on Friday night. Really. Just fabulous. He asked me to go out again that night but I haven't heard from him since. I'm not a dater so i'm trying not to panic. And I'm also trying to remind myself that even if he doesn't call I can't get all upset about it. It's not a reflection of me lovability....right? We'll see how that goes...
Okay, that's all the time I've got. Until later...
Sunday, April 01, 2007
Anyone Up for some Homerun Derby?
Let me start by saying that I am a true New Englander. As much as i complain and moan about the bitter winter I could never live happily without seasons. There is something so invigorating about the transition from one season to the next. It reminds you of the possibilty...no the inevitability...of change. I thrive under these seasonal circumstances. They breathe life into me no matter how dire my situation may be.
That being said, the major drawback to this is the nostalgia that seems to follow in tow. I spent 6 years with my ex-off and on. Sometimes much more off than on. But nonetheless we spent many a season together. With that came the many seasonal activities. There in lies that nostalgia.
On beatiful early springs Sundays like this we would be on fire. He would wake me up singing his off-key rendition of Lionel Ritchie's "Easy Like Sunday Morning" in my ear and before we knew it some of our friends would be at the door ready with cookout gear in hand. We's all head outside and enjoy the hell out of the great weather. Wiffle ball, card playing, cold beer, delicious steak tips, pasta salad, loud old school music and good friends.
And that's why, even though I know that we could never work out and I was the one that put the period on our relationship, I still yearn for those days. We had a real life together. With patterns, routines and a community. And now someone else is living that life with him. Those cookouts, those friends, those rituals. And as much as I do Love my life....and I do...it's hard not to miss the old days. Especially on days like today when I have to be creative and really struggle to figure out how to use these beautiful spring days all on my own. I've taken a walk, run some errands...and now what?
They say that good stuff is always the most difficult...here's to the pot of gold at the end of this road that I'm constatly trying to see as a rainbow...
Let me start by saying that I am a true New Englander. As much as i complain and moan about the bitter winter I could never live happily without seasons. There is something so invigorating about the transition from one season to the next. It reminds you of the possibilty...no the inevitability...of change. I thrive under these seasonal circumstances. They breathe life into me no matter how dire my situation may be.
That being said, the major drawback to this is the nostalgia that seems to follow in tow. I spent 6 years with my ex-off and on. Sometimes much more off than on. But nonetheless we spent many a season together. With that came the many seasonal activities. There in lies that nostalgia.
On beatiful early springs Sundays like this we would be on fire. He would wake me up singing his off-key rendition of Lionel Ritchie's "Easy Like Sunday Morning" in my ear and before we knew it some of our friends would be at the door ready with cookout gear in hand. We's all head outside and enjoy the hell out of the great weather. Wiffle ball, card playing, cold beer, delicious steak tips, pasta salad, loud old school music and good friends.
And that's why, even though I know that we could never work out and I was the one that put the period on our relationship, I still yearn for those days. We had a real life together. With patterns, routines and a community. And now someone else is living that life with him. Those cookouts, those friends, those rituals. And as much as I do Love my life....and I do...it's hard not to miss the old days. Especially on days like today when I have to be creative and really struggle to figure out how to use these beautiful spring days all on my own. I've taken a walk, run some errands...and now what?
They say that good stuff is always the most difficult...here's to the pot of gold at the end of this road that I'm constatly trying to see as a rainbow...
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Thank You List-Inspired by Free Iced Coffee Day at Dunkin Donuts.jpg)
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Free iced coffee yesterday (clearly), my Dad (whose b-day is today), my dearest friend Janessa who I only get closer and closer to as the years go on (22 and counting) even though we haven't lived on the same coast for years, throwing my first dinner party in my new place on Sat night for my Dad's b-day, a Friday night full of relaxation tomorrow, my much-needed massage w/ Nina tonight, pandora.com, juicy green grapes for an afternoon snack, the phallic salad and scrumptious pizza last night at our weekly gathering and the great conversation that ensued b/c we didn't turn on the TV at dinner, my healthy body that has worked out twice so far this week and Loved it, my notebook full of book/CD recommendations in my purse, my new read-Wicked-waiting for me on my nightstand, myjobmyjobmyjob, singing 2 upcoming events and making some cash doing what I Love, the lovely spring day...
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Some Call this Work
This job of mine is a gift beyond anything I ever could've imagined. As each day passes I meet more and more incredible people that reaffirm that Love truly exists...is abundant even...in this cynical world. Monday night I had my 3rd training class w/ my new volunteers who came with runny noses and a milion things on their plates. They came for the sole purpose of giving their time and hearts to people in need. For no monetary gain, no praise-just because.
Yesterday I started the morning at Healing Hour-a monthly guided-meditation/support session led by our chaplain. We all sat in a candle lit room with the sounds of the ocean lpaying and shared what it is to be a caretaker for the dying. The beauty disguised as sadness. The way it forces you to reframe (thanks Nin) your life and how you experience each moment.
And today really tops it all. I just finished a 2 hour meeting with a Harvard Film student who is getting her PhD in medical anthropology and the dying experience. I found her because I am interested in doing a volunteer-based documentary on the face of the hospice patient. We sat in my office and talked about everything from death rituals in Thialand to the therapuetic value of laughter to what it means to truly be alive. And I got paid for this??!!
Goodness really does reap goodness.
This job of mine is a gift beyond anything I ever could've imagined. As each day passes I meet more and more incredible people that reaffirm that Love truly exists...is abundant even...in this cynical world. Monday night I had my 3rd training class w/ my new volunteers who came with runny noses and a milion things on their plates. They came for the sole purpose of giving their time and hearts to people in need. For no monetary gain, no praise-just because.
Yesterday I started the morning at Healing Hour-a monthly guided-meditation/support session led by our chaplain. We all sat in a candle lit room with the sounds of the ocean lpaying and shared what it is to be a caretaker for the dying. The beauty disguised as sadness. The way it forces you to reframe (thanks Nin) your life and how you experience each moment.
And today really tops it all. I just finished a 2 hour meeting with a Harvard Film student who is getting her PhD in medical anthropology and the dying experience. I found her because I am interested in doing a volunteer-based documentary on the face of the hospice patient. We sat in my office and talked about everything from death rituals in Thialand to the therapuetic value of laughter to what it means to truly be alive. And I got paid for this??!!
Goodness really does reap goodness.
Monday, March 19, 2007
An Invitation to my Party
So, it's nights like tonight that I have to drop my cool exterior and give in to the loneliness. Nights when I finally get home from a draining day of work at the daunting hour of 10pm and have not much to look forward to except getting up and doing it again at 7am tomorrow. And I have to face the fact that, no matter how much I wish I were above it, I would give anything to have someone to greet me with Love and a desire to share my story. Most nights I can relish in the new book that I've purchased, movie that I've rented or yoga routine that I've got planned. And it's not a lack of authenticity. I really do enjoy time to myself and the glories of leading an independent lifestyle. But when I was cleaning the snow piled up on my car tonight with my hour commute home in my future, I just couldn't help but feel so damn sad and alone.
I hate nights like tonight. When the loneliness is palpable and suffocating.
I know it will pass. Maybe I need a good cry. To get it out of my system. But I don't feel like crying. I'm not there yet. It's just beginning to peak through, the weight of this self pity. I'm not ready to give in to it yet. I don't like wasting time on feeling sorry for myself. Life is too short.
So here is my self indulgent, pity party of an entry. I'm putting it, and myself, to bed now.
So, it's nights like tonight that I have to drop my cool exterior and give in to the loneliness. Nights when I finally get home from a draining day of work at the daunting hour of 10pm and have not much to look forward to except getting up and doing it again at 7am tomorrow. And I have to face the fact that, no matter how much I wish I were above it, I would give anything to have someone to greet me with Love and a desire to share my story. Most nights I can relish in the new book that I've purchased, movie that I've rented or yoga routine that I've got planned. And it's not a lack of authenticity. I really do enjoy time to myself and the glories of leading an independent lifestyle. But when I was cleaning the snow piled up on my car tonight with my hour commute home in my future, I just couldn't help but feel so damn sad and alone.
I hate nights like tonight. When the loneliness is palpable and suffocating.
I know it will pass. Maybe I need a good cry. To get it out of my system. But I don't feel like crying. I'm not there yet. It's just beginning to peak through, the weight of this self pity. I'm not ready to give in to it yet. I don't like wasting time on feeling sorry for myself. Life is too short.
So here is my self indulgent, pity party of an entry. I'm putting it, and myself, to bed now.
Sunday, March 18, 2007
The Luck of the...Irish?
The ability to change our own lives is astonishing to me right at this moment. After a lovely St. Patrick's Day yesterday spent with various people that I Love, massive amounts of ethnic food (Irish and Mexican???) and a generally cheerful existence I couldn't help but reflect on where I had been a year ago. (This is a strange habit that I have tried to break myself of due to the obvious nostalgia/regret factor.) And the difference is startling. For the better. That is an understatement.
I'm not going to give much detail about the past but it was not a pretty picture. I was a shell of a person surrounded by people that didn't mean anything to me, behaving in ways that were not true to any version of myself and generally unfreakinhappy. Enough said.
And it amazes me that now I am walking such a different road. I am embraced by the best quality people, working at a job that both challenges and inspires me and I am so proud of my journey and the decisions that I'm making along the way. And most importantly-I am so freakin happy. For the sunshine. The music. The laughter. The food. Joy is tangible.
And it is all because I chose to change my path. The concept is so empowering. I couldn't see the slight changes along the way but they have all added up to something incredible and beautiful. And it just reminds me that we all have it within us to make our own lives worth living. It's so hard to remember that when the sky is bleak and dark. But it's always possible.
