Isn't Life Grand
Hello blog world. I am back from a little blog-free hiatus of sorts. I was pretty sure that I didn't want to be alone with my thoughts last week so i took a little vacation from my brain. But now I feel rested and ready to blahblahblah myself all over this blog of mine...
So on this Monday afternoon i am still reeling from a fabulous weekend of friendship, family and Love-filled celebration. All of which of course were centered around food. And so goes my life.....my two bestest friends were home from Cali for a wedding and we sqeezed as much QT into Sunday as we possibly could. 10:30 breakfast at Ness' mom's house-aka my other childhood home- with Ness, Bren, Shauna, Erin and her wonderful boyfriend who fits in like he's known us forever (which is no small task since we all have 20+ years of private jokes under our belts), Ritchie, myself and everyone's sweet little doggies. it was a loud zoo of laughter and fast paced conversation as we all tried to catch up on a month's worth of life in an hour and a half while still trying to shovel as much delicious french toast and scrambled eggs into our mouths as possible. The morning culminated with a splinter in my upper lip from a fruit-clad toothpick and icing it w/ a grape for 2o minutes. Nothing like old friends to laugh at (and photograph) your goofiest moments.....
i ran straight home to make a pumpkin pie (could I be more obsessed with pumpkin?) and was (per usual) 15 minutes late for our 2nd annual pre-Thanksgiving dinner (since they can't be home for the official holday) at Bren's mom's house (another childhood haven). The final head-count was 27 as we passed out steaming soup and glasses of wine to tables upon tables of family and friends. Seven hours of turkey, stuffing, squash, mashed potatoes and John Denver and the Muppet's Christmas CD playing in the background.....it just goes to show that the holidays truly have nothing to do with the day itself but the vibe and the people-because anyone there would've told you that it was the best Thanksgiving Day ever. God I Love the people in that house. I wish everyone could feel that kind of togetherness. And I didn't share blood or genes with one person there. Chosen family. it's a beautiful thing.
And then there's my last thank you of the day. I spent a beautiful weekend with my man. Since few know about our relationship it can be a very overwhelming situation-the hiding can really get to me. But yesterday was perfect. We are mastering the art of subtle romantic gestures. Where the other couples were able to publicly hold hands or wrap their arms around eachother we have to settle for a knowing smile or a private joke cleverly placed in a conversation with others. And although he expressed his frustration with these restrictions on our ride home, I have made a certain peace with it all at the moment. We have had such struggles to stay together over these past 4 months for so many reasons and here we are. Not because it's easy or convenient or comfortable. It's actually the most challenging relationship that I have ever even thought of being a part of. And it's inconvenient and messy and makes my life much more work than it would be if I were alone. And sometimes that makes me want to leave and go back to my simple independence where no one can hurt me and everything goes smoothly in my solitude. But then we get to steal a quick moment-a random trip to the bathroom finds us in an isolated hallway with 30 seconds of uninterrupted time. And I curl up against him, warm and safe and quiet, his arms envelope me and I press my head to his familiar chest- a chest that I never dreamed in a million years would be my pillow-and we just breathe...in and out in and out....and the world is still and calm. And my heart is at ease. Perfection. And I just want to say thank you.
Monday, October 30, 2006
Friday, October 20, 2006
You think too much
This is what my boyfriend accused me of the other day when I was trying to talk to him about our relationship. And it got me thinking-I certainly know that I am not "normal." And right now I really want to be. I am so tired of feeling this creeping anxious feeling like I have no control over anything. I am so tired of being prisoner to this fear that makes itself at home in my chest. I try so hard to keep perspective. To focus on tasks. To remember that nothing is that big or that scary or that important. I try to bring myself to a place of calm and comfort in a world that is so much larger than me . To remind myself that my life is just not that serious and that no matter what happens I will be okay. And my rational side knows this. My brain has the complete capacity to know that i will always land on my feet. That i will always find my way. That Love always finds me and holds me close in the way that I need even if it's not in the way that I might want. And that no one person, place or thing defines me. But my heart is paralyzed with fear. Fear of being alone and not having my Love returned. Fear of change and heartbreak. And I know that everyone has these fears. They are human after all. But i don't think that their ferocity is normal. Their stifling control over me. And I'm tired of feeling like this. And I refuse to believe that i cannot reach a place of peace without a little pill. I know that many people need this and I am certainly not anti-medecine. But I just can't beileve that true faith in myself can be found in a prescription bottle. There has to be another way.
