Mixed Emotions
So I am regretful today. I should have blogged about my Thanksgiving before now because it was fabulous. Wednesday night my friends and i delivered turkeys and boxes overflowing with food to some families in need. We have been doing this for about 10 of the past 13 years but this was by far my best experience! We delivered to 5 families and were greeted with tears, huge hugs and more "God bless you's" than we knew what to do with. This night defined the holiday for me. And it was so inspiring to see so many young families starting this tradition with their children. All is not lost my friends. There is hope for our generation. We are not only about technology and materialism. We are still filled with Love and humanity. I saw it with my own eyes.

Thanksgiving itself was brimming with family and more food than we could eat-as usual. i had already made 3 stops by 8 pm and only called it quits because of the impending work day. There were children everywhere. I must have answered to a million "Auntie?!" requests. "Auntie can you do my ballet video with me? Anuntie, can I sit w/ you at dessert? Auntie, can you read this book to me?" i was in my glory! And then on Sat I took my 6 year old nephew to see Happy Feet. We held hands and tap danced our way through the parking lot afterwards and I was literally bursting with joy. It is nearly impossible to feel bad about oneself when a child looks at you with such Love and faith in his/her eyes. I am just in awe of their ability to Love. They are such a gift to me. Lucky lucky lucky am I.

Friday night was perfect as well. A lazy night of leftovers (yummy torte!), scrabble and Christmas movies at the Gilbert household. it was exactly the low key evening that I was craving. Even though I drove John and Kevin crazy with my blatant lack of effort during scrabble. Sorry guys.... i'll try harder next time.

So all in all it was a beautiful holiday. Thank God b/c the weekend took a horrible turn after that....

i have blogged about my relationship here many times. Some good/Some bad. Like any relationship. But we have not spoken since sunday afternoon and i do believe that this is the end of our road for now at least. He was so hurtful and cruel to me and i just don't think that I can give any more of myself to him. I believe that he Loves me very much and I Love him more than I could ever put into words here. But he is so confused and tormented and his road is clearly forking. And I am just so settled and secure in myself and in what I want/need out of my life. it has taken me a long long time to get here. And I believe that he is just young and needs to find his way far far from me. And it breaks my heart into a million pieces b/c i haven't loved someone this much in years...maybe ever...but I can't give anymore of myself to him without ripping myself apart. i can't cry anymore and I don't want to. He hasn't called me since Sunday either so maybe he is done as well. That would actually be a blessing of sorts to me since i find it so difficult to walk away from Love even when I clearly should.

If our prayers were always granted I would ask that he would figure his life out on his own and that we would find eachother again someday and be ready to Love eachother the right way. But i know better than that. So instead I pray for healing. i pray that my heart doesn't hold onto this pain too tightly or for too long and make a new scar. i pray that i don't blame myself completely for yet another failed relationship. That i can keep my focus on all of the outstanding people in my life that do Love me and not the ones that don't. That Love will enfold its arms around me and hold me close-and that I someone wonderful will finally find me and really Love me for me. And I pray the he finds peace within himself and that he eventually sees how much I truly Love him. man, those are quite a lot of requests huh? Well if anyone has any extra prayers floating around out there, can you please send them my way? I could use a few extra right now....

And thank you for this great place where I can share my innermost feelings and fears. It is truly healing....