The ability to change our own lives is astonishing to me right at this moment. After a lovely St. Patrick's Day yesterday spent with various people that I Love, massive amounts of ethnic food (Irish and Mexican???) and a generally cheerful existence I couldn't help but reflect on where I had been a year ago. (This is a strange habit that I have tried to break myself of due to the obvious nostalgia/regret factor.) And the difference is startling. For the better. That is an understatement.
I'm not going to give much detail about the past but it was not a pretty picture. I was a shell of a person surrounded by people that didn't mean anything to me, behaving in ways that were not true to any version of myself and generally unfreakinhappy. Enough said.
And it amazes me that now I am walking such a different road. I am embraced by the best quality people, working at a job that both challenges and inspires me and I am so proud of my journey and the decisions that I'm making along the way. And most importantly-I am so freakin happy. For the sunshine. The music. The laughter. The food. Joy is tangible.
And it is all because I chose to change my path. The concept is so empowering. I couldn't see the slight changes along the way but they have all added up to something incredible and beautiful. And it just reminds me that we all have it within us to make our own lives worth living. It's so hard to remember that when the sky is bleak and dark. But it's always possible.
Friday, March 16, 2007
Flying Solo
this is my second attempt at an entry tonight. My patience is being tested by the universe today. So far, so good. It is certainly not my easiest quality.
But anyway...
Aahhh. I am enjoying the most relaxing glorious Friday night ever. With news of the impending storm I cancelled my dinner plans and made myself a tasty yet healthy dinner to eat while I caught up on some Grey's Anatomy. And now I have been lounging on the couch reading The Memory Keeper's Daughter, sipping on cold white wine and listening to my individual radio station on Pandora.com. For those of you who haven't experienced this technological luxury-do it now. Pure heaven.
But I am a little concerned that my Love for alone-time is slightly unhealthy. I have often wondered in the if that is the root of my relationship failures. Maybe I can't find anyone for the duration b/c I was meant to be alone? I certainly thrive on it. And many people are uncomfortable around my Love for solitude. Going to the movies alone is ne of my favorite passtimes and when I tell someone the initial reaction is to stare at me strangely and then offer to come with me. So not the point people. So not the point...
this is my second attempt at an entry tonight. My patience is being tested by the universe today. So far, so good. It is certainly not my easiest quality.
But anyway...
Aahhh. I am enjoying the most relaxing glorious Friday night ever. With news of the impending storm I cancelled my dinner plans and made myself a tasty yet healthy dinner to eat while I caught up on some Grey's Anatomy. And now I have been lounging on the couch reading The Memory Keeper's Daughter, sipping on cold white wine and listening to my individual radio station on Pandora.com. For those of you who haven't experienced this technological luxury-do it now. Pure heaven.
But I am a little concerned that my Love for alone-time is slightly unhealthy. I have often wondered in the if that is the root of my relationship failures. Maybe I can't find anyone for the duration b/c I was meant to be alone? I certainly thrive on it. And many people are uncomfortable around my Love for solitude. Going to the movies alone is ne of my favorite passtimes and when I tell someone the initial reaction is to stare at me strangely and then offer to come with me. So not the point people. So not the point...
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Weekend Bliss
I can't believe that it is Wednesday afternoon and I have yet to write about my incredible, relaxing, life-affirming weekend. Shame on me. So I am staying the extra 15 minutes at work to write b/c I know that tomorrow will be just as busy. I need to be better at carving time out for writing.
Anyway...I went to Albany this weekend to visit my best bud from NYU and, as usual, it was outstanding. We always manage to create the greatest weekends for ourselves. This was no exception. Friday night I escaped from work an hour early (yea!) and after an extra hour of traffic with no CD player (boo!) i arrived by 7:30. We had a quick glass of wine and then we (her long-time live-in BF Tom makes 3) headed out for out-of-this world sushi. So good. He went to work and she and I finished off the wine and a bottle of champagne (yikes!) while we battled it out in Scrabble and Gin Rummy. I lost every game. But I was having too much fun (and clearly too much drink) to care.
Sat we woke up early to much-deserved headaches but none-the-less headed to Saratoga for the day. We started at the spa where for $26 each we worked out in their gym, lounged in the steam room and took 45 minute hot mineral baths in the freash Saratoga Spring water. The tubs were deep, low and porcelain. My 5 ft body could have easily drowned. The water was brown but not scary b/c you knew it was the real deal from the earth. Such a nice change from over-processed America as we now know it. We greedily grabbed an apple each and filled our water bottles on the way out. Healthy and glowing...
We finished the adventure with lunch at a local pub and gourmet chocolate (Lake champlain Chocolates are the ONLY chocolates as far as I am concerned) and natural food store shopping. $30 of chocolate and dipping sauces later (and those were just my purchases!) we finally headed home. but not before stopping at Kohls to laugh at all the rooster themed soap dispensers and hand towels. I laughed so much that my stomach muscles were pulsating with over-use. That's living, folks.
We came home, ordered pad thai, flopped on the couch and watched Winter Passing. By far one of the best films I've seen in years. Rent it! Now! Seriously...go!
Sunday we woke Tom up early, got breakfast at a diner in a trailer (are there any other kinds?) and went open-house shopping. The weather was gorgeous and we walked from house to house in awe of our adulthood. We finished the weekend with pizza night (a tradition that i've heard about for years but had never experienced) at Tom's mom's house. I left Albany in a haze of happiness and a supreme gratitude for my life.
I hope that you all feel as lucky to be alive as I do. it is all in the little things.
I can't believe that it is Wednesday afternoon and I have yet to write about my incredible, relaxing, life-affirming weekend. Shame on me. So I am staying the extra 15 minutes at work to write b/c I know that tomorrow will be just as busy. I need to be better at carving time out for writing.
Anyway...I went to Albany this weekend to visit my best bud from NYU and, as usual, it was outstanding. We always manage to create the greatest weekends for ourselves. This was no exception. Friday night I escaped from work an hour early (yea!) and after an extra hour of traffic with no CD player (boo!) i arrived by 7:30. We had a quick glass of wine and then we (her long-time live-in BF Tom makes 3) headed out for out-of-this world sushi. So good. He went to work and she and I finished off the wine and a bottle of champagne (yikes!) while we battled it out in Scrabble and Gin Rummy. I lost every game. But I was having too much fun (and clearly too much drink) to care.
Sat we woke up early to much-deserved headaches but none-the-less headed to Saratoga for the day. We started at the spa where for $26 each we worked out in their gym, lounged in the steam room and took 45 minute hot mineral baths in the freash Saratoga Spring water. The tubs were deep, low and porcelain. My 5 ft body could have easily drowned. The water was brown but not scary b/c you knew it was the real deal from the earth. Such a nice change from over-processed America as we now know it. We greedily grabbed an apple each and filled our water bottles on the way out. Healthy and glowing...
We finished the adventure with lunch at a local pub and gourmet chocolate (Lake champlain Chocolates are the ONLY chocolates as far as I am concerned) and natural food store shopping. $30 of chocolate and dipping sauces later (and those were just my purchases!) we finally headed home. but not before stopping at Kohls to laugh at all the rooster themed soap dispensers and hand towels. I laughed so much that my stomach muscles were pulsating with over-use. That's living, folks.
We came home, ordered pad thai, flopped on the couch and watched Winter Passing. By far one of the best films I've seen in years. Rent it! Now! Seriously...go!
Sunday we woke Tom up early, got breakfast at a diner in a trailer (are there any other kinds?) and went open-house shopping. The weather was gorgeous and we walked from house to house in awe of our adulthood. We finished the weekend with pizza night (a tradition that i've heard about for years but had never experienced) at Tom's mom's house. I left Albany in a haze of happiness and a supreme gratitude for my life.
I hope that you all feel as lucky to be alive as I do. it is all in the little things.
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Both Sides Now
You know that feeling you get in your muscles after you return to exercise after many weeks of laziness? that's how it feels to return to the world right now. I've been walking around in a haze. Not depressed really. More like numb. There's this device used in the theatre called a scrim. You use it when you want a scene to have a shadowy opaque-like feel to it. You can see the characters and the actions on the stage but it is as if they the scene was covered in smoke. And that's how I've felt. I continued living, so to speak-going through the motions of working, socializing and generally being myself. But it wasn't real. Nothing felt tangible. If I'm being honest I don't think that I really wanted it to. I think that I was afraid of what I would find beneath the surface if I let feelings in.
But I'm back. I'm sitting here after a loooong day of work listening to Cloin Hay and it is painfully clear that I have been awoken from this slumber. His voice is piercing through me like shards of broken glass on my fingertips. It feels as if my heart is literally being squeezed by a fist. And as gut-wenching as it is I am grateful to feel alive again. I am not someone who is comfortable in that state of limbo. Whatever life hands to me I normally want to experience to the fullest. But I think this time it was just too much all at once and I completely shut down. Self-preservation some would call it.
But now, almost 6 weeks after all of the shit hit the fan with relationship, roomate and family, I feel ready. Ready for whatever life brings. I came out of work on Friday from a patient's home excited to start the weekend and found that someone had smashed my car and left it. At first I had a good cry cursing the universe for my bad luck and added it to the list of my current misfortunes. But then I sat back and gave myself a talking to-
Look this is life. Ups and downs. Peaks and valleys. For better or worse. and it truly is remarkable.
Once again Joni says it best:
-I've looked at life from both sides now. From win and lose and still somehow it's life's illusions I recall. I really don't know life at all-
Just in the past year I've moved twice, fallen in Love unexpectedly with a lovely young man, watched my 2 best friends get married, gotten a promotion, started a blog, read a ton of books, been given a second chance that I didn't deserve and was true to my promise, been the victim of a hit and run, reunited with my oldest friends, applied to grad school, witnessed patients' deaths, taken my nephew bowling, strung lights on my christmas tree, fallen down the stairs, learned to Love spin class, cried with my dad over my mom's illnesses, started singing again, had my heartbroken, taken a million pictures, had a whole lot of wednesday nights at nina's, swam alone in the ocean, gotten my first (and soon tobe second) therapist, had 365 first morning sips of coffee, made meatballs, counseled a friend through a break-up, given someone a second chance, and a million other incredible big and small milestones. And most importantly I ahve begun to truly Love myself for who I am for the very first time...
