Putting it Back Together
Hello Wednesday. i am taking a necessary break from my loooong workday to stop in and say hello. I have made a new commitment to this job. I know that i say that every other day at this point but I really am trying. I also need to get my act together and finish my Emmerson application and sign up for those damn GRE's. I am avoiding those like the plague. i do well on those kind of tests but I despise them! So unecessary.

i am feeling much better today. Keeping things together on the outside and hoping that the inside will catch up soon. My therapist is worried that I will try to get over it to fast and not mourn properly but I just can't sit here and cry anymore. What's done is done. He called me today and wants to "talk" but I'm just too tired of the drama. i'm looking for happiness, baby. Nothing more and nothing less. And it's just not here. Not in my line of sight anyway.

So what I've decided to do today to keep perspective is post this pic of one of my most favorite moments. Since Janessa had her sister as her maid of honor, she blessed me with a few very special tasks to make me feel special: cantoring mass, giving their toast and putting on her garter. This garter also has special meaning to us both b/c it belongs to Bren's aunt who has played such a huge role in all 3 of our lives over the years. It was such a wildly cool experience- placing this garter from someone that Loves us both so much onto her leg and looking up into this face that i have been Loving since I was 6 years old! Life surely is a cycle. Challenging yet beautiful. Joyous yet painful. No one would argue that it is all easy or that every day feels worth geting out of bed for. But i'll take my chances for moments like that...

Mixed Emotions
So I am regretful today. I should have blogged about my Thanksgiving before now because it was fabulous. Wednesday night my friends and i delivered turkeys and boxes overflowing with food to some families in need. We have been doing this for about 10 of the past 13 years but this was by far my best experience! We delivered to 5 families and were greeted with tears, huge hugs and more "God bless you's" than we knew what to do with. This night defined the holiday for me. And it was so inspiring to see so many young families starting this tradition with their children. All is not lost my friends. There is hope for our generation. We are not only about technology and materialism. We are still filled with Love and humanity. I saw it with my own eyes.

Thanksgiving itself was brimming with family and more food than we could eat-as usual. i had already made 3 stops by 8 pm and only called it quits because of the impending work day. There were children everywhere. I must have answered to a million "Auntie?!" requests. "Auntie can you do my ballet video with me? Anuntie, can I sit w/ you at dessert? Auntie, can you read this book to me?" i was in my glory! And then on Sat I took my 6 year old nephew to see Happy Feet. We held hands and tap danced our way through the parking lot afterwards and I was literally bursting with joy. It is nearly impossible to feel bad about oneself when a child looks at you with such Love and faith in his/her eyes. I am just in awe of their ability to Love. They are such a gift to me. Lucky lucky lucky am I.

Friday night was perfect as well. A lazy night of leftovers (yummy torte!), scrabble and Christmas movies at the Gilbert household. it was exactly the low key evening that I was craving. Even though I drove John and Kevin crazy with my blatant lack of effort during scrabble. Sorry guys.... i'll try harder next time.

So all in all it was a beautiful holiday. Thank God b/c the weekend took a horrible turn after that....

i have blogged about my relationship here many times. Some good/Some bad. Like any relationship. But we have not spoken since sunday afternoon and i do believe that this is the end of our road for now at least. He was so hurtful and cruel to me and i just don't think that I can give any more of myself to him. I believe that he Loves me very much and I Love him more than I could ever put into words here. But he is so confused and tormented and his road is clearly forking. And I am just so settled and secure in myself and in what I want/need out of my life. it has taken me a long long time to get here. And I believe that he is just young and needs to find his way far far from me. And it breaks my heart into a million pieces b/c i haven't loved someone this much in years...maybe ever...but I can't give anymore of myself to him without ripping myself apart. i can't cry anymore and I don't want to. He hasn't called me since Sunday either so maybe he is done as well. That would actually be a blessing of sorts to me since i find it so difficult to walk away from Love even when I clearly should.