But I guess that I really can't win. When my only real adult looking-to-the-future relationship first came to an end shortly after my 24th birthday I made a decision. I was not going to break apart like I had in the past. I was not going to turn into that introspective, journal writing, soul searching girl who wore her heart on her sleeve and thought everything to death. If other people could get over things with ease and fill their nights w/shallow conversation and bottles of vodka so could I. I am a fun girl after all. I Love to laugh, party and dress myself up in pretty little things. After all, why did life have to be so damn meaningful? Why had I chosen to live this way when i could be thought-free and simple and vain? This new bar-hopping, apearance obsessed version of myself seemed to be the perfect solution to years of wasted hours in my room listening to Tori and Ani and trying to uncover the mysteries of the human connection. I was now free. That girl was long gone.
And it did work. For a while anyway. For a long while. But not without repurcussions. Where I had once watched Inside the Actor's Studio religiously I now became engulfed in the world of E News. Julia Alvarez, Barbara Kingslover and Toni Morrison were now replaced by an endless supply of fashion magazines and tabloids. and my quest to make myself the best person that I could be was now my quest to be the best looking person that I could be. And I'm not going to lie. It wasn't half bad. For almost 2 years I lived in that world and spent every weekend gallavanting around in my new clothes and my new carefree attitude. and it didn't suck. and it certainly didn't hurt.
But a strange thing happened. one day I woke up and I didn't know who I was. I had actually managed to make 3 wonderful friends in the process but other than that my life was unrecognizable. And i looked in the mirror and not only didn't recognize the person staring back. But I didn't want to know her. She was sad in a different way. Scared in a different way. And I sat on my bed-the bed that has cushioned me from my toddler days until now, and I cried for the loss of myself. And I feared that she was gone for good.
But now she's back. And I do Love her. And I have reconnected with the beautiful people in my life. And now do the things that I truly Love and have found a peace within myself that has been lost for some time. And wept tears of relief when my best friend's grandmother told me that I "had such Love in my eyes." It had been so long.
But how do I stay true to myself and to the person that I want to be without all of the fear and doubt? In the superficial world that I had created nothing mattered enough to me to cause me any pain. But this world is filed with only the precious, only the important, only the invaluable. And it is a heavy load.....
This is what my boyfriend accused me of the other day when I was trying to talk to him about our relationship. And it got me thinking-I certainly know that I am not "normal." And right now I really want to be. I am so tired of feeling this creeping anxious feeling like I have no control over anything. I am so tired of being prisoner to this fear that makes itself at home in my chest. I try so hard to keep perspective. To focus on tasks. To remember that nothing is that big or that scary or that important. I try to bring myself to a place of calm and comfort in a world that is so much larger than me . To remind myself that my life is just not that serious and that no matter what happens I will be okay. And my rational side knows this. My brain has the complete capacity to know that i will always land on my feet. That i will always find my way. That Love always finds me and holds me close in the way that I need even if it's not in the way that I might want. And that no one person, place or thing defines me. But my heart is paralyzed with fear. Fear of being alone and not having my Love returned. Fear of change and heartbreak. And I know that everyone has these fears. They are human after all. But i don't think that their ferocity is normal. Their stifling control over me. And I'm tired of feeling like this. And I refuse to believe that i cannot reach a place of peace without a little pill. I know that many people need this and I am certainly not anti-medecine. But I just can't beileve that true faith in myself can be found in a prescription bottle. There has to be another way.
But I guess that I really can't win. When my only real adult looking-to-the-future relationship first came to an end shortly after my 24th birthday I made a decision. I was not going to break apart like I had in the past. I was not going to turn into that introspective, journal writing, soul searching girl who wore her heart on her sleeve and thought everything to death. If other people could get over things with ease and fill their nights w/shallow conversation and bottles of vodka so could I. I am a fun girl after all. I Love to laugh, party and dress myself up in pretty little things. After all, why did life have to be so damn meaningful? Why had I chosen to live this way when i could be thought-free and simple and vain? This new bar-hopping, apearance obsessed version of myself seemed to be the perfect solution to years of wasted hours in my room listening to Tori and Ani and trying to uncover the mysteries of the human connection. I was now free. That girl was long gone.
And it did work. For a while anyway. For a long while. But not without repurcussions. Where I had once watched Inside the Actor's Studio religiously I now became engulfed in the world of E News. Julia Alvarez, Barbara Kingslover and Toni Morrison were now replaced by an endless supply of fashion magazines and tabloids. and my quest to make myself the best person that I could be was now my quest to be the best looking person that I could be. And I'm not going to lie. It wasn't half bad. For almost 2 years I lived in that world and spent every weekend gallavanting around in my new clothes and my new carefree attitude. and it didn't suck. and it certainly didn't hurt.