So bring it on life. I'm so ready for what you've got...
You know that feeling you get in your muscles after you return to exercise after many weeks of laziness? that's how it feels to return to the world right now. I've been walking around in a haze. Not depressed really. More like numb. There's this device used in the theatre called a scrim. You use it when you want a scene to have a shadowy opaque-like feel to it. You can see the characters and the actions on the stage but it is as if they the scene was covered in smoke. And that's how I've felt. I continued living, so to speak-going through the motions of working, socializing and generally being myself. But it wasn't real. Nothing felt tangible. If I'm being honest I don't think that I really wanted it to. I think that I was afraid of what I would find beneath the surface if I let feelings in.
But I'm back. I'm sitting here after a loooong day of work listening to Cloin Hay and it is painfully clear that I have been awoken from this slumber. His voice is piercing through me like shards of broken glass on my fingertips. It feels as if my heart is literally being squeezed by a fist. And as gut-wenching as it is I am grateful to feel alive again. I am not someone who is comfortable in that state of limbo. Whatever life hands to me I normally want to experience to the fullest. But I think this time it was just too much all at once and I completely shut down. Self-preservation some would call it.
But now, almost 6 weeks after all of the shit hit the fan with relationship, roomate and family, I feel ready. Ready for whatever life brings. I came out of work on Friday from a patient's home excited to start the weekend and found that someone had smashed my car and left it. At first I had a good cry cursing the universe for my bad luck and added it to the list of my current misfortunes. But then I sat back and gave myself a talking to-
Look this is life. Ups and downs. Peaks and valleys. For better or worse. and it truly is remarkable.
Once again Joni says it best:
-I've looked at life from both sides now. From win and lose and still somehow it's life's illusions I recall. I really don't know life at all-
Just in the past year I've moved twice, fallen in Love unexpectedly with a lovely young man, watched my 2 best friends get married, gotten a promotion, started a blog, read a ton of books, been given a second chance that I didn't deserve and was true to my promise, been the victim of a hit and run, reunited with my oldest friends, applied to grad school, witnessed patients' deaths, taken my nephew bowling, strung lights on my christmas tree, fallen down the stairs, learned to Love spin class, cried with my dad over my mom's illnesses, started singing again, had my heartbroken, taken a million pictures, had a whole lot of wednesday nights at nina's, swam alone in the ocean, gotten my first (and soon tobe second) therapist, had 365 first morning sips of coffee, made meatballs, counseled a friend through a break-up, given someone a second chance, and a million other incredible big and small milestones. And most importantly I ahve begun to truly Love myself for who I am for the very first time...
So bring it on life. I'm so ready for what you've got...
Monday, February 19, 2007
Ho Hum
"There are no shortcuts in life or Love. This pain must be felt. The alternative is much worse. It's what makes us special. What makes us beautiful. What makes us worthy. The pain of how we Love. But that pain is accompanied by something else, isn't it? Hope. With your pain there is hope. And that is where you are. Somewhere between agony and optimism and prayer. So, you're human. You're alive. And that's what we have."
Once again I feel lost to find my own words. I'm searching each and every day for a glimmer of something to believe in. That sounds so dramatic and I don't mean to be that severe about my life. It's a good life. A great one actually. With much to be grateful for. And I know that. I know that with extreme clarity. That's not what this is about. I'm just lost. And sad. And I hate it. I hate being this kind of person who feels negative and empty and focuses on what I don't have. And I'm trying to get out of this rut. I really truly am. But sometimes I just have to look around and ask "why not me?" Really, why not? Why everyone alse and not me? That's all I can think of today. No matter how much I try to be thankful for what I've got. I just can't help but feel so deeply sad. God, I can't wait for spring....I think I'll be okay then...
"There are no shortcuts in life or Love. This pain must be felt. The alternative is much worse. It's what makes us special. What makes us beautiful. What makes us worthy. The pain of how we Love. But that pain is accompanied by something else, isn't it? Hope. With your pain there is hope. And that is where you are. Somewhere between agony and optimism and prayer. So, you're human. You're alive. And that's what we have."
Once again I feel lost to find my own words. I'm searching each and every day for a glimmer of something to believe in. That sounds so dramatic and I don't mean to be that severe about my life. It's a good life. A great one actually. With much to be grateful for. And I know that. I know that with extreme clarity. That's not what this is about. I'm just lost. And sad. And I hate it. I hate being this kind of person who feels negative and empty and focuses on what I don't have. And I'm trying to get out of this rut. I really truly am. But sometimes I just have to look around and ask "why not me?" Really, why not? Why everyone alse and not me? That's all I can think of today. No matter how much I try to be thankful for what I've got. I just can't help but feel so deeply sad. God, I can't wait for spring....I think I'll be okay then...
Friday, February 16, 2007
Signs of Spring
I am feeling so powerful and energetic today. I honestly feel like I could take on the world. My life feels full of possibility and all of my dreams feel attainable. I wonder if I've had too much caffeine? Who cares? It feels great. I think that I am officialy out of my mourning period. Not to say that I am not sad. I am and the thought of dating anyone else makes me physically ill. But I am starting to embrace my free time and take notice of all the Love I have in my life. It feels like springtime inside of me! Even amidst all of this snow...
Have a beautiful rest of the week everyone.
I am feeling so powerful and energetic today. I honestly feel like I could take on the world. My life feels full of possibility and all of my dreams feel attainable. I wonder if I've had too much caffeine? Who cares? It feels great. I think that I am officialy out of my mourning period. Not to say that I am not sad. I am and the thought of dating anyone else makes me physically ill. But I am starting to embrace my free time and take notice of all the Love I have in my life. It feels like springtime inside of me! Even amidst all of this snow...
Have a beautiful rest of the week everyone.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Back to the Gratitude
So after a miserable day filled with snow and forced reminders of my recent break-up, I am now back to old self again. I had given myself permission to be a Debbie-Downer yesterday without guilt and I think that it worked. Today I awoke feeling refreshed and my usual glass-half-full self again. Sometimes it's healthy to just give in to the negativity and then be done with it. Like a craving for chinese food. You know that it's not the healthiset choice but if you don't let yourself have it once in awhile you will never stop thinking about it.
So on to the positivity...since Thursdays are for gratitude after all.
-The delicious pita chips and spinach and artichoke hummus that my sweet pal Melissa just suprised me with at my desk b/c she overheard me saying that I was hungry. A shout out to being thoughtful.
-Getting to and from work safely the past few days. There were some scary moments and I came dangeroulsy close to a guardrail. Snow may be pretty but man oh man....
-My wonderful volunteers who never fail to amaze me with heir willingness to share their lives, hearts and time with others. You are an inspiration and you make me look forward to work for the first time in months.
- the upcoming long weekend with NO PLANS! That sooo never happens! I Love waiting to see what fills the days!
-our neighborhood mechanic who went out of his way so that I could park my car in his garage when I had nowhere to keep my car last night. It is so easy to forget that there are kind people out there.
-Everyone who sent me Valentine lovin' yesterday b/c they knew that I was a wee bit sad.
There are a million other things that could make this list but I need to shut down my computer. Happy Thursday everybody!
So after a miserable day filled with snow and forced reminders of my recent break-up, I am now back to old self again. I had given myself permission to be a Debbie-Downer yesterday without guilt and I think that it worked. Today I awoke feeling refreshed and my usual glass-half-full self again. Sometimes it's healthy to just give in to the negativity and then be done with it. Like a craving for chinese food. You know that it's not the healthiset choice but if you don't let yourself have it once in awhile you will never stop thinking about it.
So on to the positivity...since Thursdays are for gratitude after all.
-The delicious pita chips and spinach and artichoke hummus that my sweet pal Melissa just suprised me with at my desk b/c she overheard me saying that I was hungry. A shout out to being thoughtful.
-Getting to and from work safely the past few days. There were some scary moments and I came dangeroulsy close to a guardrail. Snow may be pretty but man oh man....
-My wonderful volunteers who never fail to amaze me with heir willingness to share their lives, hearts and time with others. You are an inspiration and you make me look forward to work for the first time in months.
- the upcoming long weekend with NO PLANS! That sooo never happens! I Love waiting to see what fills the days!
-our neighborhood mechanic who went out of his way so that I could park my car in his garage when I had nowhere to keep my car last night. It is so easy to forget that there are kind people out there.
-Everyone who sent me Valentine lovin' yesterday b/c they knew that I was a wee bit sad.
There are a million other things that could make this list but I need to shut down my computer. Happy Thursday everybody!
Monday, February 12, 2007
Weekend Recap
Well it's Monday and I'm trying to motivate myself to get ready for my crazy work day. Crazy in a good way though. I'm running my second session of my new training class with 7 compassionate interesting people. So few people have a job where they meet only giving lovely poeple. The very nature of running a volunteer program means that my clients are kind and generous and compassionate. I can't complain about that. That's for sure.
So my weekend was a great combination of relaxing and productive. Friday night I enjoyed an inpromptu gelato gathering at my parent's house with my brother, sister-in-law and nephew. Against my belief system, he and I ran around the house hiding and shooting one another with toy guns. He's seven and barely ever wants to play with me anymore. you take it where you can get it, folks. Met a friend at Borders before close and became engrossed in those tragic yet incredible Pst Card coffe table books. It was like a car crash. We finished the night with a 10:10 cheesy romance movie-Catch and Release. Perfectly mindless. And I Loved it.