If our prayers were always granted I would ask that he would figure his life out on his own and that we would find eachother again someday and be ready to Love eachother the right way. But i know better than that. So instead I pray for healing. i pray that my heart doesn't hold onto this pain too tightly or for too long and make a new scar. i pray that i don't blame myself completely for yet another failed relationship. That i can keep my focus on all of the outstanding people in my life that do Love me and not the ones that don't. That Love will enfold its arms around me and hold me close-and that I someone wonderful will finally find me and really Love me for me. And I pray the he finds peace within himself and that he eventually sees how much I truly Love him. man, those are quite a lot of requests huh? Well if anyone has any extra prayers floating around out there, can you please send them my way? I could use a few extra right now....

And thank you for this great place where I can share my innermost feelings and fears. It is truly healing....

Call me Mrs. Claus
Well here it is again...holiday time. So many of you have already started blogging about my absolute favorite time of year so I figured that I would jump right on your sleigh myself. I am such a holiday nerd (self-proclaimed...there's no shame here folks) that I am usually greeted w/ rolling eyes when I come on the scene during this time of year. My roomate wants to kill me b/c I decorate everything in sight and Christmas music has already been playing in my car/office for 2 weeks. I'm one of those people that enjoys the mall at Christmas. Truthfully. That's me. I believe in its magic. Its goodness. Its power to ignite hope and faith and love in our hearts. i am saddened that it is lost to so many and I feel grateful that the fire still burns in me so strongly.

These pics are of my sweet friend and I desperately searching for signs of Christmas in LA. When we found this tree in an outdoor mall we practically assaulted our fellow shoppers to take our picture in front of it. It's pretty clear that we are in our own private heaven. With her being so far away we have developed our own ways to cope with the distance (aka Pre-Thanksgiving Dinner, nightly phone calls, over-priced flights) but not being together during the Christmas Season is something that we still can't really come to terms with. She and I have been in Love with Christmas together for as long as I can remember. Since I was 6 years old we have watched all of our favorite holiday movies together, sipping steaming mugs of hot chocolate with big clouds of fluff perched on top. We scheduled our family tree decorating on separate nights so that we cuold be present at both and drive our parents insane together. We even made our own Christmas music video collection in 7th grade which we watch (much to the chagrin of our family and friends) every year and started carolling w/ friends door to door as we got older and realized that singing wasn't just a hobby for us. Our Christmas Season is magical and beautiful and full of Love. We've never given in to the hype and the stress and the money.

But now it's harder b/c she is far away. I absolutely adore my friends and family. Don't get me wrong. It would be fair to say that I am literally the luckiest person in the world in that department. But there's just something missing without her. And we do try to stuff it into the few days that she is home, but it's just not the same. I guess it will just make it all the more special when she is back for good.

until then my fellow bloggers, welcome to the holiday season. May we all have a sweet journey, free from all of the materialism and anxiety that now accompanies this special time...

So Cal part 2 (of many more)
These are the pics from our gorgeous afternoon at El Matador Beach. I'm confident in saying that I've never seen anything so beautiful. Even the scary scrawny nude man perched on the rock couldn't wear down the magic of this place. So incredibly lovely....to anyone who thinks I'm crazy for wanting to get married at the ocean instead of a church-there's no way that you can tell me that God doesn't live there. No way....I'm confident in saying that I think it's His home base.

So here it is again-another Monday. I hadn't even processed my LA trip yet before I was off to NYC for the weekend. We'll get to that adventure eventually....I got home last night around 1am and it feels both great and deeply sad to be home for good. I've got a weird thing going on with me these days. I'm feeling that intense urge to uproot and start over in a new location for awhile. I think it's also known as "running away." I've been indulging it a quite a bit lately and I'm not sure if it's doing more harm than good to my emotions. I haven't really stood still long enough to make any honest decisions. Maybe that's why I'm so scared to be home. It's too real here.

So Cal Rules part 1

So I just got back from LA tuesday night and I am still riding the wave of happiness and relaxation. There are no words for how wonderful the whole experience was. As if spending 4 1/2 uninterrupted days with my two best buds wasn't enough I got to do it in LA. I may write about it forever so bear with me.

