Ho Hum
"There are no shortcuts in life or Love. This pain must be felt. The alternative is much worse. It's what makes us special. What makes us beautiful. What makes us worthy. The pain of how we Love. But that pain is accompanied by something else, isn't it? Hope. With your pain there is hope. And that is where you are. Somewhere between agony and optimism and prayer. So, you're human. You're alive. And that's what we have."

Once again I feel lost to find my own words. I'm searching each and every day for a glimmer of something to believe in. That sounds so dramatic and I don't mean to be that severe about my life. It's a good life. A great one actually. With much to be grateful for. And I know that. I know that with extreme clarity. That's not what this is about. I'm just lost. And sad. And I hate it. I hate being this kind of person who feels negative and empty and focuses on what I don't have. And I'm trying to get out of this rut. I really truly am. But sometimes I just have to look around and ask "why not me?" Really, why not? Why everyone alse and not me? That's all I can think of today. No matter how much I try to be thankful for what I've got. I just can't help but feel so deeply sad. God, I can't wait for spring....I think I'll be okay then...

Signs of Spring
I am feeling so powerful and energetic today. I honestly feel like I could take on the world. My life feels full of possibility and all of my dreams feel attainable. I wonder if I've had too much caffeine? Who cares? It feels great. I think that I am officialy out of my mourning period. Not to say that I am not sad. I am and the thought of dating anyone else makes me physically ill. But I am starting to embrace my free time and take notice of all the Love I have in my life. It feels like springtime inside of me! Even amidst all of this snow...

Have a beautiful rest of the week everyone.

Back to the Gratitude
So after a miserable day filled with snow and forced reminders of my recent break-up, I am now back to old self again. I had given myself permission to be a Debbie-Downer yesterday without guilt and I think that it worked. Today I awoke feeling refreshed and my usual glass-half-full self again. Sometimes it's healthy to just give in to the negativity and then be done with it. Like a craving for chinese food. You know that it's not the healthiset choice but if you don't let yourself have it once in awhile you will never stop thinking about it.

So on to the positivity...since Thursdays are for gratitude after all.

-The delicious pita chips and spinach and artichoke hummus that my sweet pal Melissa just suprised me with at my desk b/c she overheard me saying that I was hungry. A shout out to being thoughtful.

-Getting to and from work safely the past few days. There were some scary moments and I came dangeroulsy close to a guardrail. Snow may be pretty but man oh man....

-My wonderful volunteers who never fail to amaze me with heir willingness to share their lives, hearts and time with others. You are an inspiration and you make me look forward to work for the first time in months.

- the upcoming long weekend with NO PLANS! That sooo never happens! I Love waiting to see what fills the days!

-our neighborhood mechanic who went out of his way so that I could park my car in his garage when I had nowhere to keep my car last night. It is so easy to forget that there are kind people out there.

-Everyone who sent me Valentine lovin' yesterday b/c they knew that I was a wee bit sad.

There are a million other things that could make this list but I need to shut down my computer. Happy Thursday everybody!

Weekend Recap
Well it's Monday and I'm trying to motivate myself to get ready for my crazy work day. Crazy in a good way though. I'm running my second session of my new training class with 7 compassionate interesting people. So few people have a job where they meet only giving lovely poeple. The very nature of running a volunteer program means that my clients are kind and generous and compassionate. I can't complain about that. That's for sure.

So my weekend was a great combination of relaxing and productive. Friday night I enjoyed an inpromptu gelato gathering at my parent's house with my brother, sister-in-law and nephew. Against my belief system, he and I ran around the house hiding and shooting one another with toy guns. He's seven and barely ever wants to play with me anymore. you take it where you can get it, folks. Met a friend at Borders before close and became engrossed in those tragic yet incredible Pst Card coffe table books. It was like a car crash. We finished the night with a 10:10 cheesy romance movie-Catch and Release. Perfectly mindless. And I Loved it.

Saturday I murphy oiled soaped, swept, laid rugs down, chopped and grated fresh vegetables and rolled my very first meatballs. I was glowing with domesticity. Finished the night at Kevin's party in Cambridge with the Gilberts. A few funny awkward moments and appetizer stress but also good conversation and incredible decor. I'm obsessed with decorating my apartment. Plus, a host in drag is my favorite kind of host.

