Mrs. Hyde
Ah Friday afternoon. I'm finding it harder and harder to stay calm about my life. I want to be one of those people who can escape from the immediate moment and let it be, so to speak. I play one of those people in front of many live audiences day after day. I even think that most people buy my act. My aquaintences anyway. But I am not. I lost my grip today for the firts time in months. And as the sobs rose form my throat on the drive home form work I simply could find no calm silence. I will take drastic measures when these moments take over my mind. I will cut people out of my life without thought of consquence. My instinct for the protection of solitude overides my need for human connection. And my fear of desertion is the only reality to me. And it is so real that it clouds my sanity. I do not want to be like this anymore. I do not want to choose loneliness for fear of being alone in the end.
When did I become like this? I was not always so petrified. I used to feel strong. I used to feel in control. I'm not one to place the blame elsewhere. But this was someone else's doing. Someone else's creation. And I want to give it back. I need to be free of this demon. I am going to ruin everything if I don't learn to breathe. Why can I believe so completely that everything in the universe works out in the end....but I can't trust at all in the moment? I am afraid that I will never be okay.
2 comments:
Yo, I am the same as you except I don't think that everything in the universe works out in the end. At least you have that. Fight that instict to go into a cocoon of solitude. Do the exact opposite. Visit a friend. Call your moms. Fight it to the death. Take it from a fellow soldier in the 'personal demon' war. Good luck with everything. Barcelona won't be the same without you! (?)
Again, Jecca, I could have written this (in fact, I sorta did...which you read). I know how shitty it feels to play the part of cool, calm, and collected when you're anything but. It's awful. I have a difficult time emerging from that cocoon; it's sooooo much easier to hide myself away, as opposed to asking for help. It's a pattern that you must break, day by day, moment by moment. You will make it through this. If you need anything, let me know. We're on a very similar path...
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