Ness and i causing a scene at the Hollywood Hills

I also took lots and lots of pics while I was there and Ness amde me a CD of a ton of old pics that I've been craving. So I will be filling these blogs with many photos soon enough. this one is worth
putting up even though i can't rotate it. We had just figured out how to use the self timer and drove around the city taking pictures of ourselves anywhere and everywhere. The best part is that we were blaring Christmas music out her '92 Ford Festiva while angry tourists stared at us w/ disdain. God it felt so great to just be silly with her. Okay, that's all the time that Ia hve now. Stay tuned for much much more. And I can't wait to catch up with everyone's blogs. I've been having withdrawals.

Brendan and I at last year's Pre-Thanksgiving dinner
Thoughts for Today
Hello Tuesday. Here we all are. Today is a one of those days where I am battling with myself. Fighting against the anxiety that is stirring within me. these thoughts that threaten to take over my calm self assurance and turn me into fear-ridden shaking child. But I am winning the battle. I refused to take my ambien last night and actually managed to get about 5-6 hours of sleep. Very good for yours truly on days like this. One step for little old me.

I am feeling very needed lately and that makes me feel alive. I have been the needy one for months now and after demanding attention and support from my loved ones for what feels like an eternity it feels so invigorating to be the one that people are calling on for support, guidance and Love. My friend Brendan called me last night. He is the type of person that never wants to drop his strong happy facade. And when he does you feel honored to have been invited into his melancholy. It has been years since I have gotten a call like that from him. That was our MO for a long time but friendships change and we look to different people to fill the old roles. But last night we were us again. And it felt wonderful to remind him that sad is okay today. Natural, normal and sometimes soothing. And he listened. And i can only hope that i did some good.

Other than that just trying to make it through the work day without resigning. And so it goes....

Is it Monday Already?
That was my first thought as I opened my eyes this morning. After another whirlwind of a weekend I can't believe that it's time to start the work-week again. Can't believe it. And as much as I'm trying to find meaning in this hateful job of mine I just can't seem to keep the momentum. And I really am trying. I swear. I'm not used to being this crazy negative about something. But I wake up with that dreaded "I can't beileve that I have to go there again today" feeling in my stomach. It's poisoning me. I'm becoming one of those I-hate-Sunday-night people that I used to pity. Thank God it's not forever, right?

But I would much rather talk about my fabulous friend/family filled weekend. Friday night was a fabulous b-day party for my homosexual boyfriend (and his boyfriend actually...ironic) at the Golden Temple in Brookline. The sweetest beef teriyaki that I've ever tasted and yummy spicy pad thai. good eats, good peeps, good dancing. Then I picked up my boy and drove home in 2 hours of accident-ridden traffic. I did my best not to freak out thinking "you could live in an impoverished country. you could be in the accident. you could be sick and confined to your bed." It woked for awhile at least. and when I pulled into the driveway and he was sweetly sleeping in the passenger's seat i couldn't help but smile at my life. And awaken him with cheek kisses.

We spent a lazy Saturday in bed until about 2. It was heaven. As the all too familiar doubt crept into my heart like it does day after day he turned to me out of nowhere and said "i could do this every minute for the rest of my life." Just shower, lay here with you and then lay here some more tomorrow." Sometimes we really do get what we need. Then some yummy panera goodness. Sat night some friends and I went to see him play at some shady bar and danced to the cheesy cover songs while the drunk frat/sorority peeps made out with eachoether all around us. We finished the night off by traipsing barefoot (i still have no regrets. My heels were killing me!) through Boston and binge eating wings at this local dive called Adam's. Finger lickin' good-literally.

Slept on a friend's couch (did i mention that i had a few glasses of vino while dancing to said cheesy music?) and woke to a delicious homemade breakfast feast and good catch-up chatter with her fam. Stayed in our pj's until way past noon. Guilty, lazy fun. got dressed and went to my aunt's house to spend some QT with my cousin home from college (how is she so old? I remember when she came home from the hospital) and finished the evening at my bro's house at some jewelry party that my sister-in-law suckered me into. Actually had a great time and may try to work for them while I go back to school. Then built some cool lego-ish buildings with my nephew. legos have come a long way man.

So that was the weekend. Can't complain that's for sure. Just have to hope it keeps me going through this work week. Chugchugchug...