But a strange thing happened. one day I woke up and I didn't know who I was. I had actually managed to make 3 wonderful friends in the process but other than that my life was unrecognizable. And i looked in the mirror and not only didn't recognize the person staring back. But I didn't want to know her. She was sad in a different way. Scared in a different way. And I sat on my bed-the bed that has cushioned me from my toddler days until now, and I cried for the loss of myself. And I feared that she was gone for good.
But now she's back. And I do Love her. And I have reconnected with the beautiful people in my life. And now do the things that I truly Love and have found a peace within myself that has been lost for some time. And wept tears of relief when my best friend's grandmother told me that I "had such Love in my eyes." It had been so long.
But how do I stay true to myself and to the person that I want to be without all of the fear and doubt? In the superficial world that I had created nothing mattered enough to me to cause me any pain. But this world is filed with only the precious, only the important, only the invaluable. And it is a heavy load.....
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Grateful Livin'
So, as I've mentioned before, I work for a hospice. There are many pretty outstanding things about my job (although some days I don't sound like it) but one of the major perks is that you are constantly reminded of the fragility of life. It's one of those things that you can only fully comprehend the magnitude of when you are faced with the thought of mortality on a daily basis. i know that this sounds morbid, but it's really quite life affirming. And gratitude is an obvious byproduct of the whole journey. Grateful for the under-the-radar pieces of daily life...So, in the spirit of it all and the shitty week that I have had thus far, I have decided to draw my attention to the tiny things that I am grateful for today. I know that a lot of you do this sort of thing and I Love reading them So here goes.....
-the very first sip of my coffee in the morning. I have now taken to the habit of pausing and sitting completely still, eyes closed, as I draw the cup to my lips. It is the first true moment of joy in my day and I feel as though it deserves the tribute of silence. And man is it worth all the drama. Spoken like a true addict I do believe. A proud one at that. I can't wait for tomorrow's sip...
-Wednesday nights. I couldn't express how much I look forward to this weekly gathering in a thousand blogs. What started as a random Wed invite to the Gilbert household over the summer has now turned into the would-die-if-i-missed-it, drive-at-the-speed-of-light-to-get-there-from-working-late, favorite part of my week. I now regretfully open my eyes to the sound of the alarm clock on that dreaded "hump day" and feel a surge of excitement thinking, "what am i excited about today? is something good happening?" And then it hits me-It's Wednesday! Some might think that I am exaggerating Think what you will, cynics! You can't take my wed nights from me. Just go ahead and try.
-Bill the gas station guy. Okay, Nin, you are going to think that I am ripping off your Jimmy the mechanic story here, but i swear on gelato that this is an honest to goodness truth. I stopped for gas today in a rush to get back to work and out comes Bill. Bill isn't the guy who is going to run the company, win the election or cure the rare illness. Some people might think that Bill is the most insignificant part of their day. But today Bill played a huge role in mine. He walked out to greet me in his navy blue "tuxedo" covered in black stains with a huge goofy smile on his face. And it hits me-this man is happy. Not happy enough, not gettin' through the day-but truly happy. And it's not because he has extreme wealth or a glamorous job. While the rest of the world is in a race to be the most successful, to live in the biggest house and to have the most letters after their names, Bill is happy to just be. And he inspires me. And he doesn't even know. And i Love that.
well, my computer time is up so I must continue my list tomorrow....until then....
So, as I've mentioned before, I work for a hospice. There are many pretty outstanding things about my job (although some days I don't sound like it) but one of the major perks is that you are constantly reminded of the fragility of life. It's one of those things that you can only fully comprehend the magnitude of when you are faced with the thought of mortality on a daily basis. i know that this sounds morbid, but it's really quite life affirming. And gratitude is an obvious byproduct of the whole journey. Grateful for the under-the-radar pieces of daily life...So, in the spirit of it all and the shitty week that I have had thus far, I have decided to draw my attention to the tiny things that I am grateful for today. I know that a lot of you do this sort of thing and I Love reading them So here goes.....
-the very first sip of my coffee in the morning. I have now taken to the habit of pausing and sitting completely still, eyes closed, as I draw the cup to my lips. It is the first true moment of joy in my day and I feel as though it deserves the tribute of silence. And man is it worth all the drama. Spoken like a true addict I do believe. A proud one at that. I can't wait for tomorrow's sip...
