Take it Easy
This is what my now ex-man closed his last messsage with on Monday afternoon. "Take it easy." Just that simple sentence sent me into a whirlwind of anger that I could barely refocus and finish my hectic workday. So that's what it all boils down to I guess. After 8 months of the most gut-wrenching relationship (hence why i ended it) where I followed my heart even when my head was screaming "No!!!" because we had a connection and a Love that wa deeper than rational...or so i thought...it all comes down to a thoughtless farewell. What does that even mean? "Take it easy." i can't even explain to you how much those three little words hurt me. More than any of his lies or blatantly uncaring actions. It's unbelievable how we can hurt one another without even knowing the half of it.

This hurt is so deep too. I had forgotten what it felt like to hurt like this. It's been about seven years since my heart has truly been crushed. I can visualize the individual pieces floating around in there. I've never lacked imagination, that's for sure. But I think we forget what it really is to have our hearts broken. I havethrown this term around when guys I have dated over the past 3 years have disappeared or just been negligent with my emotions. But wow, now I know that i was not even close. When my long-time ex and I finally broke up that pain was horrible. it was the end of a great Love and the sadness of having to let something go for no other reason than we just couldn't make it work was indescribable. But neither of had truly hurt the other. We were just deeply deeply sad.

But this is different. This is the hurt that washes over you with waves of pain. And no one would know. You look perfectly normal from the outside. it's aprivate grief. I'll be going about my day and all of a sudden I'll remember something that he said or something that we did together and I will literally want to double over. It's turning my insides out. It's the kind of hurt that only accompanies a keen awareness that a certain piece of you is gone for good. A dream that you once held as a possibilty is no longer. And that, unfortunatly is irreperable. Your life will never turn out the way that you had envisioned it and the person that you felt was the answer to your many prayers is just another stranger. And no amount of time can erase that kind of loss. It's just becomes a part of who you are. One more piece of that little girl who trusts without fail that her dreams may in fact become a reality will never come back. And it hurts. Like nothing else.

But all of this said and done, I'm here. That's the interesting thing about this being the second time in my life that this has happened. The first time you really fear that you will never be you again. And to a certain extent you aren't. Joni Mitchell says it perfectly, as usual,

"Love is touching souls. Surely you touched mine.

Cause part you pours out of me

in these lines from time to time."

But it's different now b/c I know that you put one foot in front of the other, eat your breakfast, have dinner with friends (thank God for Wednesdays), make plans for the near and distant futire and slowly you just learn to live again. Changed but here. And I'm not sure right now if that makes me feel better or worse. Btu I know that I'm still standing and that's got to count for something.

Just Blame the Hormones
It's just one of those days. When the tears are welled up right behind your eyes and the slightest disappointment or twinge of heartache could send you right over the edge. I'm trying to blame it on my second month of a new birth contol pill. That is always a good scapegoat. And I know that hormones are playing a role in the gravity of the situation. But I think it may just be me. The boy and I had a little tiff last night and I'm still really hurt by his behavior and although he was insanely apolagetic at first I believe that he is now quite perturbed at me. Or at least I am assuming that since I have not heard from him since said phone conversation. And to tell you the truth, i am straight up tired of caring. As I told him last night, I feel like all I do is take care of him (and everyone else for that matter) and that, w/ the honest exception of Nina last night, who the hell was taking care of me? And I'm fed up with him.

I Love him and when he is good he is so great that my sky is bluer. But sometimes I just feel so damn alone and I know that I would be okay on my own. I wish that I could truly figure out if this was his age (his is soo much younger than I am) or just who he is. And he honestly does work so hard at being a better man for me. And shouldn't that be enough? But sometimes it's not. Sometimes I think that there could be a guy my own age out there who could be all of those things. And that I wouldn't have to work so damn hard all of the time. But the thought of giving up on us at this point breaks my little heart. Maybe I'm just tired...I am so emotionally exhausted. This move and work and living in a place where I am so clearly not wanted r ght now...plus hormones, plus difficult relationship, plus crazy mom equals one tired little girl. Part of me thinks that if I could just close my door for 20 minutes and have a good solid cry that I would be okay. But I can't. Should be one good cryin' commute...if you see a girl in black Corolla weeping in the lane enxt to you, please do not be alarmed.