I Get it Now-Thursdays are for Love
Okay, so I think that I'm finally cathing on to this Thursday list thing. I really want to get on board with the theme posts but alas my digi camera has gone to the land of the lost. But this theme I can do camera-free. So here goes

-Wednesday night-Arriving early enough to hug and kiss the kiddies. Nin's french onion soup. So delicious and warm and filling. Just like her home. A lovely conversation with my old dear friend that just goes to show that life is not always going perfectly but that we can embrace it and let it take us somewhere that we need to be. It is okay to feel off. It is okay to question and doubt. That is the ying to Love's yang. All that matters is having a friend to hold you still when the waters are rushing in. I'm honored to be those arms.

-Feeling inspired by work for the first time in months. i finally feel like this is where I need to be for now. Not forever. But that's okay. life has brought me here and i have to stop fighting it and just see where it takes me. it feels great to be at peace with that after months of turmoil.

-My CD's that Shauna has made for me. One "old school" with songs that each remind me of a different place and time in our 21 year friendship. What a great ride it's been too. So many laughs. every new track makes me smile with a great memory. And the second CD of just plain old good tunes. Nothing makes me happy like a good mix CD...well, except for good food....

- My upcoming travels. I am usually such a homebody. Traveling is jsust not really for me. I'm very content in my town having a sweet lazy life with the people that I Love. Unfortunately a large amount of said people live far from me. So next week I am off to LA to visit the Murphys (still weird to write) and then I am back for 2 days and then off to NYC to visit the girls in our old stomping ground. I am so excited for these adventures. And then it will be holiday time which I absolutey adore. I think a little time away from home will do me some major good.

-My new therapist. i was so afraid to take that step and actually make the appointment. But I Love it! It is just what I needed to clear my head. Every time I get overwhelmed or feel anxious I just think-don't worry-you can talk about it later with Linda. And I put it to bed. Why did I wait so long? Lesson learned. Everyone should go. So liberating.

Happy thursday everyone. I hope it finds you all happy, healthy and smiling.



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Inspired is the Word of the Day
After a previous week filled with self doubt, immense loss of hope and an overwhelming feeling that a "black cloud" was following me-in true winnie the pooh fashion let me tell you-it feels so outstanding to have had a day like today. I went to my first Hospice Conference today and although I was signed up for 3 workshops that focused on the "task at hand" (I'm into quotations today so I'm going with it) my friend and I slyly ditched the dry, technical lectures and snuck in to the "touchy feely" (this is not my quote-a coworker actually said this with disdain) seminars because that is where my heart was leading me. And why am I working for hospice if I can't follow the all-knowing guidance of my heart? So I did. And they were remarkable. I learned so much about myself, the human spirit and living up until the very last breath. I feel rejuvenated. Invigorated. All the "ateds." What a great day at work!

And then I came home and spent a little QT with my DVR. She is a true friend. Never fails me. Straight up goodness. And I decided to catch up on my Inside the Actors Studio. Now, Angelina Jolie has never been an inspiration to me before. I am usually quite disgusted with celebrities in general. Especially homewrecking celebrities. But as an actress who Loves not just the performace but the craft, I have to give credit where credit is due. As I look to my future as a theatre educator, I can only hope to have students as gifted, vulnerable and accessible as this young woman. She makes me proud to be an actress. Proud to devote my future to the Arts. Proud to call the theatre my home.

So that's what inspires me today. Risk taking. Falling in Love with life. Strengthening through adversity. Following one's passions. And I haven't even had Wed night at Nina's yet....what a day....

Isn't Life Grand
Hello blog world. I am back from a little blog-free hiatus of sorts. I was pretty sure that I didn't want to be alone with my thoughts last week so i took a little vacation from my brain. But now I feel rested and ready to blahblahblah myself all over this blog of mine...