-Wednesday nights. I couldn't express how much I look forward to this weekly gathering in a thousand blogs. What started as a random Wed invite to the Gilbert household over the summer has now turned into the would-die-if-i-missed-it, drive-at-the-speed-of-light-to-get-there-from-working-late, favorite part of my week. I now regretfully open my eyes to the sound of the alarm clock on that dreaded "hump day" and feel a surge of excitement thinking, "what am i excited about today? is something good happening?" And then it hits me-It's Wednesday! Some might think that I am exaggerating Think what you will, cynics! You can't take my wed nights from me. Just go ahead and try.
-Bill the gas station guy. Okay, Nin, you are going to think that I am ripping off your Jimmy the mechanic story here, but i swear on gelato that this is an honest to goodness truth. I stopped for gas today in a rush to get back to work and out comes Bill. Bill isn't the guy who is going to run the company, win the election or cure the rare illness. Some people might think that Bill is the most insignificant part of their day. But today Bill played a huge role in mine. He walked out to greet me in his navy blue "tuxedo" covered in black stains with a huge goofy smile on his face. And it hits me-this man is happy. Not happy enough, not gettin' through the day-but truly happy. And it's not because he has extreme wealth or a glamorous job. While the rest of the world is in a race to be the most successful, to live in the biggest house and to have the most letters after their names, Bill is happy to just be. And he inspires me. And he doesn't even know. And i Love that.
well, my computer time is up so I must continue my list tomorrow....until then....
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
BlahBlahBlah
So have you ever gotten so damn tired of hearing yourself talk that you just can't utter another word? I mean, the kind of tired where you just want your family and friends to fill every minute of conversation and every inch of space in your overactive brain so that nothing is about you any longer? That's where I'm at. I feel like I've been so preoccupied with myself and my own life situations that I haven't taken even a moment to ask the people around me-the people that have listened to me drone on for months-how their lives are going? So here is my request, even if I don't know you well yet...or know you at all and you've just stumbled upon my blog b/c you didn't feel like doing your am report at work or sat the kids in front of the TV for once b/c you just need a minute to yourself-please tell me all about YOU and what is going on in your lives. I just can't take naother second of my slef absorbed self.
So have you ever gotten so damn tired of hearing yourself talk that you just can't utter another word? I mean, the kind of tired where you just want your family and friends to fill every minute of conversation and every inch of space in your overactive brain so that nothing is about you any longer? That's where I'm at. I feel like I've been so preoccupied with myself and my own life situations that I haven't taken even a moment to ask the people around me-the people that have listened to me drone on for months-how their lives are going? So here is my request, even if I don't know you well yet...or know you at all and you've just stumbled upon my blog b/c you didn't feel like doing your am report at work or sat the kids in front of the TV for once b/c you just need a minute to yourself-please tell me all about YOU and what is going on in your lives. I just can't take naother second of my slef absorbed self.
Monday, October 16, 2006
Enough
Well, for those of you that read Friday's blog I have good news. Just when I was obvioulsy at the end of my rope with the man in my life, he rose to the occassion and reminded me of why I fell in Love with him in the first place. Is it perfect? Nope. There's still a ton of questions and I did about 10 loads of laundry last night in an attempt to squash my anxious, racing thoughts . But before I could tell him that I was done being the only working member of this relationship, he blanketed me with his sweet, loving ways and told me that he wanted to put his arms around me and protect me from the world. And call me crazy, but i couldn't say no to that. And one day I may look back and wonder why that was enough to change my mind. But on Saturday morning w/ the first rays of light forcing their way through my blinds as I lay cuddled up in his arms it was enough. The two of us driving to Rockport in our pj's singing harmonies to the radio was enough. His quiet and complete understanding of why I couldn't go to hear him play b/c having dinner w/ my 6 year old nephew was my most important priority on Sat night was enough. Here's to believing in Love being enough....
Well, for those of you that read Friday's blog I have good news. Just when I was obvioulsy at the end of my rope with the man in my life, he rose to the occassion and reminded me of why I fell in Love with him in the first place. Is it perfect? Nope. There's still a ton of questions and I did about 10 loads of laundry last night in an attempt to squash my anxious, racing thoughts . But before I could tell him that I was done being the only working member of this relationship, he blanketed me with his sweet, loving ways and told me that he wanted to put his arms around me and protect me from the world. And call me crazy, but i couldn't say no to that. And one day I may look back and wonder why that was enough to change my mind. But on Saturday morning w/ the first rays of light forcing their way through my blinds as I lay cuddled up in his arms it was enough. The two of us driving to Rockport in our pj's singing harmonies to the radio was enough. His quiet and complete understanding of why I couldn't go to hear him play b/c having dinner w/ my 6 year old nephew was my most important priority on Sat night was enough. Here's to believing in Love being enough....