Life is too funny....at least I"m still smiling through my tears.

She Says it Better than I Ever Could...
Welcome Morning
by: Anne Sexton
There is joy
in all:
in the hair I brush each morning,
in the Cannon towel, newly washed,
that I rub my body with each morning,
in the chapel of eggs I cook
each morning,
in the outcry from the kettle
that heats my coffee
each morning,
in the spoon and the chair
that cry "hello there, Anne"
each morning,
in the godhead of the table
that I set my silver, plate, cup upon
each morning.
All this is God,
right here in my pea-green house
each morning
and I mean,
though often forget,
to give thanks,
to faint down by the kitchen table
in a prayer of rejoicing
as the holy birds at the kitchen window
peck into their marriage of seeds.
So while I think of it,
let me paint a thank-you on my palm
for this God, this laughter of the morning,
lest it go unspoken.
The Joy that isn't shared, I've heard,
dies young.

And this is where I'm at today, my friends. Or at least where I'm striving to be....

Running in Circles
I'm so over this anxiety. So over this film reel that plays over and over again in my head. Playing horrible lies and betrayals...and the little aching in my head/heart whispers "think about it. it could be true. just indulge it for a second." And then I do and the whole scenario is out of control and then I am giving attitude to people for crimes that I have no real proof that they have committed. And then I have to apolagize. I'm so totally over this.

And it gets me thinking about people who suffer from true debilitating mental illness. This anxiety is no picnic, don't get me wrong. But I can meditate through it or go to the gym and spin my little heart out. But the paranoia of some schizophrenics...it makes me so sad to think of the life that it robs from people. B/c my little plotlines are so real to me and I am someone who can can rationalize them away...to a certain extent. How cruel is it for the brain to just allow these delusions to take hold of some people with such reality? And our society has no patience or understanding for such illnesses. I offer no solution. It just got me thinking...and made me feel grateful for my ability to walk away from these mind-games...even if it challenges my happiness from time to time...

Angels, Demons and a Moving Truck
Two blogs in one day? I guess this is what happens when you get up to your body's alarm clock, huh? I was going to hold off and write tomorrow, but I figured if the inspiration was there I should go for it. No more rules and regulations, please.

So here I am packing up my life once again. My kitchen is almost complete and I don't have a whole lot else to worry about other than my bedroom and that's easy. I got rid of so much stuff in my July move that I've downsized quite a bit already. Which is the big perk of moving for me. I get more and more spartan (which is a life goal of mine) each and every time.

As I'm dancing around to showtunes (thanks Standing Room Only) and taping box after box, I can't help but feel that nagging gut-wrenching feeling that always accompanies a new apartment. I don't know what it is about moving, but the whole process really traps me inside of my own head. And I'm excited about this move-don't get me wrong. But it's bringing up lots of baggage.

Last week at work we each had to pick an angel out of a glass bowl. (we work with terminally ill patients every day-please excuse the touchy-feely-ness). I was really hoping for certain words-trust, healing, cleansing.-that I felt as though I truly needed in that moment. What I picked was "adventure." And I was not happy. This was not the word that I needed to reflect on or have perspective on at this point. Or so I thought...

But as this crazy life continues to teach me, what we want, or think that we need, is simply not what we really need. Frustrated, I put my little Adventure Angel in my planner and went about by life. And now, faced with another uprooting...another huge change that I simple wasn't ready for, it has hit me. She is the exact angel for me. There have been so many times in the past 5 years when I have really stepped back and looked at my life and thought-finally. i'm finally settled. In a home, a relationship, a life routine. And each and every time, the jarring changes that fate eventually brought to me were unexpected and frightening. But they've always been necessary growing pains. Even if it took awhile for me to see them in their proper light.

