In Love with the Frenzy
Oh my god! I had completely forgotten what it was like to feel this over-extended. It has been about 6 or 7 months since I've had much on my plate other than regular life. And before that I had been just coasting for a year at least. But now-woah! Between this impromptu move to a new apartment six months earlier than expected, taking the GRE's in 2 weeks, finishing my Emmerson application, and work suddenly moving at rocket speed (not to mention my boss' unexpected resignation this morning), I am running at a frantic pace. This multi-tasking, incredibly efficient side of me has been a stranger for so long that I had forgotten how well she can handle everything. Not only am I focused on accomplishing all of these tasks, but I'm simultaneously returning to my healthy eating habits, spending QT w/ friends, family and the sweet boy and reading my bookclub book ahead of time. if anyone can believe that story...

This long-lost version of myself brings back a lot of old baggage though. I had mentally shelved the memories of the machine that i once was. This overly-critical perfectionist who was never satisfied or settled. Who sought the approval of others and defined herself by the number of tasks crossed off of her lists at the end of the day/week/month/year and by how much she weighed. When my long-time ex and I broke up a few years back he told me (in a very loving conversation) "It's true that I might not be the person for you, but even if I was, you would be too preoccupiedto realize it or make it work anyway." Woah. If that doesn't stop you in your tracks and make you take a serious look at your life, I don't know what does.

So a few short months after I crossed into my 24th year I took a big 'ole look and did a whole lotta relaxin'. And it was a struggle at first to learn how to just "chill" but man did it change my life. my 25th b-day present to myself was a year off-no Grad school classes, no rehearsals, no obligations after work. I baked banana bread, read books that I wanted to read, took naps. It is highly recommend that any over-achiever take a year off. man, oh man...did I learn a lot about myself and the true nature of my self worth. Doing or being? it aslo taught me a lot about the people in my life. There were so many that suddenly weren't sure of my worthiness. And it was hard lesson but I realized that they were only there for what i could do for them. And they are clearly no longer around.

But now that she is needed again (she made a brief appearance during wedding season this summer) I am struggling not to fall for her charms. Veins pumping with caffeine, she is thriving under pressure. And I find myself thinking, "wow, I've missed being over-extended like this. I feel so alive." I must tread lightly. She is the true devil in prada. And I've become far too comfortable in my jeans.