Surrender

I haven't blogged in a month.

It is what it is.

At least that's what I'm trying to tell myself. I'm struggling these days with the idea of things being "enough." I am hitting an interesting point in my life. Up until now, I have been very fortunate in both my school and work life. In my academic endevours I studied hard, showed up to class ready to learn and processed as much as my little head and heart could take in. Teachers and professors loved me from preschool to graduate school. Once I began the job-portion of my life, this work ethic translated beautifully. I was on time, worked as hard as I could and always had a huge smile on my face even in the worst of circumstances. Bosses and coworkers loved me.

So what happens when the luck runs out?

Let me start by saying that I still adore my job. It is difficult but rewarding. The commute is awful but my volunteers and patients make it all worthwhile. And the majority of my coworkers are lovely and make me proud to call them my peers.

But there is one person who I cannot please no matter what I do. And who i believe has made it her personal mission to make me look bad.

I know what you're thinking: she's paranoid. i thought the same thing of myself at first. When this whole thing began a year ago I told myself that I was acting crazy. I thought, "just work as hard as you can and she will figure out that she is wrong." Nope. Then i thougt, "kill her with kindness. She'll have to give in. " Two strikes. And then, after aquiring concrete evidence that she is out to get me, I had to give in to the reality of it. And it feel terrible.

But why I ask you, does it even matter? If I know in my heart that I am doing a great job, and certainly working as hard as I can, and that all of my other colleagues love working with me and show me tremendous support and positive reinforcement, why does it matter that one woman hates me? Am I that dependant on others' thoughts of me, that her dislike can make me lose countless nights sleep? And make me question finding a new job???

Obvioulsy, the problem lies within myself.

So, my new mission is to surrender to the fact that she will never like me. Never praise me. Never be proud to be my coworker. And it's okay.

I am waving my white flag...at least for tonight....