And now here I stand. Embarking upon another adventure. Moving to a place that I never expected to live, with a friend that I never thought I would live with, and in a relationship that gives "unsettled" a whole new meaning. How could I have ever thought that I needed any other angel that Adventure? She is my girl. And I feel as though she may be for a long time.

So as I organize my life into sections-towels, pictures, wine glasses-I am equal parts bitter and grateful about my unsettled existence. Why are some people graced with a calm life where evreything falls effortlessly into place? Why is there home always warm and steady and their relationships secure? And why aren't mine? Why am I always moving and questioning? But then it shifts. How lucky am I to have ben given the gift of motion? To have lived and laughed with so many lovely people. To have experienced different cities and spaces. To have called so many places "home." To have Loved and have been Loved by so many incredible people. To know that my journey is still in its infancy and that I have so much to learn.

So when faced with these two forces-the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other-I'm going to go with that angel. Here's to another road...May she protect me and keep me strong and smiling...

Knowing is Half the Battle
Following the recent bloggy inspiration of Coffee and Sunshine I myself have decided to jump out of bed on this snowy Saturday as soon as my sleepy eyes opened. It hadn't occured to me until I read her last entry that I have totally put myself into some bizarre sleep-obsessed/deprived cycle as well. Oversleeping is definitely contributing tothis bizarre anxiety/insomnia thing that I've had going on for the past few months. So as soon as I looked at the clock's harmless display of 8:36 and heard my internal monologue say "Oh, that's not eight hours. I went to bed at 1:30" an alarm went off in my head. "Get up! Your body is clearly ready to start your day." So here I am. I'm a little bit concerned that my day is starting with the internet, but I'm going to cut myself some slack since I am having a big ole glass of H2O (which is such a chore to me) before my coffee. Work in progress, but moving in the right direction...

In Love with the Frenzy
Oh my god! I had completely forgotten what it was like to feel this over-extended. It has been about 6 or 7 months since I've had much on my plate other than regular life. And before that I had been just coasting for a year at least. But now-woah! Between this impromptu move to a new apartment six months earlier than expected, taking the GRE's in 2 weeks, finishing my Emmerson application, and work suddenly moving at rocket speed (not to mention my boss' unexpected resignation this morning), I am running at a frantic pace. This multi-tasking, incredibly efficient side of me has been a stranger for so long that I had forgotten how well she can handle everything. Not only am I focused on accomplishing all of these tasks, but I'm simultaneously returning to my healthy eating habits, spending QT w/ friends, family and the sweet boy and reading my bookclub book ahead of time. if anyone can believe that story...

This long-lost version of myself brings back a lot of old baggage though. I had mentally shelved the memories of the machine that i once was. This overly-critical perfectionist who was never satisfied or settled. Who sought the approval of others and defined herself by the number of tasks crossed off of her lists at the end of the day/week/month/year and by how much she weighed. When my long-time ex and I broke up a few years back he told me (in a very loving conversation) "It's true that I might not be the person for you, but even if I was, you would be too preoccupiedto realize it or make it work anyway." Woah. If that doesn't stop you in your tracks and make you take a serious look at your life, I don't know what does.

So a few short months after I crossed into my 24th year I took a big 'ole look and did a whole lotta relaxin'. And it was a struggle at first to learn how to just "chill" but man did it change my life. my 25th b-day present to myself was a year off-no Grad school classes, no rehearsals, no obligations after work. I baked banana bread, read books that I wanted to read, took naps. It is highly recommend that any over-achiever take a year off. man, oh man...did I learn a lot about myself and the true nature of my self worth. Doing or being? it aslo taught me a lot about the people in my life. There were so many that suddenly weren't sure of my worthiness. And it was hard lesson but I realized that they were only there for what i could do for them. And they are clearly no longer around.

