Tearful Days
So I am sitting in my office with the door shut attempting to care about the piles of paperwork on my desk. But all I can think about is the reality that I have to break up w/ my boyfriend tonight. A boyfriend that many people in my life don't even know that I have b/c of crazy circumstances. A boy that I Love so much that it is literally ripping a hole through my body to think of us not spending lazy saturdays together in bed. A boy that made me rebelieve in fairytales...if only for a little while. But I have to. I've been putting it off for weeks now. Every time I make my mind up to just go ahead and get it overwith, I see him and it's wonderful or we have a good phone conversation. But instincts don't lie. And I know that things are not the same and that it's going horribly wrong. And I'm turning into someone that I never wanted to be-an anxious, mistrusting frightened little girl who doubts herself and plays stupid games. I've worked way too hard on myself over the past six months (hell-27 years!) to turn into her. But my heart is broken and I just want this excruciating pain to go away. I want to drive home, put pajamas on and crawl into bed w/ my David Sedaris book and my DVR of Grey's Anatomy and forget that I have to start over....again....and heal this heart that is already covered in scar tissue. You know, I try to live my life the right way-Love big and take chances on people even when my inner cynic is screaming for me to protect her. And I always do but now I'm getting a little tired.....I wanted to believe in this. In a big beautiful Love story. I wanted to believe that it could really happen to me....and now I'm just left in the wreckage and sneaking off to the bathroom like a crackhead so noone knows that I am falling apart....