You think too much

This is what my boyfriend accused me of the other day when I was trying to talk to him about our relationship. And it got me thinking-I certainly know that I am not "normal." And right now I really want to be. I am so tired of feeling this creeping anxious feeling like I have no control over anything. I am so tired of being prisoner to this fear that makes itself at home in my chest. I try so hard to keep perspective. To focus on tasks. To remember that nothing is that big or that scary or that important. I try to bring myself to a place of calm and comfort in a world that is so much larger than me . To remind myself that my life is just not that serious and that no matter what happens I will be okay. And my rational side knows this. My brain has the complete capacity to know that i will always land on my feet. That i will always find my way. That Love always finds me and holds me close in the way that I need even if it's not in the way that I might want. And that no one person, place or thing defines me. But my heart is paralyzed with fear. Fear of being alone and not having my Love returned. Fear of change and heartbreak. And I know that everyone has these fears. They are human after all. But i don't think that their ferocity is normal. Their stifling control over me. And I'm tired of feeling like this. And I refuse to believe that i cannot reach a place of peace without a little pill. I know that many people need this and I am certainly not anti-medecine. But I just can't beileve that true faith in myself can be found in a prescription bottle. There has to be another way.

But I guess that I really can't win. When my only real adult looking-to-the-future relationship first came to an end shortly after my 24th birthday I made a decision. I was not going to break apart like I had in the past. I was not going to turn into that introspective, journal writing, soul searching girl who wore her heart on her sleeve and thought everything to death. If other people could get over things with ease and fill their nights w/shallow conversation and bottles of vodka so could I. I am a fun girl after all. I Love to laugh, party and dress myself up in pretty little things. After all, why did life have to be so damn meaningful? Why had I chosen to live this way when i could be thought-free and simple and vain? This new bar-hopping, apearance obsessed version of myself seemed to be the perfect solution to years of wasted hours in my room listening to Tori and Ani and trying to uncover the mysteries of the human connection. I was now free. That girl was long gone.

And it did work. For a while anyway. For a long while. But not without repurcussions. Where I had once watched Inside the Actor's Studio religiously I now became engulfed in the world of E News. Julia Alvarez, Barbara Kingslover and Toni Morrison were now replaced by an endless supply of fashion magazines and tabloids. and my quest to make myself the best person that I could be was now my quest to be the best looking person that I could be. And I'm not going to lie. It wasn't half bad. For almost 2 years I lived in that world and spent every weekend gallavanting around in my new clothes and my new carefree attitude. and it didn't suck. and it certainly didn't hurt.

But a strange thing happened. one day I woke up and I didn't know who I was. I had actually managed to make 3 wonderful friends in the process but other than that my life was unrecognizable. And i looked in the mirror and not only didn't recognize the person staring back. But I didn't want to know her. She was sad in a different way. Scared in a different way. And I sat on my bed-the bed that has cushioned me from my toddler days until now, and I cried for the loss of myself. And I feared that she was gone for good.

But now she's back. And I do Love her. And I have reconnected with the beautiful people in my life. And now do the things that I truly Love and have found a peace within myself that has been lost for some time. And wept tears of relief when my best friend's grandmother told me that I "had such Love in my eyes." It had been so long.

But how do I stay true to myself and to the person that I want to be without all of the fear and doubt? In the superficial world that I had created nothing mattered enough to me to cause me any pain. But this world is filed with only the precious, only the important, only the invaluable. And it is a heavy load.....