But now that she is needed again (she made a brief appearance during wedding season this summer) I am struggling not to fall for her charms. Veins pumping with caffeine, she is thriving under pressure. And I find myself thinking, "wow, I've missed being over-extended like this. I feel so alive." I must tread lightly. She is the true devil in prada. And I've become far too comfortable in my jeans.

Thanks be...
Taking a Monday off for relaxation purposes makes Thursday afternoon come a hell of a lot sooner. No complaints here. So I'm definitely thankful for that. And new beginnings. After a pretty traumatic roomate situation errupted yesterday morning it made the changes that I need to make in the "future" a whole lot more imminent. So I'm looking for a new place, applying to a new Grad School Program, which is a whole new career journey in and of itself, and continuing on my never ending quest for self discovery and self fulfillment, which is always a new turning page.

I find it quite scary today. Like I'm leaning over a precipice and I have no idea what is going to meet me at the bottom. But I'm so grateful for this constant gift of renewal. Of the reminder that there is always a chapter that you haven't even opened in you own book. It can get so easy to feel confined by your own present. Especially if said present isn't go so smoothly. But this just reinforces my belief that life uses its tides to push you right along the path that you are meant to be traveling on.

So today I say thank you for change. Both frightening and glorious. May I be able to stay grateful ecen when overwhelmed.

A gift to yourself
After a few days with absolutely no obligations, a guiltlessly planned mental health day yesterday and a mountain of "me" time, I feel rested, rejuvenated and back on track. Things are still a little hazy and confusing and I think that the whole forced life reflection that a New Year brings was a little too much for me too handle this year. But that being said, I feel, once again, that life is not just managable, but the best damn gift around. Losing perspective can make you feel so greedy when it's all back to normal.

Yesterday was one of those days when you just can't help but feel lucky to be alive. Not in the grandiose big event sort of way, but in the simple plesaures that make life worth living sort of way. I feel asleep with an "I Love you. Sleep well, okay?" from my sweet boy Sunday night. 10 decadent hours of sleep later (for a self-proclaimed insomniac no less!) I spent the morning alone reading, sipping pumpkin flavored coffee and eating delicious granola cereal in my pj's. Here's to the return of healthy eating! Here's to trying anyway...

As if the day couldn't get any better, I swooped in on nina's relaxing day with her unbelievable family and friends. Freshly baked mushroom pizza and homemade brownies kept up our stamina while we learned the art of sushi rolling. It's like crafting with food! Even though our rolls were overflowing with rice and we may have undone the healthy side of it by indulging in a few too many dips of peanut sauce, we were glowing with pride. We've even planned a whole new menu for a future wed night of goodness. Scrapbooking, cuddling with 2 of my favorite little humans, chugging milk in glass canisters and an episode of Wife Swap that made John think that I was a member of the Christan Right...no wonder I literally have moved into the Gilbert household. Finishing up the night with an unexpected cuddle session and philosphical chit chat with my boy, I couldn't have wished for a better day.

To everyone who feels like life is running away from them-take a day just for you. It has changed my insides.

Mrs. Hyde
Ah Friday afternoon. I'm finding it harder and harder to stay calm about my life. I want to be one of those people who can escape from the immediate moment and let it be, so to speak. I play one of those people in front of many live audiences day after day. I even think that most people buy my act. My aquaintences anyway. But I am not. I lost my grip today for the firts time in months. And as the sobs rose form my throat on the drive home form work I simply could find no calm silence. I will take drastic measures when these moments take over my mind. I will cut people out of my life without thought of consquence. My instinct for the protection of solitude overides my need for human connection. And my fear of desertion is the only reality to me. And it is so real that it clouds my sanity. I do not want to be like this anymore. I do not want to choose loneliness for fear of being alone in the end.

When did I become like this? I was not always so petrified. I used to feel strong. I used to feel in control. I'm not one to place the blame elsewhere. But this was someone else's doing. Someone else's creation. And I want to give it back. I need to be free of this demon. I am going to ruin everything if I don't learn to breathe. Why can I believe so completely that everything in the universe works out in the end....but I can't trust at all in the moment? I am afraid that I will never be okay.

