Putting it Back Together
Hello Wednesday. i am taking a necessary break from my loooong workday to stop in and say hello. I have made a new commitment to this job. I know that i say that every other day at this point but I really am trying. I also need to get my act together and finish my Emmerson application and sign up for those damn GRE's. I am avoiding those like the plague. i do well on those kind of tests but I despise them! So unecessary.

i am feeling much better today. Keeping things together on the outside and hoping that the inside will catch up soon. My therapist is worried that I will try to get over it to fast and not mourn properly but I just can't sit here and cry anymore. What's done is done. He called me today and wants to "talk" but I'm just too tired of the drama. i'm looking for happiness, baby. Nothing more and nothing less. And it's just not here. Not in my line of sight anyway.

So what I've decided to do today to keep perspective is post this pic of one of my most favorite moments. Since Janessa had her sister as her maid of honor, she blessed me with a few very special tasks to make me feel special: cantoring mass, giving their toast and putting on her garter. This garter also has special meaning to us both b/c it belongs to Bren's aunt who has played such a huge role in all 3 of our lives over the years. It was such a wildly cool experience- placing this garter from someone that Loves us both so much onto her leg and looking up into this face that i have been Loving since I was 6 years old! Life surely is a cycle. Challenging yet beautiful. Joyous yet painful. No one would argue that it is all easy or that every day feels worth geting out of bed for. But i'll take my chances for moments like that...

Mixed Emotions
So I am regretful today. I should have blogged about my Thanksgiving before now because it was fabulous. Wednesday night my friends and i delivered turkeys and boxes overflowing with food to some families in need. We have been doing this for about 10 of the past 13 years but this was by far my best experience! We delivered to 5 families and were greeted with tears, huge hugs and more "God bless you's" than we knew what to do with. This night defined the holiday for me. And it was so inspiring to see so many young families starting this tradition with their children. All is not lost my friends. There is hope for our generation. We are not only about technology and materialism. We are still filled with Love and humanity. I saw it with my own eyes.

Thanksgiving itself was brimming with family and more food than we could eat-as usual. i had already made 3 stops by 8 pm and only called it quits because of the impending work day. There were children everywhere. I must have answered to a million "Auntie?!" requests. "Auntie can you do my ballet video with me? Anuntie, can I sit w/ you at dessert? Auntie, can you read this book to me?" i was in my glory! And then on Sat I took my 6 year old nephew to see Happy Feet. We held hands and tap danced our way through the parking lot afterwards and I was literally bursting with joy. It is nearly impossible to feel bad about oneself when a child looks at you with such Love and faith in his/her eyes. I am just in awe of their ability to Love. They are such a gift to me. Lucky lucky lucky am I.

Friday night was perfect as well. A lazy night of leftovers (yummy torte!), scrabble and Christmas movies at the Gilbert household. it was exactly the low key evening that I was craving. Even though I drove John and Kevin crazy with my blatant lack of effort during scrabble. Sorry guys.... i'll try harder next time.

So all in all it was a beautiful holiday. Thank God b/c the weekend took a horrible turn after that....

i have blogged about my relationship here many times. Some good/Some bad. Like any relationship. But we have not spoken since sunday afternoon and i do believe that this is the end of our road for now at least. He was so hurtful and cruel to me and i just don't think that I can give any more of myself to him. I believe that he Loves me very much and I Love him more than I could ever put into words here. But he is so confused and tormented and his road is clearly forking. And I am just so settled and secure in myself and in what I want/need out of my life. it has taken me a long long time to get here. And I believe that he is just young and needs to find his way far far from me. And it breaks my heart into a million pieces b/c i haven't loved someone this much in years...maybe ever...but I can't give anymore of myself to him without ripping myself apart. i can't cry anymore and I don't want to. He hasn't called me since Sunday either so maybe he is done as well. That would actually be a blessing of sorts to me since i find it so difficult to walk away from Love even when I clearly should.