So on this Monday afternoon i am still reeling from a fabulous weekend of friendship, family and Love-filled celebration. All of which of course were centered around food. And so goes my life.....my two bestest friends were home from Cali for a wedding and we sqeezed as much QT into Sunday as we possibly could. 10:30 breakfast at Ness' mom's house-aka my other childhood home- with Ness, Bren, Shauna, Erin and her wonderful boyfriend who fits in like he's known us forever (which is no small task since we all have 20+ years of private jokes under our belts), Ritchie, myself and everyone's sweet little doggies. it was a loud zoo of laughter and fast paced conversation as we all tried to catch up on a month's worth of life in an hour and a half while still trying to shovel as much delicious french toast and scrambled eggs into our mouths as possible. The morning culminated with a splinter in my upper lip from a fruit-clad toothpick and icing it w/ a grape for 2o minutes. Nothing like old friends to laugh at (and photograph) your goofiest moments.....

i ran straight home to make a pumpkin pie (could I be more obsessed with pumpkin?) and was (per usual) 15 minutes late for our 2nd annual pre-Thanksgiving dinner (since they can't be home for the official holday) at Bren's mom's house (another childhood haven). The final head-count was 27 as we passed out steaming soup and glasses of wine to tables upon tables of family and friends. Seven hours of turkey, stuffing, squash, mashed potatoes and John Denver and the Muppet's Christmas CD playing in the background.....it just goes to show that the holidays truly have nothing to do with the day itself but the vibe and the people-because anyone there would've told you that it was the best Thanksgiving Day ever. God I Love the people in that house. I wish everyone could feel that kind of togetherness. And I didn't share blood or genes with one person there. Chosen family. it's a beautiful thing.

And then there's my last thank you of the day. I spent a beautiful weekend with my man. Since few know about our relationship it can be a very overwhelming situation-the hiding can really get to me. But yesterday was perfect. We are mastering the art of subtle romantic gestures. Where the other couples were able to publicly hold hands or wrap their arms around eachother we have to settle for a knowing smile or a private joke cleverly placed in a conversation with others. And although he expressed his frustration with these restrictions on our ride home, I have made a certain peace with it all at the moment. We have had such struggles to stay together over these past 4 months for so many reasons and here we are. Not because it's easy or convenient or comfortable. It's actually the most challenging relationship that I have ever even thought of being a part of. And it's inconvenient and messy and makes my life much more work than it would be if I were alone. And sometimes that makes me want to leave and go back to my simple independence where no one can hurt me and everything goes smoothly in my solitude. But then we get to steal a quick moment-a random trip to the bathroom finds us in an isolated hallway with 30 seconds of uninterrupted time. And I curl up against him, warm and safe and quiet, his arms envelope me and I press my head to his familiar chest- a chest that I never dreamed in a million years would be my pillow-and we just breathe...in and out in and out....and the world is still and calm. And my heart is at ease. Perfection. And I just want to say thank you.

You think too much

This is what my boyfriend accused me of the other day when I was trying to talk to him about our relationship. And it got me thinking-I certainly know that I am not "normal." And right now I really want to be. I am so tired of feeling this creeping anxious feeling like I have no control over anything. I am so tired of being prisoner to this fear that makes itself at home in my chest. I try so hard to keep perspective. To focus on tasks. To remember that nothing is that big or that scary or that important. I try to bring myself to a place of calm and comfort in a world that is so much larger than me . To remind myself that my life is just not that serious and that no matter what happens I will be okay. And my rational side knows this. My brain has the complete capacity to know that i will always land on my feet. That i will always find my way. That Love always finds me and holds me close in the way that I need even if it's not in the way that I might want. And that no one person, place or thing defines me. But my heart is paralyzed with fear. Fear of being alone and not having my Love returned. Fear of change and heartbreak. And I know that everyone has these fears. They are human after all. But i don't think that their ferocity is normal. Their stifling control over me. And I'm tired of feeling like this. And I refuse to believe that i cannot reach a place of peace without a little pill. I know that many people need this and I am certainly not anti-medecine. But I just can't beileve that true faith in myself can be found in a prescription bottle. There has to be another way.

But I guess that I really can't win. When my only real adult looking-to-the-future relationship first came to an end shortly after my 24th birthday I made a decision. I was not going to break apart like I had in the past. I was not going to turn into that introspective, journal writing, soul searching girl who wore her heart on her sleeve and thought everything to death. If other people could get over things with ease and fill their nights w/shallow conversation and bottles of vodka so could I. I am a fun girl after all. I Love to laugh, party and dress myself up in pretty little things. After all, why did life have to be so damn meaningful? Why had I chosen to live this way when i could be thought-free and simple and vain? This new bar-hopping, apearance obsessed version of myself seemed to be the perfect solution to years of wasted hours in my room listening to Tori and Ani and trying to uncover the mysteries of the human connection. I was now free. That girl was long gone.