Sunday b-day brunch for my nana's b-day with the whole fam. Delicious and 5 hrs of great family talk. Announcements of my cousin's new baby, Loving that my 81 year old grandmother is making homemade props for her elders theatre group-she is outstanding-and talk of a renting a cousin's beach house this summer....finished the evening with a trip to target (I freakin Love target!)-new trendy spice rack and asian inspired tea set, great bohemian summer dress, and new regina spektor CD-and more work on the new place with my roomie. It finally looks like areal house. A badly decorated house but a house none-the less.

All in all a lovely weekend. No complaints here. Have a great Monday everyone.

Search Lights
There come certain times in my life when I can no longer guide myself. Things get too muddled and everything is moving too quickly. I'm lucky to make it through the day, let alone uncover the mysteries of why my life is the way that it is. So it is during these times that I look to the wise words of others to be my guide posts-my lighthouses visible from the deep ocean-to keep me following the journey that I was menat to follow. And now is one of those times, my friends. Amidst the rubble of newfound heartbreak, my mother's mysterious and frightening illness, the busiest work schedule that I have ever had and a new apartment-I am searching for a navigator. Or maybe a narrator for that matter...

And as always, I look not to the great scholars or religios leaders-but to my passionate core-the artists: song lyrics, poems, screen writers. In my opinion that is where the most honest words of the human condition can be found. In this specific case a scene from Grey's Anatomy-my favorite show to say the least. i was obcessively watching it yesterday on DVD (I'm insane when I Love a show) and this scene reminded me that even when people are hurting us and pulling us in a million directions and we are tempted to shut everyone out and stop Loving because we have no more to give or lose to another-it is what life is about. It is where the true beauty is found. I needed that reminder.

At some point you have to make a decision.
Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in.
Life is messy. That's how we're made.
So, you can waste your life drawing lines
or you can live your life crossing them...
Here's what I know: if you're willing to take the chance,
the view from the other side is spectacular.

I don't know if you needed them as much as I did, but I hope you enjoy them....

Friday Optimism
Thank God it's the weekend. I will not be sad to say goodbye to this week. that's for damn sure. Not that there were not great moments. Work is going really well for the first time. My job is finally starting to be the job that i interviewed for. It only took 6 months! Wednesday night was full of my favorite meal, glasses of white wine, gelato, kisses from Gracie, hugs from my life saving friend and wonderful conversation. ..as usual. Once again, going through this break-up, I am reminded of the incredible network of friends that surround me. Even when my heart is broken I can honestly say that I never once felt alone. A big 'ole thank you to the universe for these relationships. i am so very lucky.

And more good news. the boy called yesterday after he read the email. He was so thankful and lovely. It reminded me of why i took the crazy chance Loving him in the first place. I knew that I wasn't wrong. We talked and apolagized to eachother for the hurtful things that we said or did. It was so not the point. And we softly and sadly agreed that even though we Loved eachother so much our age differnce was forcing us in two seprate directions right now and fighting it was only going to make it worse. It was simultaneously the most wonderful/saddest conversation that I have ever had. and because he and I are still so in Love with one another I don't think it's healthy to stay friends or talk on a regular basis. And then he said the 2 sweetest things: "Can we write letters to eachother?" and "Maybe life will give us another chance someday." My heart broke 1,000 more times...

But all in all I'm good. I am desperately trying to have faith in the ultimate plan of a much higher power than myself. I am trying to keep him in my heart while I let him go in my life. If we are supposed to be together in the future life will put us back together, right? It certainly suprised us by doing it in the first place. I've just got to believe that my life will continue on the path that it is supposed to be on. And all I can do is continue growing, Loving and doing the absolute best that I can with what i am given.

Closure with a Capital C
So, I fought with myself over whether to post this email that I sent to ex-man this morning. i'm still not completely secure with my decision to share this woth the world. Or the blogger world. But something in me really needed to put it out there. It took so much out of me and in my paper-journaling days I would've pasted it into its pages, so I figured that I would follow my instincts. they're all we've got after all....

So I was crying (again) in my car this morning thinking about how i was going to handle seeing him in a few months at a mutual family function. Hopefully by then I will feel better. Okay, i know that I will feel better...but you know what I mean. And it just keeps killing me that this great relationship, for all its faults, ended on this note where we cannot even speak to eachother and where we both are pretending (or i hope he's pretending) not to give damn that it's over. And I realized that that is the root of my sadness. So I decided in the car that I was going to take control. If I have learned nothing else in my 27 year journey through relationships and friendships it is that you need to make your own closure and your own healing. No one can do that for you. So I decided to write him this email. Even if he never responds I feel better knowing that I was honest. And on my terms. And, even though I'm hurting, I can live with that.

So, my friends...that's that. I followed my heart from start to finish. I think that that's all we can do...