If our prayers were always granted I would ask that he would figure his life out on his own and that we would find eachother again someday and be ready to Love eachother the right way. But i know better than that. So instead I pray for healing. i pray that my heart doesn't hold onto this pain too tightly or for too long and make a new scar. i pray that i don't blame myself completely for yet another failed relationship. That i can keep my focus on all of the outstanding people in my life that do Love me and not the ones that don't. That Love will enfold its arms around me and hold me close-and that I someone wonderful will finally find me and really Love me for me. And I pray the he finds peace within himself and that he eventually sees how much I truly Love him. man, those are quite a lot of requests huh? Well if anyone has any extra prayers floating around out there, can you please send them my way? I could use a few extra right now....

And thank you for this great place where I can share my innermost feelings and fears. It is truly healing....

Call me Mrs. Claus
Well here it is again...holiday time. So many of you have already started blogging about my absolute favorite time of year so I figured that I would jump right on your sleigh myself. I am such a holiday nerd (self-proclaimed...there's no shame here folks) that I am usually greeted w/ rolling eyes when I come on the scene during this time of year. My roomate wants to kill me b/c I decorate everything in sight and Christmas music has already been playing in my car/office for 2 weeks. I'm one of those people that enjoys the mall at Christmas. Truthfully. That's me. I believe in its magic. Its goodness. Its power to ignite hope and faith and love in our hearts. i am saddened that it is lost to so many and I feel grateful that the fire still burns in me so strongly.

These pics are of my sweet friend and I desperately searching for signs of Christmas in LA. When we found this tree in an outdoor mall we practically assaulted our fellow shoppers to take our picture in front of it. It's pretty clear that we are in our own private heaven. With her being so far away we have developed our own ways to cope with the distance (aka Pre-Thanksgiving Dinner, nightly phone calls, over-priced flights) but not being together during the Christmas Season is something that we still can't really come to terms with. She and I have been in Love with Christmas together for as long as I can remember. Since I was 6 years old we have watched all of our favorite holiday movies together, sipping steaming mugs of hot chocolate with big clouds of fluff perched on top. We scheduled our family tree decorating on separate nights so that we cuold be present at both and drive our parents insane together. We even made our own Christmas music video collection in 7th grade which we watch (much to the chagrin of our family and friends) every year and started carolling w/ friends door to door as we got older and realized that singing wasn't just a hobby for us. Our Christmas Season is magical and beautiful and full of Love. We've never given in to the hype and the stress and the money.

But now it's harder b/c she is far away. I absolutely adore my friends and family. Don't get me wrong. It would be fair to say that I am literally the luckiest person in the world in that department. But there's just something missing without her. And we do try to stuff it into the few days that she is home, but it's just not the same. I guess it will just make it all the more special when she is back for good.

until then my fellow bloggers, welcome to the holiday season. May we all have a sweet journey, free from all of the materialism and anxiety that now accompanies this special time...

So Cal part 2 (of many more)
These are the pics from our gorgeous afternoon at El Matador Beach. I'm confident in saying that I've never seen anything so beautiful. Even the scary scrawny nude man perched on the rock couldn't wear down the magic of this place. So incredibly lovely....to anyone who thinks I'm crazy for wanting to get married at the ocean instead of a church-there's no way that you can tell me that God doesn't live there. No way....I'm confident in saying that I think it's His home base.

So here it is again-another Monday. I hadn't even processed my LA trip yet before I was off to NYC for the weekend. We'll get to that adventure eventually....I got home last night around 1am and it feels both great and deeply sad to be home for good. I've got a weird thing going on with me these days. I'm feeling that intense urge to uproot and start over in a new location for awhile. I think it's also known as "running away." I've been indulging it a quite a bit lately and I'm not sure if it's doing more harm than good to my emotions. I haven't really stood still long enough to make any honest decisions. Maybe that's why I'm so scared to be home. It's too real here.

So Cal Rules part 1

So I just got back from LA tuesday night and I am still riding the wave of happiness and relaxation. There are no words for how wonderful the whole experience was. As if spending 4 1/2 uninterrupted days with my two best buds wasn't enough I got to do it in LA. I may write about it forever so bear with me.