Saturday I murphy oiled soaped, swept, laid rugs down, chopped and grated fresh vegetables and rolled my very first meatballs. I was glowing with domesticity. Finished the night at Kevin's party in Cambridge with the Gilberts. A few funny awkward moments and appetizer stress but also good conversation and incredible decor. I'm obsessed with decorating my apartment. Plus, a host in drag is my favorite kind of host.
Sunday b-day brunch for my nana's b-day with the whole fam. Delicious and 5 hrs of great family talk. Announcements of my cousin's new baby, Loving that my 81 year old grandmother is making homemade props for her elders theatre group-she is outstanding-and talk of a renting a cousin's beach house this summer....finished the evening with a trip to target (I freakin Love target!)-new trendy spice rack and asian inspired tea set, great bohemian summer dress, and new regina spektor CD-and more work on the new place with my roomie. It finally looks like areal house. A badly decorated house but a house none-the less.
All in all a lovely weekend. No complaints here. Have a great Monday everyone.
Well it's Monday and I'm trying to motivate myself to get ready for my crazy work day. Crazy in a good way though. I'm running my second session of my new training class with 7 compassionate interesting people. So few people have a job where they meet only giving lovely poeple. The very nature of running a volunteer program means that my clients are kind and generous and compassionate. I can't complain about that. That's for sure.
So my weekend was a great combination of relaxing and productive. Friday night I enjoyed an inpromptu gelato gathering at my parent's house with my brother, sister-in-law and nephew. Against my belief system, he and I ran around the house hiding and shooting one another with toy guns. He's seven and barely ever wants to play with me anymore. you take it where you can get it, folks. Met a friend at Borders before close and became engrossed in those tragic yet incredible Pst Card coffe table books. It was like a car crash. We finished the night with a 10:10 cheesy romance movie-Catch and Release. Perfectly mindless. And I Loved it.
Saturday I murphy oiled soaped, swept, laid rugs down, chopped and grated fresh vegetables and rolled my very first meatballs. I was glowing with domesticity. Finished the night at Kevin's party in Cambridge with the Gilberts. A few funny awkward moments and appetizer stress but also good conversation and incredible decor. I'm obsessed with decorating my apartment. Plus, a host in drag is my favorite kind of host.
Sunday b-day brunch for my nana's b-day with the whole fam. Delicious and 5 hrs of great family talk. Announcements of my cousin's new baby, Loving that my 81 year old grandmother is making homemade props for her elders theatre group-she is outstanding-and talk of a renting a cousin's beach house this summer....finished the evening with a trip to target (I freakin Love target!)-new trendy spice rack and asian inspired tea set, great bohemian summer dress, and new regina spektor CD-and more work on the new place with my roomie. It finally looks like areal house. A badly decorated house but a house none-the less.
All in all a lovely weekend. No complaints here. Have a great Monday everyone.
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Search Lights
There come certain times in my life when I can no longer guide myself. Things get too muddled and everything is moving too quickly. I'm lucky to make it through the day, let alone uncover the mysteries of why my life is the way that it is. So it is during these times that I look to the wise words of others to be my guide posts-my lighthouses visible from the deep ocean-to keep me following the journey that I was menat to follow. And now is one of those times, my friends. Amidst the rubble of newfound heartbreak, my mother's mysterious and frightening illness, the busiest work schedule that I have ever had and a new apartment-I am searching for a navigator. Or maybe a narrator for that matter...
And as always, I look not to the great scholars or religios leaders-but to my passionate core-the artists: song lyrics, poems, screen writers. In my opinion that is where the most honest words of the human condition can be found. In this specific case a scene from Grey's Anatomy-my favorite show to say the least. i was obcessively watching it yesterday on DVD (I'm insane when I Love a show) and this scene reminded me that even when people are hurting us and pulling us in a million directions and we are tempted to shut everyone out and stop Loving because we have no more to give or lose to another-it is what life is about. It is where the true beauty is found. I needed that reminder.
At some point you have to make a decision.
Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in.
Life is messy. That's how we're made.
So, you can waste your life drawing lines
or you can live your life crossing them...
Here's what I know: if you're willing to take the chance,
the view from the other side is spectacular.
I don't know if you needed them as much as I did, but I hope you enjoy them....
There come certain times in my life when I can no longer guide myself. Things get too muddled and everything is moving too quickly. I'm lucky to make it through the day, let alone uncover the mysteries of why my life is the way that it is. So it is during these times that I look to the wise words of others to be my guide posts-my lighthouses visible from the deep ocean-to keep me following the journey that I was menat to follow. And now is one of those times, my friends. Amidst the rubble of newfound heartbreak, my mother's mysterious and frightening illness, the busiest work schedule that I have ever had and a new apartment-I am searching for a navigator. Or maybe a narrator for that matter...
And as always, I look not to the great scholars or religios leaders-but to my passionate core-the artists: song lyrics, poems, screen writers. In my opinion that is where the most honest words of the human condition can be found. In this specific case a scene from Grey's Anatomy-my favorite show to say the least. i was obcessively watching it yesterday on DVD (I'm insane when I Love a show) and this scene reminded me that even when people are hurting us and pulling us in a million directions and we are tempted to shut everyone out and stop Loving because we have no more to give or lose to another-it is what life is about. It is where the true beauty is found. I needed that reminder.
At some point you have to make a decision.
Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in.
Life is messy. That's how we're made.
So, you can waste your life drawing lines
or you can live your life crossing them...
Here's what I know: if you're willing to take the chance,
the view from the other side is spectacular.
I don't know if you needed them as much as I did, but I hope you enjoy them....
Friday, February 02, 2007
Friday Optimism
Thank God it's the weekend. I will not be sad to say goodbye to this week. that's for damn sure. Not that there were not great moments. Work is going really well for the first time. My job is finally starting to be the job that i interviewed for. It only took 6 months! Wednesday night was full of my favorite meal, glasses of white wine, gelato, kisses from Gracie, hugs from my life saving friend and wonderful conversation. ..as usual. Once again, going through this break-up, I am reminded of the incredible network of friends that surround me. Even when my heart is broken I can honestly say that I never once felt alone. A big 'ole thank you to the universe for these relationships. i am so very lucky.
And more good news. the boy called yesterday after he read the email. He was so thankful and lovely. It reminded me of why i took the crazy chance Loving him in the first place. I knew that I wasn't wrong. We talked and apolagized to eachother for the hurtful things that we said or did. It was so not the point. And we softly and sadly agreed that even though we Loved eachother so much our age differnce was forcing us in two seprate directions right now and fighting it was only going to make it worse. It was simultaneously the most wonderful/saddest conversation that I have ever had. and because he and I are still so in Love with one another I don't think it's healthy to stay friends or talk on a regular basis. And then he said the 2 sweetest things: "Can we write letters to eachother?" and "Maybe life will give us another chance someday." My heart broke 1,000 more times...
But all in all I'm good. I am desperately trying to have faith in the ultimate plan of a much higher power than myself. I am trying to keep him in my heart while I let him go in my life. If we are supposed to be together in the future life will put us back together, right? It certainly suprised us by doing it in the first place. I've just got to believe that my life will continue on the path that it is supposed to be on. And all I can do is continue growing, Loving and doing the absolute best that I can with what i am given.
Thank God it's the weekend. I will not be sad to say goodbye to this week. that's for damn sure. Not that there were not great moments. Work is going really well for the first time. My job is finally starting to be the job that i interviewed for. It only took 6 months! Wednesday night was full of my favorite meal, glasses of white wine, gelato, kisses from Gracie, hugs from my life saving friend and wonderful conversation. ..as usual. Once again, going through this break-up, I am reminded of the incredible network of friends that surround me. Even when my heart is broken I can honestly say that I never once felt alone. A big 'ole thank you to the universe for these relationships. i am so very lucky.
And more good news. the boy called yesterday after he read the email. He was so thankful and lovely. It reminded me of why i took the crazy chance Loving him in the first place. I knew that I wasn't wrong. We talked and apolagized to eachother for the hurtful things that we said or did. It was so not the point. And we softly and sadly agreed that even though we Loved eachother so much our age differnce was forcing us in two seprate directions right now and fighting it was only going to make it worse. It was simultaneously the most wonderful/saddest conversation that I have ever had. and because he and I are still so in Love with one another I don't think it's healthy to stay friends or talk on a regular basis. And then he said the 2 sweetest things: "Can we write letters to eachother?" and "Maybe life will give us another chance someday." My heart broke 1,000 more times...
But all in all I'm good. I am desperately trying to have faith in the ultimate plan of a much higher power than myself. I am trying to keep him in my heart while I let him go in my life. If we are supposed to be together in the future life will put us back together, right? It certainly suprised us by doing it in the first place. I've just got to believe that my life will continue on the path that it is supposed to be on. And all I can do is continue growing, Loving and doing the absolute best that I can with what i am given.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
Closure with a Capital C
So, I fought with myself over whether to post this email that I sent to ex-man this morning. i'm still not completely secure with my decision to share this woth the world. Or the blogger world. But something in me really needed to put it out there. It took so much out of me and in my paper-journaling days I would've pasted it into its pages, so I figured that I would follow my instincts. they're all we've got after all....
So I was crying (again) in my car this morning thinking about how i was going to handle seeing him in a few months at a mutual family function. Hopefully by then I will feel better. Okay, i know that I will feel better...but you know what I mean. And it just keeps killing me that this great relationship, for all its faults, ended on this note where we cannot even speak to eachother and where we both are pretending (or i hope he's pretending) not to give damn that it's over. And I realized that that is the root of my sadness. So I decided in the car that I was going to take control. If I have learned nothing else in my 27 year journey through relationships and friendships it is that you need to make your own closure and your own healing. No one can do that for you. So I decided to write him this email. Even if he never responds I feel better knowing that I was honest. And on my terms. And, even though I'm hurting, I can live with that.