And it did work. For a while anyway. For a long while. But not without repurcussions. Where I had once watched Inside the Actor's Studio religiously I now became engulfed in the world of E News. Julia Alvarez, Barbara Kingslover and Toni Morrison were now replaced by an endless supply of fashion magazines and tabloids. and my quest to make myself the best person that I could be was now my quest to be the best looking person that I could be. And I'm not going to lie. It wasn't half bad. For almost 2 years I lived in that world and spent every weekend gallavanting around in my new clothes and my new carefree attitude. and it didn't suck. and it certainly didn't hurt.

But a strange thing happened. one day I woke up and I didn't know who I was. I had actually managed to make 3 wonderful friends in the process but other than that my life was unrecognizable. And i looked in the mirror and not only didn't recognize the person staring back. But I didn't want to know her. She was sad in a different way. Scared in a different way. And I sat on my bed-the bed that has cushioned me from my toddler days until now, and I cried for the loss of myself. And I feared that she was gone for good.

But now she's back. And I do Love her. And I have reconnected with the beautiful people in my life. And now do the things that I truly Love and have found a peace within myself that has been lost for some time. And wept tears of relief when my best friend's grandmother told me that I "had such Love in my eyes." It had been so long.

But how do I stay true to myself and to the person that I want to be without all of the fear and doubt? In the superficial world that I had created nothing mattered enough to me to cause me any pain. But this world is filed with only the precious, only the important, only the invaluable. And it is a heavy load.....

Grateful Livin'
So, as I've mentioned before, I work for a hospice. There are many pretty outstanding things about my job (although some days I don't sound like it) but one of the major perks is that you are constantly reminded of the fragility of life. It's one of those things that you can only fully comprehend the magnitude of when you are faced with the thought of mortality on a daily basis. i know that this sounds morbid, but it's really quite life affirming. And gratitude is an obvious byproduct of the whole journey. Grateful for the under-the-radar pieces of daily life...So, in the spirit of it all and the shitty week that I have had thus far, I have decided to draw my attention to the tiny things that I am grateful for today. I know that a lot of you do this sort of thing and I Love reading them So here goes.....

-the very first sip of my coffee in the morning. I have now taken to the habit of pausing and sitting completely still, eyes closed, as I draw the cup to my lips. It is the first true moment of joy in my day and I feel as though it deserves the tribute of silence. And man is it worth all the drama. Spoken like a true addict I do believe. A proud one at that. I can't wait for tomorrow's sip...

-Wednesday nights. I couldn't express how much I look forward to this weekly gathering in a thousand blogs. What started as a random Wed invite to the Gilbert household over the summer has now turned into the would-die-if-i-missed-it, drive-at-the-speed-of-light-to-get-there-from-working-late, favorite part of my week. I now regretfully open my eyes to the sound of the alarm clock on that dreaded "hump day" and feel a surge of excitement thinking, "what am i excited about today? is something good happening?" And then it hits me-It's Wednesday! Some might think that I am exaggerating Think what you will, cynics! You can't take my wed nights from me. Just go ahead and try.

-Bill the gas station guy. Okay, Nin, you are going to think that I am ripping off your Jimmy the mechanic story here, but i swear on gelato that this is an honest to goodness truth. I stopped for gas today in a rush to get back to work and out comes Bill. Bill isn't the guy who is going to run the company, win the election or cure the rare illness. Some people might think that Bill is the most insignificant part of their day. But today Bill played a huge role in mine. He walked out to greet me in his navy blue "tuxedo" covered in black stains with a huge goofy smile on his face. And it hits me-this man is happy. Not happy enough, not gettin' through the day-but truly happy. And it's not because he has extreme wealth or a glamorous job. While the rest of the world is in a race to be the most successful, to live in the biggest house and to have the most letters after their names, Bill is happy to just be. And he inspires me. And he doesn't even know. And i Love that.

well, my computer time is up so I must continue my list tomorrow....until then....