Ness and i causing a scene at the Hollywood Hills

I also took lots and lots of pics while I was there and Ness amde me a CD of a ton of old pics that I've been craving. So I will be filling these blogs with many photos soon enough. this one is worth
putting up even though i can't rotate it. We had just figured out how to use the self timer and drove around the city taking pictures of ourselves anywhere and everywhere. The best part is that we were blaring Christmas music out her '92 Ford Festiva while angry tourists stared at us w/ disdain. God it felt so great to just be silly with her. Okay, that's all the time that Ia hve now. Stay tuned for much much more. And I can't wait to catch up with everyone's blogs. I've been having withdrawals.

Brendan and I at last year's Pre-Thanksgiving dinner
Thoughts for Today
Hello Tuesday. Here we all are. Today is a one of those days where I am battling with myself. Fighting against the anxiety that is stirring within me. these thoughts that threaten to take over my calm self assurance and turn me into fear-ridden shaking child. But I am winning the battle. I refused to take my ambien last night and actually managed to get about 5-6 hours of sleep. Very good for yours truly on days like this. One step for little old me.

I am feeling very needed lately and that makes me feel alive. I have been the needy one for months now and after demanding attention and support from my loved ones for what feels like an eternity it feels so invigorating to be the one that people are calling on for support, guidance and Love. My friend Brendan called me last night. He is the type of person that never wants to drop his strong happy facade. And when he does you feel honored to have been invited into his melancholy. It has been years since I have gotten a call like that from him. That was our MO for a long time but friendships change and we look to different people to fill the old roles. But last night we were us again. And it felt wonderful to remind him that sad is okay today. Natural, normal and sometimes soothing. And he listened. And i can only hope that i did some good.

Other than that just trying to make it through the work day without resigning. And so it goes....

Is it Monday Already?
That was my first thought as I opened my eyes this morning. After another whirlwind of a weekend I can't believe that it's time to start the work-week again. Can't believe it. And as much as I'm trying to find meaning in this hateful job of mine I just can't seem to keep the momentum. And I really am trying. I swear. I'm not used to being this crazy negative about something. But I wake up with that dreaded "I can't beileve that I have to go there again today" feeling in my stomach. It's poisoning me. I'm becoming one of those I-hate-Sunday-night people that I used to pity. Thank God it's not forever, right?

But I would much rather talk about my fabulous friend/family filled weekend. Friday night was a fabulous b-day party for my homosexual boyfriend (and his boyfriend actually...ironic) at the Golden Temple in Brookline. The sweetest beef teriyaki that I've ever tasted and yummy spicy pad thai. good eats, good peeps, good dancing. Then I picked up my boy and drove home in 2 hours of accident-ridden traffic. I did my best not to freak out thinking "you could live in an impoverished country. you could be in the accident. you could be sick and confined to your bed." It woked for awhile at least. and when I pulled into the driveway and he was sweetly sleeping in the passenger's seat i couldn't help but smile at my life. And awaken him with cheek kisses.

We spent a lazy Saturday in bed until about 2. It was heaven. As the all too familiar doubt crept into my heart like it does day after day he turned to me out of nowhere and said "i could do this every minute for the rest of my life." Just shower, lay here with you and then lay here some more tomorrow." Sometimes we really do get what we need. Then some yummy panera goodness. Sat night some friends and I went to see him play at some shady bar and danced to the cheesy cover songs while the drunk frat/sorority peeps made out with eachoether all around us. We finished the night off by traipsing barefoot (i still have no regrets. My heels were killing me!) through Boston and binge eating wings at this local dive called Adam's. Finger lickin' good-literally.