So, my friends...that's that. I followed my heart from start to finish. I think that that's all we can do...
So, I fought with myself over whether to post this email that I sent to ex-man this morning. i'm still not completely secure with my decision to share this woth the world. Or the blogger world. But something in me really needed to put it out there. It took so much out of me and in my paper-journaling days I would've pasted it into its pages, so I figured that I would follow my instincts. they're all we've got after all....
So I was crying (again) in my car this morning thinking about how i was going to handle seeing him in a few months at a mutual family function. Hopefully by then I will feel better. Okay, i know that I will feel better...but you know what I mean. And it just keeps killing me that this great relationship, for all its faults, ended on this note where we cannot even speak to eachother and where we both are pretending (or i hope he's pretending) not to give damn that it's over. And I realized that that is the root of my sadness. So I decided in the car that I was going to take control. If I have learned nothing else in my 27 year journey through relationships and friendships it is that you need to make your own closure and your own healing. No one can do that for you. So I decided to write him this email. Even if he never responds I feel better knowing that I was honest. And on my terms. And, even though I'm hurting, I can live with that.
So, my friends...that's that. I followed my heart from start to finish. I think that that's all we can do...
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Take it Easy
This is what my now ex-man closed his last messsage with on Monday afternoon. "Take it easy." Just that simple sentence sent me into a whirlwind of anger that I could barely refocus and finish my hectic workday. So that's what it all boils down to I guess. After 8 months of the most gut-wrenching relationship (hence why i ended it) where I followed my heart even when my head was screaming "No!!!" because we had a connection and a Love that wa deeper than rational...or so i thought...it all comes down to a thoughtless farewell. What does that even mean? "Take it easy." i can't even explain to you how much those three little words hurt me. More than any of his lies or blatantly uncaring actions. It's unbelievable how we can hurt one another without even knowing the half of it.
This hurt is so deep too. I had forgotten what it felt like to hurt like this. It's been about seven years since my heart has truly been crushed. I can visualize the individual pieces floating around in there. I've never lacked imagination, that's for sure. But I think we forget what it really is to have our hearts broken. I havethrown this term around when guys I have dated over the past 3 years have disappeared or just been negligent with my emotions. But wow, now I know that i was not even close. When my long-time ex and I finally broke up that pain was horrible. it was the end of a great Love and the sadness of having to let something go for no other reason than we just couldn't make it work was indescribable. But neither of had truly hurt the other. We were just deeply deeply sad.
But this is different. This is the hurt that washes over you with waves of pain. And no one would know. You look perfectly normal from the outside. it's aprivate grief. I'll be going about my day and all of a sudden I'll remember something that he said or something that we did together and I will literally want to double over. It's turning my insides out. It's the kind of hurt that only accompanies a keen awareness that a certain piece of you is gone for good. A dream that you once held as a possibilty is no longer. And that, unfortunatly is irreperable. Your life will never turn out the way that you had envisioned it and the person that you felt was the answer to your many prayers is just another stranger. And no amount of time can erase that kind of loss. It's just becomes a part of who you are. One more piece of that little girl who trusts without fail that her dreams may in fact become a reality will never come back. And it hurts. Like nothing else.
But all of this said and done, I'm here. That's the interesting thing about this being the second time in my life that this has happened. The first time you really fear that you will never be you again. And to a certain extent you aren't. Joni Mitchell says it perfectly, as usual,
This is what my now ex-man closed his last messsage with on Monday afternoon. "Take it easy." Just that simple sentence sent me into a whirlwind of anger that I could barely refocus and finish my hectic workday. So that's what it all boils down to I guess. After 8 months of the most gut-wrenching relationship (hence why i ended it) where I followed my heart even when my head was screaming "No!!!" because we had a connection and a Love that wa deeper than rational...or so i thought...it all comes down to a thoughtless farewell. What does that even mean? "Take it easy." i can't even explain to you how much those three little words hurt me. More than any of his lies or blatantly uncaring actions. It's unbelievable how we can hurt one another without even knowing the half of it.
This hurt is so deep too. I had forgotten what it felt like to hurt like this. It's been about seven years since my heart has truly been crushed. I can visualize the individual pieces floating around in there. I've never lacked imagination, that's for sure. But I think we forget what it really is to have our hearts broken. I havethrown this term around when guys I have dated over the past 3 years have disappeared or just been negligent with my emotions. But wow, now I know that i was not even close. When my long-time ex and I finally broke up that pain was horrible. it was the end of a great Love and the sadness of having to let something go for no other reason than we just couldn't make it work was indescribable. But neither of had truly hurt the other. We were just deeply deeply sad.
But this is different. This is the hurt that washes over you with waves of pain. And no one would know. You look perfectly normal from the outside. it's aprivate grief. I'll be going about my day and all of a sudden I'll remember something that he said or something that we did together and I will literally want to double over. It's turning my insides out. It's the kind of hurt that only accompanies a keen awareness that a certain piece of you is gone for good. A dream that you once held as a possibilty is no longer. And that, unfortunatly is irreperable. Your life will never turn out the way that you had envisioned it and the person that you felt was the answer to your many prayers is just another stranger. And no amount of time can erase that kind of loss. It's just becomes a part of who you are. One more piece of that little girl who trusts without fail that her dreams may in fact become a reality will never come back. And it hurts. Like nothing else.
But all of this said and done, I'm here. That's the interesting thing about this being the second time in my life that this has happened. The first time you really fear that you will never be you again. And to a certain extent you aren't. Joni Mitchell says it perfectly, as usual,
"Love is touching souls. Surely you touched mine.
Cause part you pours out of me
in these lines from time to time."
But it's different now b/c I know that you put one foot in front of the other, eat your breakfast, have dinner with friends (thank God for Wednesdays), make plans for the near and distant futire and slowly you just learn to live again. Changed but here. And I'm not sure right now if that makes me feel better or worse. Btu I know that I'm still standing and that's got to count for something.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Just Blame the Hormones
It's just one of those days. When the tears are welled up right behind your eyes and the slightest disappointment or twinge of heartache could send you right over the edge. I'm trying to blame it on my second month of a new birth contol pill. That is always a good scapegoat. And I know that hormones are playing a role in the gravity of the situation. But I think it may just be me. The boy and I had a little tiff last night and I'm still really hurt by his behavior and although he was insanely apolagetic at first I believe that he is now quite perturbed at me. Or at least I am assuming that since I have not heard from him since said phone conversation. And to tell you the truth, i am straight up tired of caring. As I told him last night, I feel like all I do is take care of him (and everyone else for that matter) and that, w/ the honest exception of Nina last night, who the hell was taking care of me? And I'm fed up with him.
I Love him and when he is good he is so great that my sky is bluer. But sometimes I just feel so damn alone and I know that I would be okay on my own. I wish that I could truly figure out if this was his age (his is soo much younger than I am) or just who he is. And he honestly does work so hard at being a better man for me. And shouldn't that be enough? But sometimes it's not. Sometimes I think that there could be a guy my own age out there who could be all of those things. And that I wouldn't have to work so damn hard all of the time. But the thought of giving up on us at this point breaks my little heart. Maybe I'm just tired...I am so emotionally exhausted. This move and work and living in a place where I am so clearly not wanted r ght now...plus hormones, plus difficult relationship, plus crazy mom equals one tired little girl. Part of me thinks that if I could just close my door for 20 minutes and have a good solid cry that I would be okay. But I can't. Should be one good cryin' commute...if you see a girl in black Corolla weeping in the lane enxt to you, please do not be alarmed.
Life is too funny....at least I"m still smiling through my tears.
It's just one of those days. When the tears are welled up right behind your eyes and the slightest disappointment or twinge of heartache could send you right over the edge. I'm trying to blame it on my second month of a new birth contol pill. That is always a good scapegoat. And I know that hormones are playing a role in the gravity of the situation. But I think it may just be me. The boy and I had a little tiff last night and I'm still really hurt by his behavior and although he was insanely apolagetic at first I believe that he is now quite perturbed at me. Or at least I am assuming that since I have not heard from him since said phone conversation. And to tell you the truth, i am straight up tired of caring. As I told him last night, I feel like all I do is take care of him (and everyone else for that matter) and that, w/ the honest exception of Nina last night, who the hell was taking care of me? And I'm fed up with him.
I Love him and when he is good he is so great that my sky is bluer. But sometimes I just feel so damn alone and I know that I would be okay on my own. I wish that I could truly figure out if this was his age (his is soo much younger than I am) or just who he is. And he honestly does work so hard at being a better man for me. And shouldn't that be enough? But sometimes it's not. Sometimes I think that there could be a guy my own age out there who could be all of those things. And that I wouldn't have to work so damn hard all of the time. But the thought of giving up on us at this point breaks my little heart. Maybe I'm just tired...I am so emotionally exhausted. This move and work and living in a place where I am so clearly not wanted r ght now...plus hormones, plus difficult relationship, plus crazy mom equals one tired little girl. Part of me thinks that if I could just close my door for 20 minutes and have a good solid cry that I would be okay. But I can't. Should be one good cryin' commute...if you see a girl in black Corolla weeping in the lane enxt to you, please do not be alarmed.
Life is too funny....at least I"m still smiling through my tears.
Monday, January 22, 2007
She Says it Better than I Ever Could...
Welcome Morning
by: Anne Sexton
There is joy
in all:
in the hair I brush each morning,
in the Cannon towel, newly washed,
that I rub my body with each morning,
in the chapel of eggs I cook
each morning,
in the outcry from the kettle
that heats my coffee
each morning,
in the spoon and the chair
that cry "hello there, Anne"
each morning,
in the godhead of the table
that I set my silver, plate, cup upon
each morning.
All this is God,
right here in my pea-green house
each morning
and I mean,
though often forget,
to give thanks,
to faint down by the kitchen table
in a prayer of rejoicing
as the holy birds at the kitchen window
peck into their marriage of seeds.