BlahBlahBlah
So have you ever gotten so damn tired of hearing yourself talk that you just can't utter another word? I mean, the kind of tired where you just want your family and friends to fill every minute of conversation and every inch of space in your overactive brain so that nothing is about you any longer? That's where I'm at. I feel like I've been so preoccupied with myself and my own life situations that I haven't taken even a moment to ask the people around me-the people that have listened to me drone on for months-how their lives are going? So here is my request, even if I don't know you well yet...or know you at all and you've just stumbled upon my blog b/c you didn't feel like doing your am report at work or sat the kids in front of the TV for once b/c you just need a minute to yourself-please tell me all about YOU and what is going on in your lives. I just can't take naother second of my slef absorbed self.

Enough
Well, for those of you that read Friday's blog I have good news. Just when I was obvioulsy at the end of my rope with the man in my life, he rose to the occassion and reminded me of why I fell in Love with him in the first place. Is it perfect? Nope. There's still a ton of questions and I did about 10 loads of laundry last night in an attempt to squash my anxious, racing thoughts . But before I could tell him that I was done being the only working member of this relationship, he blanketed me with his sweet, loving ways and told me that he wanted to put his arms around me and protect me from the world. And call me crazy, but i couldn't say no to that. And one day I may look back and wonder why that was enough to change my mind. But on Saturday morning w/ the first rays of light forcing their way through my blinds as I lay cuddled up in his arms it was enough. The two of us driving to Rockport in our pj's singing harmonies to the radio was enough. His quiet and complete understanding of why I couldn't go to hear him play b/c having dinner w/ my 6 year old nephew was my most important priority on Sat night was enough. Here's to believing in Love being enough....

Tearful Days
So I am sitting in my office with the door shut attempting to care about the piles of paperwork on my desk. But all I can think about is the reality that I have to break up w/ my boyfriend tonight. A boyfriend that many people in my life don't even know that I have b/c of crazy circumstances. A boy that I Love so much that it is literally ripping a hole through my body to think of us not spending lazy saturdays together in bed. A boy that made me rebelieve in fairytales...if only for a little while. But I have to. I've been putting it off for weeks now. Every time I make my mind up to just go ahead and get it overwith, I see him and it's wonderful or we have a good phone conversation. But instincts don't lie. And I know that things are not the same and that it's going horribly wrong. And I'm turning into someone that I never wanted to be-an anxious, mistrusting frightened little girl who doubts herself and plays stupid games. I've worked way too hard on myself over the past six months (hell-27 years!) to turn into her. But my heart is broken and I just want this excruciating pain to go away. I want to drive home, put pajamas on and crawl into bed w/ my David Sedaris book and my DVR of Grey's Anatomy and forget that I have to start over....again....and heal this heart that is already covered in scar tissue. You know, I try to live my life the right way-Love big and take chances on people even when my inner cynic is screaming for me to protect her. And I always do but now I'm getting a little tired.....I wanted to believe in this. In a big beautiful Love story. I wanted to believe that it could really happen to me....and now I'm just left in the wreckage and sneaking off to the bathroom like a crackhead so noone knows that I am falling apart....

Inspired to Find the Good in Myself before the Weekend....

1. what do you think is one of your best qualities?

My belief in Love. No matter how many times I am disappointed or beaten down by my past relationships I always find it within myself to heal and Love again like I have never been hurt. Even though I sometimes wish that my heart would harden to protect herself from pain, I am always proud that I haven't let my past hurt keep me from the possibilty of true Love finding me in the future. (For those of you who read my next post-here's hoping i can continue on like this..... )

2. what physical feature do you love about yourself?

My smile. Its sincerity has the power to change the mood of someone that I Love from apathetic and desperate to one of genuine cheer, including my own. And it comes from a place where i am unable to fake it. If it's there then I am truly enjoying every moment spent with you. And you never have to doubt it. Warning-it is majorly infectious. So beware.

3. why do your friends really enjoy spending time with you?
Hmmm....b/c I have a knack for finding a way to have a great time in the worst of situations, my advice that always helps others but can never seem to help yours truly, my big heart that gets me into trouble all of the time, and most importantly-b/c I have never thought of close friends and family as two separate entities and prioritize my friends at the top without question. And I always will.