Slept on a friend's couch (did i mention that i had a few glasses of vino while dancing to said cheesy music?) and woke to a delicious homemade breakfast feast and good catch-up chatter with her fam. Stayed in our pj's until way past noon. Guilty, lazy fun. got dressed and went to my aunt's house to spend some QT with my cousin home from college (how is she so old? I remember when she came home from the hospital) and finished the evening at my bro's house at some jewelry party that my sister-in-law suckered me into. Actually had a great time and may try to work for them while I go back to school. Then built some cool lego-ish buildings with my nephew. legos have come a long way man.

So that was the weekend. Can't complain that's for sure. Just have to hope it keeps me going through this work week. Chugchugchug...

I Get it Now-Thursdays are for Love
Okay, so I think that I'm finally cathing on to this Thursday list thing. I really want to get on board with the theme posts but alas my digi camera has gone to the land of the lost. But this theme I can do camera-free. So here goes

-Wednesday night-Arriving early enough to hug and kiss the kiddies. Nin's french onion soup. So delicious and warm and filling. Just like her home. A lovely conversation with my old dear friend that just goes to show that life is not always going perfectly but that we can embrace it and let it take us somewhere that we need to be. It is okay to feel off. It is okay to question and doubt. That is the ying to Love's yang. All that matters is having a friend to hold you still when the waters are rushing in. I'm honored to be those arms.

-Feeling inspired by work for the first time in months. i finally feel like this is where I need to be for now. Not forever. But that's okay. life has brought me here and i have to stop fighting it and just see where it takes me. it feels great to be at peace with that after months of turmoil.

-My CD's that Shauna has made for me. One "old school" with songs that each remind me of a different place and time in our 21 year friendship. What a great ride it's been too. So many laughs. every new track makes me smile with a great memory. And the second CD of just plain old good tunes. Nothing makes me happy like a good mix CD...well, except for good food....

- My upcoming travels. I am usually such a homebody. Traveling is jsust not really for me. I'm very content in my town having a sweet lazy life with the people that I Love. Unfortunately a large amount of said people live far from me. So next week I am off to LA to visit the Murphys (still weird to write) and then I am back for 2 days and then off to NYC to visit the girls in our old stomping ground. I am so excited for these adventures. And then it will be holiday time which I absolutey adore. I think a little time away from home will do me some major good.

-My new therapist. i was so afraid to take that step and actually make the appointment. But I Love it! It is just what I needed to clear my head. Every time I get overwhelmed or feel anxious I just think-don't worry-you can talk about it later with Linda. And I put it to bed. Why did I wait so long? Lesson learned. Everyone should go. So liberating.

Happy thursday everyone. I hope it finds you all happy, healthy and smiling.



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Inspired is the Word of the Day
After a previous week filled with self doubt, immense loss of hope and an overwhelming feeling that a "black cloud" was following me-in true winnie the pooh fashion let me tell you-it feels so outstanding to have had a day like today. I went to my first Hospice Conference today and although I was signed up for 3 workshops that focused on the "task at hand" (I'm into quotations today so I'm going with it) my friend and I slyly ditched the dry, technical lectures and snuck in to the "touchy feely" (this is not my quote-a coworker actually said this with disdain) seminars because that is where my heart was leading me. And why am I working for hospice if I can't follow the all-knowing guidance of my heart? So I did. And they were remarkable. I learned so much about myself, the human spirit and living up until the very last breath. I feel rejuvenated. Invigorated. All the "ateds." What a great day at work!

And then I came home and spent a little QT with my DVR. She is a true friend. Never fails me. Straight up goodness. And I decided to catch up on my Inside the Actors Studio. Now, Angelina Jolie has never been an inspiration to me before. I am usually quite disgusted with celebrities in general. Especially homewrecking celebrities. But as an actress who Loves not just the performace but the craft, I have to give credit where credit is due. As I look to my future as a theatre educator, I can only hope to have students as gifted, vulnerable and accessible as this young woman. She makes me proud to be an actress. Proud to devote my future to the Arts. Proud to call the theatre my home.

So that's what inspires me today. Risk taking. Falling in Love with life. Strengthening through adversity. Following one's passions. And I haven't even had Wed night at Nina's yet....what a day....