So while I think of it,
let me paint a thank-you on my palm
for this God, this laughter of the morning,
lest it go unspoken.
The Joy that isn't shared, I've heard,
dies young.
And this is where I'm at today, my friends. Or at least where I'm striving to be....
Welcome Morning
by: Anne Sexton
There is joy
in all:
in the hair I brush each morning,
in the Cannon towel, newly washed,
that I rub my body with each morning,
in the chapel of eggs I cook
each morning,
in the outcry from the kettle
that heats my coffee
each morning,
in the spoon and the chair
that cry "hello there, Anne"
each morning,
in the godhead of the table
that I set my silver, plate, cup upon
each morning.
All this is God,
right here in my pea-green house
each morning
and I mean,
though often forget,
to give thanks,
to faint down by the kitchen table
in a prayer of rejoicing
as the holy birds at the kitchen window
peck into their marriage of seeds.
So while I think of it,
let me paint a thank-you on my palm
for this God, this laughter of the morning,
lest it go unspoken.
The Joy that isn't shared, I've heard,
dies young.
And this is where I'm at today, my friends. Or at least where I'm striving to be....
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Running in Circles
I'm so over this anxiety. So over this film reel that plays over and over again in my head. Playing horrible lies and betrayals...and the little aching in my head/heart whispers "think about it. it could be true. just indulge it for a second." And then I do and the whole scenario is out of control and then I am giving attitude to people for crimes that I have no real proof that they have committed. And then I have to apolagize. I'm so totally over this.
And it gets me thinking about people who suffer from true debilitating mental illness. This anxiety is no picnic, don't get me wrong. But I can meditate through it or go to the gym and spin my little heart out. But the paranoia of some schizophrenics...it makes me so sad to think of the life that it robs from people. B/c my little plotlines are so real to me and I am someone who can can rationalize them away...to a certain extent. How cruel is it for the brain to just allow these delusions to take hold of some people with such reality? And our society has no patience or understanding for such illnesses. I offer no solution. It just got me thinking...and made me feel grateful for my ability to walk away from these mind-games...even if it challenges my happiness from time to time...
I'm so over this anxiety. So over this film reel that plays over and over again in my head. Playing horrible lies and betrayals...and the little aching in my head/heart whispers "think about it. it could be true. just indulge it for a second." And then I do and the whole scenario is out of control and then I am giving attitude to people for crimes that I have no real proof that they have committed. And then I have to apolagize. I'm so totally over this.
And it gets me thinking about people who suffer from true debilitating mental illness. This anxiety is no picnic, don't get me wrong. But I can meditate through it or go to the gym and spin my little heart out. But the paranoia of some schizophrenics...it makes me so sad to think of the life that it robs from people. B/c my little plotlines are so real to me and I am someone who can can rationalize them away...to a certain extent. How cruel is it for the brain to just allow these delusions to take hold of some people with such reality? And our society has no patience or understanding for such illnesses. I offer no solution. It just got me thinking...and made me feel grateful for my ability to walk away from these mind-games...even if it challenges my happiness from time to time...
Saturday, January 20, 2007
Angels, Demons and a Moving Truck
Two blogs in one day? I guess this is what happens when you get up to your body's alarm clock, huh? I was going to hold off and write tomorrow, but I figured if the inspiration was there I should go for it. No more rules and regulations, please.
So here I am packing up my life once again. My kitchen is almost complete and I don't have a whole lot else to worry about other than my bedroom and that's easy. I got rid of so much stuff in my July move that I've downsized quite a bit already. Which is the big perk of moving for me. I get more and more spartan (which is a life goal of mine) each and every time.
As I'm dancing around to showtunes (thanks Standing Room Only) and taping box after box, I can't help but feel that nagging gut-wrenching feeling that always accompanies a new apartment. I don't know what it is about moving, but the whole process really traps me inside of my own head. And I'm excited about this move-don't get me wrong. But it's bringing up lots of baggage.
Last week at work we each had to pick an angel out of a glass bowl. (we work with terminally ill patients every day-please excuse the touchy-feely-ness). I was really hoping for certain words-trust, healing, cleansing.-that I felt as though I truly needed in that moment. What I picked was "adventure." And I was not happy. This was not the word that I needed to reflect on or have perspective on at this point. Or so I thought...
But as this crazy life continues to teach me, what we want, or think that we need, is simply not what we really need. Frustrated, I put my little Adventure Angel in my planner and went about by life. And now, faced with another uprooting...another huge change that I simple wasn't ready for, it has hit me. She is the exact angel for me. There have been so many times in the past 5 years when I have really stepped back and looked at my life and thought-finally. i'm finally settled. In a home, a relationship, a life routine. And each and every time, the jarring changes that fate eventually brought to me were unexpected and frightening. But they've always been necessary growing pains. Even if it took awhile for me to see them in their proper light.
And now here I stand. Embarking upon another adventure. Moving to a place that I never expected to live, with a friend that I never thought I would live with, and in a relationship that gives "unsettled" a whole new meaning. How could I have ever thought that I needed any other angel that Adventure? She is my girl. And I feel as though she may be for a long time.
So as I organize my life into sections-towels, pictures, wine glasses-I am equal parts bitter and grateful about my unsettled existence. Why are some people graced with a calm life where evreything falls effortlessly into place? Why is there home always warm and steady and their relationships secure? And why aren't mine? Why am I always moving and questioning? But then it shifts. How lucky am I to have ben given the gift of motion? To have lived and laughed with so many lovely people. To have experienced different cities and spaces. To have called so many places "home." To have Loved and have been Loved by so many incredible people. To know that my journey is still in its infancy and that I have so much to learn.
So when faced with these two forces-the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other-I'm going to go with that angel. Here's to another road...May she protect me and keep me strong and smiling...
Two blogs in one day? I guess this is what happens when you get up to your body's alarm clock, huh? I was going to hold off and write tomorrow, but I figured if the inspiration was there I should go for it. No more rules and regulations, please.
So here I am packing up my life once again. My kitchen is almost complete and I don't have a whole lot else to worry about other than my bedroom and that's easy. I got rid of so much stuff in my July move that I've downsized quite a bit already. Which is the big perk of moving for me. I get more and more spartan (which is a life goal of mine) each and every time.
As I'm dancing around to showtunes (thanks Standing Room Only) and taping box after box, I can't help but feel that nagging gut-wrenching feeling that always accompanies a new apartment. I don't know what it is about moving, but the whole process really traps me inside of my own head. And I'm excited about this move-don't get me wrong. But it's bringing up lots of baggage.
Last week at work we each had to pick an angel out of a glass bowl. (we work with terminally ill patients every day-please excuse the touchy-feely-ness). I was really hoping for certain words-trust, healing, cleansing.-that I felt as though I truly needed in that moment. What I picked was "adventure." And I was not happy. This was not the word that I needed to reflect on or have perspective on at this point. Or so I thought...
But as this crazy life continues to teach me, what we want, or think that we need, is simply not what we really need. Frustrated, I put my little Adventure Angel in my planner and went about by life. And now, faced with another uprooting...another huge change that I simple wasn't ready for, it has hit me. She is the exact angel for me. There have been so many times in the past 5 years when I have really stepped back and looked at my life and thought-finally. i'm finally settled. In a home, a relationship, a life routine. And each and every time, the jarring changes that fate eventually brought to me were unexpected and frightening. But they've always been necessary growing pains. Even if it took awhile for me to see them in their proper light.
And now here I stand. Embarking upon another adventure. Moving to a place that I never expected to live, with a friend that I never thought I would live with, and in a relationship that gives "unsettled" a whole new meaning. How could I have ever thought that I needed any other angel that Adventure? She is my girl. And I feel as though she may be for a long time.
So as I organize my life into sections-towels, pictures, wine glasses-I am equal parts bitter and grateful about my unsettled existence. Why are some people graced with a calm life where evreything falls effortlessly into place? Why is there home always warm and steady and their relationships secure? And why aren't mine? Why am I always moving and questioning? But then it shifts. How lucky am I to have ben given the gift of motion? To have lived and laughed with so many lovely people. To have experienced different cities and spaces. To have called so many places "home." To have Loved and have been Loved by so many incredible people. To know that my journey is still in its infancy and that I have so much to learn.
So when faced with these two forces-the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other-I'm going to go with that angel. Here's to another road...May she protect me and keep me strong and smiling...
Knowing is Half the Battle
Following the recent bloggy inspiration of Coffee and Sunshine I myself have decided to jump out of bed on this snowy Saturday as soon as my sleepy eyes opened. It hadn't occured to me until I read her last entry that I have totally put myself into some bizarre sleep-obsessed/deprived cycle as well. Oversleeping is definitely contributing tothis bizarre anxiety/insomnia thing that I've had going on for the past few months. So as soon as I looked at the clock's harmless display of 8:36 and heard my internal monologue say "Oh, that's not eight hours. I went to bed at 1:30" an alarm went off in my head. "Get up! Your body is clearly ready to start your day." So here I am. I'm a little bit concerned that my day is starting with the internet, but I'm going to cut myself some slack since I am having a big ole glass of H2O (which is such a chore to me) before my coffee. Work in progress, but moving in the right direction...
Following the recent bloggy inspiration of Coffee and Sunshine I myself have decided to jump out of bed on this snowy Saturday as soon as my sleepy eyes opened. It hadn't occured to me until I read her last entry that I have totally put myself into some bizarre sleep-obsessed/deprived cycle as well. Oversleeping is definitely contributing tothis bizarre anxiety/insomnia thing that I've had going on for the past few months. So as soon as I looked at the clock's harmless display of 8:36 and heard my internal monologue say "Oh, that's not eight hours. I went to bed at 1:30" an alarm went off in my head. "Get up! Your body is clearly ready to start your day." So here I am. I'm a little bit concerned that my day is starting with the internet, but I'm going to cut myself some slack since I am having a big ole glass of H2O (which is such a chore to me) before my coffee. Work in progress, but moving in the right direction...