Against the Grain
I know that Thursdays are for lists of lovin' but I'm just feeling a different sort of post today. And I think that the point of blogging is to follow one's creative instincts. So I apologize for straying from the topic but...

I've been thinking alot about feelings. That sounds pretty lame, I know. But honestly, how much can we trust them? I am counseling a friend through a difficult break-up at the moment and after each possibly harmful decision that she makes she keeps repeating the words "i'm following my heart." I'm no stranger to this term myself. I live in a permanently grey area to say the least. However when making decisions based on the heart are we really following what our feelings say or are we following what we wish that they were telling us? And which feelings are we following....?

Case in point-when I fell out of Love with my long-term ex a few years back it took me over a year to finally end it. I thought at the time that i was "following my heart" when I stayed day after day, and more importantly, night after sleepless agonizing night. Obvioulsy my insomnia was telling me something. Each and every day the I stayed I truly believed that it was because my heart Loved him. But once it was finally all said and done and I was sleeping soundly for the first time in over a year, I knew the truth. Fear. I was following my fear. Fear of breaking it off too soon. Fear of losing the one person who wanted to marry me. Fear of dying alone.

But then fear brings us to a whole other terrain. For someone like myself, who suffers form severe anxiety every now and again, I honestly can't trust my fears either. Usually a calm and easy going girlfriend, if I get the anxiety bug, a few hours of an unreturned phone call and I have played out a catastrophic relationship event in my head fit for the big screen. As soon asthe phone buzzes andI talk to him again and nothing monumental has occured, the fear subsides and I am again feeling foolish for taking things to such an extreme.

But what then? So we've established that I can't follow my heart and I clearly can't always trust my fears? So where does that leave me? I truly don't mean to sound like a Sex in the City column, but I'm just feeling quite betrayed by these emotions that are supposed to be my guide posts. Was I born with underdevopled instincts and no one ever told me? Or is everyone always living inmy state of confusion? And if so, is anyone else exhausted? Just a thought for ya'll...

A Resolution of Sorts...
Happy New Year to all who still stop in and read even though I have been blogless for over a month. I am back. Although feeling less than inspired to be honest. I am hoping that writing on a regular basis again will bring me back to that place. i figure it's worth a shot.

Unfortunatley, as someone who lives and dies for reasons to make lists and new commitments to a healthier happier self, i am in a bad place on this second day of 2007. I am simply not in the mood to evaluate my life in any way shape or form. i feel, quite honestly, like pulling the covers up over my head. But in the spirit of this new year that everyone is so damn excited about here I go....

please bear with me. this is not coming easy to me today.

-To make healthier choices. I was doing so well w/ my 5-9 servings of fruit/veggies and 64 oz of water until July and now I am a dehydrated, veggie-free nightmare. good thing cheese is now considered healthy.

-To exercise not for the look that it will give to my body but for how it will make me feel inside-more energy, better sleeping, much-needed endorphins. I want to officially end this 18 year stretch of self-loathing for my body once and for all and commit to being healthier not thinner. i've come along way but i'm not there yet. Maybe this is the year.

-To believe that I will be Loved despite my imperfections both inside and out. to really believe it-not just say that I do.

-To be a better daughter and grandaughter. My parents and grandmother Love me so much and I give them the least of my time and energy. That needs to stop.

-To read more. To read more. To read more. To read more. Did I say-to read more?

-To continuing fostering my relationships with the incredible friends in my life. To give as much emotionally (if not more) than I get.

-To start my MA program in Theatre Ed so I can do what I Love for the rest of my life instead of crying every day on my way to work.

-To have true faith that everything will be okay. Even when it feels hopeless and scary...

-To sing every day.

Happy 2007 everyone. May it be better and brighter than its predecessor. A nd may we ahve the eyes to see its many gifts...