4. what is a skill you are very, very good at?

Scrapbooking. not so much b/c i am gifted w/ any artistic ability at all. But b/c you can feel/see the heart and soul in every page and b/c it brings such joy to those whol peruse through its pages.

5. what one gift do you offer this world, that no one else can?

My heart. It Loves really big.

6. why are you such an irreplaceable member of your family?

Well, I think everyone is so this is a tough one for me. I am an only daughter, grandaughter and sister. I am a proud Godmother to two beautiful growing girls and an aunt to my 6 year old nephew who would rather die than be caught dead getting a kiss from his auntie on the T-ball field. But I guess it's really b/c i have known the value of family since a very young age and never took that gift for granted. I am the one who will fill the matriarchial role of "woman of the family" when the next generation passes its torch: organizing b-days and hosting holidays. I only hope that i can make them proud.

7. what color do you love, and how does it personify all the wonderful things about you?

I change this a lot. Right now I would have to say brown. Rich, chocolate brown. With fall clearly underway, i am comforted by its warmth. Almost like a bear hug from someone that Loves you more than anyone else in the world. It feels like the first breath of heat when you walk into your home from a cold blustery afternoon of work or errands. It makes me feel safe. And that's where I'm at right now.

8. what is your favorite piece of clothing, and why does it make you feel so good?

I Love fashion. Some friends fault me for it b/c it appears to go against my anti-materialism outlook on life. But I think it is an extension of your personality. I can express my mood or state of mind simply by picking a different pair of earrings. That being said, accessories are my thing. I am in awe of their abilty to change the entire feel of an outfit, not to mention the person wearing them. And it intrigues me that they are usually the smallest pieces but they speak the loudest words. It inspires me. And although I Love them all, I guess my turqoise and gold dangles that look sort of like a 70's beaded hanging closet door are my fav. They make me feel feminine and funky. Pure happiness on a hook.


9. what is something you have done or given to someone else, that you think is truly amazing?

My favorite accomplishment as of yet was taking part in the wedding of my two closest friends in the universe this June. Not only was I able to stand up in support of one of the best couples that I know (Nina, you and John are in this category too. Man, I Love your Love.) but i was able to sing for their Mass and give their toast. What an honor. I've never felt luckier. It was the best day of my life!

10. what loving gift can you give to yourself today? {make sure you do...you deserve it!}

A calm heart. I haven't been truly calm in over a month. I'm exhausted w/ its rapid beating.

Reasons for Smiling

So I'm definitely having one of those days where it's really difficult to keep perspective. Where every little trauma that happens is larger than life and all-consuming. And just when I'm running out of reasons to keep the tears secured tightly within my eye sockets I find this picture. You see, I have had the same 3 friends since 1st grade-21 years to be exact. But life takes you far away both in distance and daily routine. But this gift that life or fate or God or whoever has given to me is my most precious possession. This pic is missing one of us, but I Love it nonetheless. It is from a night last November when life wasn't going particularly well for yours truly. But Janessa was home from LA and that in itself calls for a celebration. And this is simply us being silly. Being in love with eachother as only old girlfriends can be. Ness called me this weekend over and over without leaving a message and when I frantically called her back, all sorts of emergencies were running through my overactive brain. She answered in tears and i wondered which of these tragic scenarios had come true. I awaited the bad news from this woman who is so much a part of me that I honestly don't know where she and I begin and end....."I just wanted to call and tell you how much I Love you and how lucky I feel that we are all still friends. Nobody has old friends like us. I don't know what I would do without you guys." Ahhh...A life worth living. We're lucky too Ness. Maybe the luckiest.

Insecure Ramblings
Well here it is. My very first blog. I'm behind the times to say the least. I often say that I was born in the wrong time...technological advances aren't really my thing. But here I am. My friend Nina inspired me (as she so often does to those who are fortunate enough to be in her world) to put myself up here and exploit my sometimes over-the-top attempts at living my life the right way. And by the right way I mean without all of the garbage that doesn't mean a damn on your last day here (I work for a hospice. can you tell?) and full of the people and things that I Love. Sometimes it goes well. Sometimes not so much. But i'm still trucking along with the rest of you. With a really good soundtrack playing in the background.....