Thursday, January 18, 2007
In Love with the Frenzy
Oh my god! I had completely forgotten what it was like to feel this over-extended. It has been about 6 or 7 months since I've had much on my plate other than regular life. And before that I had been just coasting for a year at least. But now-woah! Between this impromptu move to a new apartment six months earlier than expected, taking the GRE's in 2 weeks, finishing my Emmerson application, and work suddenly moving at rocket speed (not to mention my boss' unexpected resignation this morning), I am running at a frantic pace. This multi-tasking, incredibly efficient side of me has been a stranger for so long that I had forgotten how well she can handle everything. Not only am I focused on accomplishing all of these tasks, but I'm simultaneously returning to my healthy eating habits, spending QT w/ friends, family and the sweet boy and reading my bookclub book ahead of time. if anyone can believe that story...
This long-lost version of myself brings back a lot of old baggage though. I had mentally shelved the memories of the machine that i once was. This overly-critical perfectionist who was never satisfied or settled. Who sought the approval of others and defined herself by the number of tasks crossed off of her lists at the end of the day/week/month/year and by how much she weighed. When my long-time ex and I broke up a few years back he told me (in a very loving conversation) "It's true that I might not be the person for you, but even if I was, you would be too preoccupiedto realize it or make it work anyway." Woah. If that doesn't stop you in your tracks and make you take a serious look at your life, I don't know what does.
So a few short months after I crossed into my 24th year I took a big 'ole look and did a whole lotta relaxin'. And it was a struggle at first to learn how to just "chill" but man did it change my life. my 25th b-day present to myself was a year off-no Grad school classes, no rehearsals, no obligations after work. I baked banana bread, read books that I wanted to read, took naps. It is highly recommend that any over-achiever take a year off. man, oh man...did I learn a lot about myself and the true nature of my self worth. Doing or being? it aslo taught me a lot about the people in my life. There were so many that suddenly weren't sure of my worthiness. And it was hard lesson but I realized that they were only there for what i could do for them. And they are clearly no longer around.
But now that she is needed again (she made a brief appearance during wedding season this summer) I am struggling not to fall for her charms. Veins pumping with caffeine, she is thriving under pressure. And I find myself thinking, "wow, I've missed being over-extended like this. I feel so alive." I must tread lightly. She is the true devil in prada. And I've become far too comfortable in my jeans.
Oh my god! I had completely forgotten what it was like to feel this over-extended. It has been about 6 or 7 months since I've had much on my plate other than regular life. And before that I had been just coasting for a year at least. But now-woah! Between this impromptu move to a new apartment six months earlier than expected, taking the GRE's in 2 weeks, finishing my Emmerson application, and work suddenly moving at rocket speed (not to mention my boss' unexpected resignation this morning), I am running at a frantic pace. This multi-tasking, incredibly efficient side of me has been a stranger for so long that I had forgotten how well she can handle everything. Not only am I focused on accomplishing all of these tasks, but I'm simultaneously returning to my healthy eating habits, spending QT w/ friends, family and the sweet boy and reading my bookclub book ahead of time. if anyone can believe that story...
This long-lost version of myself brings back a lot of old baggage though. I had mentally shelved the memories of the machine that i once was. This overly-critical perfectionist who was never satisfied or settled. Who sought the approval of others and defined herself by the number of tasks crossed off of her lists at the end of the day/week/month/year and by how much she weighed. When my long-time ex and I broke up a few years back he told me (in a very loving conversation) "It's true that I might not be the person for you, but even if I was, you would be too preoccupiedto realize it or make it work anyway." Woah. If that doesn't stop you in your tracks and make you take a serious look at your life, I don't know what does.
So a few short months after I crossed into my 24th year I took a big 'ole look and did a whole lotta relaxin'. And it was a struggle at first to learn how to just "chill" but man did it change my life. my 25th b-day present to myself was a year off-no Grad school classes, no rehearsals, no obligations after work. I baked banana bread, read books that I wanted to read, took naps. It is highly recommend that any over-achiever take a year off. man, oh man...did I learn a lot about myself and the true nature of my self worth. Doing or being? it aslo taught me a lot about the people in my life. There were so many that suddenly weren't sure of my worthiness. And it was hard lesson but I realized that they were only there for what i could do for them. And they are clearly no longer around.
But now that she is needed again (she made a brief appearance during wedding season this summer) I am struggling not to fall for her charms. Veins pumping with caffeine, she is thriving under pressure. And I find myself thinking, "wow, I've missed being over-extended like this. I feel so alive." I must tread lightly. She is the true devil in prada. And I've become far too comfortable in my jeans.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Thanks be...
Taking a Monday off for relaxation purposes makes Thursday afternoon come a hell of a lot sooner. No complaints here. So I'm definitely thankful for that. And new beginnings. After a pretty traumatic roomate situation errupted yesterday morning it made the changes that I need to make in the "future" a whole lot more imminent. So I'm looking for a new place, applying to a new Grad School Program, which is a whole new career journey in and of itself, and continuing on my never ending quest for self discovery and self fulfillment, which is always a new turning page.
I find it quite scary today. Like I'm leaning over a precipice and I have no idea what is going to meet me at the bottom. But I'm so grateful for this constant gift of renewal. Of the reminder that there is always a chapter that you haven't even opened in you own book. It can get so easy to feel confined by your own present. Especially if said present isn't go so smoothly. But this just reinforces my belief that life uses its tides to push you right along the path that you are meant to be traveling on.
So today I say thank you for change. Both frightening and glorious. May I be able to stay grateful ecen when overwhelmed.
Taking a Monday off for relaxation purposes makes Thursday afternoon come a hell of a lot sooner. No complaints here. So I'm definitely thankful for that. And new beginnings. After a pretty traumatic roomate situation errupted yesterday morning it made the changes that I need to make in the "future" a whole lot more imminent. So I'm looking for a new place, applying to a new Grad School Program, which is a whole new career journey in and of itself, and continuing on my never ending quest for self discovery and self fulfillment, which is always a new turning page.
I find it quite scary today. Like I'm leaning over a precipice and I have no idea what is going to meet me at the bottom. But I'm so grateful for this constant gift of renewal. Of the reminder that there is always a chapter that you haven't even opened in you own book. It can get so easy to feel confined by your own present. Especially if said present isn't go so smoothly. But this just reinforces my belief that life uses its tides to push you right along the path that you are meant to be traveling on.
So today I say thank you for change. Both frightening and glorious. May I be able to stay grateful ecen when overwhelmed.
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
A gift to yourself
After a few days with absolutely no obligations, a guiltlessly planned mental health day yesterday and a mountain of "me" time, I feel rested, rejuvenated and back on track. Things are still a little hazy and confusing and I think that the whole forced life reflection that a New Year brings was a little too much for me too handle this year. But that being said, I feel, once again, that life is not just managable, but the best damn gift around. Losing perspective can make you feel so greedy when it's all back to normal.
Yesterday was one of those days when you just can't help but feel lucky to be alive. Not in the grandiose big event sort of way, but in the simple plesaures that make life worth living sort of way. I feel asleep with an "I Love you. Sleep well, okay?" from my sweet boy Sunday night. 10 decadent hours of sleep later (for a self-proclaimed insomniac no less!) I spent the morning alone reading, sipping pumpkin flavored coffee and eating delicious granola cereal in my pj's. Here's to the return of healthy eating! Here's to trying anyway...
As if the day couldn't get any better, I swooped in on nina's relaxing day with her unbelievable family and friends. Freshly baked mushroom pizza and homemade brownies kept up our stamina while we learned the art of sushi rolling. It's like crafting with food! Even though our rolls were overflowing with rice and we may have undone the healthy side of it by indulging in a few too many dips of peanut sauce, we were glowing with pride. We've even planned a whole new menu for a future wed night of goodness. Scrapbooking, cuddling with 2 of my favorite little humans, chugging milk in glass canisters and an episode of Wife Swap that made John think that I was a member of the Christan Right...no wonder I literally have moved into the Gilbert household. Finishing up the night with an unexpected cuddle session and philosphical chit chat with my boy, I couldn't have wished for a better day.
To everyone who feels like life is running away from them-take a day just for you. It has changed my insides.
After a few days with absolutely no obligations, a guiltlessly planned mental health day yesterday and a mountain of "me" time, I feel rested, rejuvenated and back on track. Things are still a little hazy and confusing and I think that the whole forced life reflection that a New Year brings was a little too much for me too handle this year. But that being said, I feel, once again, that life is not just managable, but the best damn gift around. Losing perspective can make you feel so greedy when it's all back to normal.
Yesterday was one of those days when you just can't help but feel lucky to be alive. Not in the grandiose big event sort of way, but in the simple plesaures that make life worth living sort of way. I feel asleep with an "I Love you. Sleep well, okay?" from my sweet boy Sunday night. 10 decadent hours of sleep later (for a self-proclaimed insomniac no less!) I spent the morning alone reading, sipping pumpkin flavored coffee and eating delicious granola cereal in my pj's. Here's to the return of healthy eating! Here's to trying anyway...
As if the day couldn't get any better, I swooped in on nina's relaxing day with her unbelievable family and friends. Freshly baked mushroom pizza and homemade brownies kept up our stamina while we learned the art of sushi rolling. It's like crafting with food! Even though our rolls were overflowing with rice and we may have undone the healthy side of it by indulging in a few too many dips of peanut sauce, we were glowing with pride. We've even planned a whole new menu for a future wed night of goodness. Scrapbooking, cuddling with 2 of my favorite little humans, chugging milk in glass canisters and an episode of Wife Swap that made John think that I was a member of the Christan Right...no wonder I literally have moved into the Gilbert household. Finishing up the night with an unexpected cuddle session and philosphical chit chat with my boy, I couldn't have wished for a better day.
To everyone who feels like life is running away from them-take a day just for you. It has changed my insides.
Friday, January 05, 2007
Mrs. Hyde
Ah Friday afternoon. I'm finding it harder and harder to stay calm about my life. I want to be one of those people who can escape from the immediate moment and let it be, so to speak. I play one of those people in front of many live audiences day after day. I even think that most people buy my act. My aquaintences anyway. But I am not. I lost my grip today for the firts time in months. And as the sobs rose form my throat on the drive home form work I simply could find no calm silence. I will take drastic measures when these moments take over my mind. I will cut people out of my life without thought of consquence. My instinct for the protection of solitude overides my need for human connection. And my fear of desertion is the only reality to me. And it is so real that it clouds my sanity. I do not want to be like this anymore. I do not want to choose loneliness for fear of being alone in the end.
When did I become like this? I was not always so petrified. I used to feel strong. I used to feel in control. I'm not one to place the blame elsewhere. But this was someone else's doing. Someone else's creation. And I want to give it back. I need to be free of this demon. I am going to ruin everything if I don't learn to breathe. Why can I believe so completely that everything in the universe works out in the end....but I can't trust at all in the moment? I am afraid that I will never be okay.
Ah Friday afternoon. I'm finding it harder and harder to stay calm about my life. I want to be one of those people who can escape from the immediate moment and let it be, so to speak. I play one of those people in front of many live audiences day after day. I even think that most people buy my act. My aquaintences anyway. But I am not. I lost my grip today for the firts time in months. And as the sobs rose form my throat on the drive home form work I simply could find no calm silence. I will take drastic measures when these moments take over my mind. I will cut people out of my life without thought of consquence. My instinct for the protection of solitude overides my need for human connection. And my fear of desertion is the only reality to me. And it is so real that it clouds my sanity. I do not want to be like this anymore. I do not want to choose loneliness for fear of being alone in the end.
When did I become like this? I was not always so petrified. I used to feel strong. I used to feel in control. I'm not one to place the blame elsewhere. But this was someone else's doing. Someone else's creation. And I want to give it back. I need to be free of this demon. I am going to ruin everything if I don't learn to breathe. Why can I believe so completely that everything in the universe works out in the end....but I can't trust at all in the moment? I am afraid that I will never be okay.
Thursday, January 04, 2007
Against the Grain
I know that Thursdays are for lists of lovin' but I'm just feeling a different sort of post today. And I think that the point of blogging is to follow one's creative instincts. So I apologize for straying from the topic but...
I've been thinking alot about feelings. That sounds pretty lame, I know. But honestly, how much can we trust them? I am counseling a friend through a difficult break-up at the moment and after each possibly harmful decision that she makes she keeps repeating the words "i'm following my heart." I'm no stranger to this term myself. I live in a permanently grey area to say the least. However when making decisions based on the heart are we really following what our feelings say or are we following what we wish that they were telling us? And which feelings are we following....?
Case in point-when I fell out of Love with my long-term ex a few years back it took me over a year to finally end it. I thought at the time that i was "following my heart" when I stayed day after day, and more importantly, night after sleepless agonizing night. Obvioulsy my insomnia was telling me something. Each and every day the I stayed I truly believed that it was because my heart Loved him. But once it was finally all said and done and I was sleeping soundly for the first time in over a year, I knew the truth. Fear. I was following my fear. Fear of breaking it off too soon. Fear of losing the one person who wanted to marry me. Fear of dying alone.
But then fear brings us to a whole other terrain. For someone like myself, who suffers form severe anxiety every now and again, I honestly can't trust my fears either. Usually a calm and easy going girlfriend, if I get the anxiety bug, a few hours of an unreturned phone call and I have played out a catastrophic relationship event in my head fit for the big screen. As soon asthe phone buzzes andI talk to him again and nothing monumental has occured, the fear subsides and I am again feeling foolish for taking things to such an extreme.
But what then? So we've established that I can't follow my heart and I clearly can't always trust my fears? So where does that leave me? I truly don't mean to sound like a Sex in the City column, but I'm just feeling quite betrayed by these emotions that are supposed to be my guide posts. Was I born with underdevopled instincts and no one ever told me? Or is everyone always living inmy state of confusion? And if so, is anyone else exhausted? Just a thought for ya'll...
I know that Thursdays are for lists of lovin' but I'm just feeling a different sort of post today. And I think that the point of blogging is to follow one's creative instincts. So I apologize for straying from the topic but...
I've been thinking alot about feelings. That sounds pretty lame, I know. But honestly, how much can we trust them? I am counseling a friend through a difficult break-up at the moment and after each possibly harmful decision that she makes she keeps repeating the words "i'm following my heart." I'm no stranger to this term myself. I live in a permanently grey area to say the least. However when making decisions based on the heart are we really following what our feelings say or are we following what we wish that they were telling us? And which feelings are we following....?
Case in point-when I fell out of Love with my long-term ex a few years back it took me over a year to finally end it. I thought at the time that i was "following my heart" when I stayed day after day, and more importantly, night after sleepless agonizing night. Obvioulsy my insomnia was telling me something. Each and every day the I stayed I truly believed that it was because my heart Loved him. But once it was finally all said and done and I was sleeping soundly for the first time in over a year, I knew the truth. Fear. I was following my fear. Fear of breaking it off too soon. Fear of losing the one person who wanted to marry me. Fear of dying alone.
But then fear brings us to a whole other terrain. For someone like myself, who suffers form severe anxiety every now and again, I honestly can't trust my fears either. Usually a calm and easy going girlfriend, if I get the anxiety bug, a few hours of an unreturned phone call and I have played out a catastrophic relationship event in my head fit for the big screen. As soon asthe phone buzzes andI talk to him again and nothing monumental has occured, the fear subsides and I am again feeling foolish for taking things to such an extreme.
But what then? So we've established that I can't follow my heart and I clearly can't always trust my fears? So where does that leave me? I truly don't mean to sound like a Sex in the City column, but I'm just feeling quite betrayed by these emotions that are supposed to be my guide posts. Was I born with underdevopled instincts and no one ever told me? Or is everyone always living inmy state of confusion? And if so, is anyone else exhausted? Just a thought for ya'll...
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
A Resolution of Sorts...
Happy New Year to all who still stop in and read even though I have been blogless for over a month. I am back. Although feeling less than inspired to be honest. I am hoping that writing on a regular basis again will bring me back to that place. i figure it's worth a shot.
Unfortunatley, as someone who lives and dies for reasons to make lists and new commitments to a healthier happier self, i am in a bad place on this second day of 2007. I am simply not in the mood to evaluate my life in any way shape or form. i feel, quite honestly, like pulling the covers up over my head. But in the spirit of this new year that everyone is so damn excited about here I go....
please bear with me. this is not coming easy to me today.
-To make healthier choices. I was doing so well w/ my 5-9 servings of fruit/veggies and 64 oz of water until July and now I am a dehydrated, veggie-free nightmare. good thing cheese is now considered healthy.
-To exercise not for the look that it will give to my body but for how it will make me feel inside-more energy, better sleeping, much-needed endorphins. I want to officially end this 18 year stretch of self-loathing for my body once and for all and commit to being healthier not thinner. i've come along way but i'm not there yet. Maybe this is the year.
-To believe that I will be Loved despite my imperfections both inside and out. to really believe it-not just say that I do.
-To be a better daughter and grandaughter. My parents and grandmother Love me so much and I give them the least of my time and energy. That needs to stop.
-To read more. To read more. To read more. To read more. Did I say-to read more?
-To continuing fostering my relationships with the incredible friends in my life. To give as much emotionally (if not more) than I get.
-To start my MA program in Theatre Ed so I can do what I Love for the rest of my life instead of crying every day on my way to work.
-To have true faith that everything will be okay. Even when it feels hopeless and scary...
-To sing every day.
Happy 2007 everyone. May it be better and brighter than its predecessor. A nd may we ahve the eyes to see its many gifts...
Happy New Year to all who still stop in and read even though I have been blogless for over a month. I am back. Although feeling less than inspired to be honest. I am hoping that writing on a regular basis again will bring me back to that place. i figure it's worth a shot.
Unfortunatley, as someone who lives and dies for reasons to make lists and new commitments to a healthier happier self, i am in a bad place on this second day of 2007. I am simply not in the mood to evaluate my life in any way shape or form. i feel, quite honestly, like pulling the covers up over my head. But in the spirit of this new year that everyone is so damn excited about here I go....
please bear with me. this is not coming easy to me today.
-To make healthier choices. I was doing so well w/ my 5-9 servings of fruit/veggies and 64 oz of water until July and now I am a dehydrated, veggie-free nightmare. good thing cheese is now considered healthy.
-To exercise not for the look that it will give to my body but for how it will make me feel inside-more energy, better sleeping, much-needed endorphins. I want to officially end this 18 year stretch of self-loathing for my body once and for all and commit to being healthier not thinner. i've come along way but i'm not there yet. Maybe this is the year.
-To believe that I will be Loved despite my imperfections both inside and out. to really believe it-not just say that I do.
-To be a better daughter and grandaughter. My parents and grandmother Love me so much and I give them the least of my time and energy. That needs to stop.
-To read more. To read more. To read more. To read more. Did I say-to read more?
-To continuing fostering my relationships with the incredible friends in my life. To give as much emotionally (if not more) than I get.
-To start my MA program in Theatre Ed so I can do what I Love for the rest of my life instead of crying every day on my way to work.
-To have true faith that everything will be okay. Even when it feels hopeless and scary...
-To sing every day.
Happy 2007 everyone. May it be better and brighter than its predecessor. A nd may we ahve the eyes to see its many gifts...
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