Friday, October 13, 2006
Tearful Days
So I am sitting in my office with the door shut attempting to care about the piles of paperwork on my desk. But all I can think about is the reality that I have to break up w/ my boyfriend tonight. A boyfriend that many people in my life don't even know that I have b/c of crazy circumstances. A boy that I Love so much that it is literally ripping a hole through my body to think of us not spending lazy saturdays together in bed. A boy that made me rebelieve in fairytales...if only for a little while. But I have to. I've been putting it off for weeks now. Every time I make my mind up to just go ahead and get it overwith, I see him and it's wonderful or we have a good phone conversation. But instincts don't lie. And I know that things are not the same and that it's going horribly wrong. And I'm turning into someone that I never wanted to be-an anxious, mistrusting frightened little girl who doubts herself and plays stupid games. I've worked way too hard on myself over the past six months (hell-27 years!) to turn into her. But my heart is broken and I just want this excruciating pain to go away. I want to drive home, put pajamas on and crawl into bed w/ my David Sedaris book and my DVR of Grey's Anatomy and forget that I have to start over....again....and heal this heart that is already covered in scar tissue. You know, I try to live my life the right way-Love big and take chances on people even when my inner cynic is screaming for me to protect her. And I always do but now I'm getting a little tired.....I wanted to believe in this. In a big beautiful Love story. I wanted to believe that it could really happen to me....and now I'm just left in the wreckage and sneaking off to the bathroom like a crackhead so noone knows that I am falling apart....
So I am sitting in my office with the door shut attempting to care about the piles of paperwork on my desk. But all I can think about is the reality that I have to break up w/ my boyfriend tonight. A boyfriend that many people in my life don't even know that I have b/c of crazy circumstances. A boy that I Love so much that it is literally ripping a hole through my body to think of us not spending lazy saturdays together in bed. A boy that made me rebelieve in fairytales...if only for a little while. But I have to. I've been putting it off for weeks now. Every time I make my mind up to just go ahead and get it overwith, I see him and it's wonderful or we have a good phone conversation. But instincts don't lie. And I know that things are not the same and that it's going horribly wrong. And I'm turning into someone that I never wanted to be-an anxious, mistrusting frightened little girl who doubts herself and plays stupid games. I've worked way too hard on myself over the past six months (hell-27 years!) to turn into her. But my heart is broken and I just want this excruciating pain to go away. I want to drive home, put pajamas on and crawl into bed w/ my David Sedaris book and my DVR of Grey's Anatomy and forget that I have to start over....again....and heal this heart that is already covered in scar tissue. You know, I try to live my life the right way-Love big and take chances on people even when my inner cynic is screaming for me to protect her. And I always do but now I'm getting a little tired.....I wanted to believe in this. In a big beautiful Love story. I wanted to believe that it could really happen to me....and now I'm just left in the wreckage and sneaking off to the bathroom like a crackhead so noone knows that I am falling apart....
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Inspired to Find the Good in Myself before the Weekend....
1. what do you think is one of your best qualities?
My belief in Love. No matter how many times I am disappointed or beaten down by my past relationships I always find it within myself to heal and Love again like I have never been hurt. Even though I sometimes wish that my heart would harden to protect herself from pain, I am always proud that I haven't let my past hurt keep me from the possibilty of true Love finding me in the future. (For those of you who read my next post-here's hoping i can continue on like this..... )
2. what physical feature do you love about yourself?
My smile. Its sincerity has the power to change the mood of someone that I Love from apathetic and desperate to one of genuine cheer, including my own. And it comes from a place where i am unable to fake it. If it's there then I am truly enjoying every moment spent with you. And you never have to doubt it. Warning-it is majorly infectious. So beware.
3. why do your friends really enjoy spending time with you?
Hmmm....b/c I have a knack for finding a way to have a great time in the worst of situations, my advice that always helps others but can never seem to help yours truly, my big heart that gets me into trouble all of the time, and most importantly-b/c I have never thought of close friends and family as two separate entities and prioritize my friends at the top without question. And I always will.
4. what is a skill you are very, very good at?
Scrapbooking. not so much b/c i am gifted w/ any artistic ability at all. But b/c you can feel/see the heart and soul in every page and b/c it brings such joy to those whol peruse through its pages.
5. what one gift do you offer this world, that no one else can?
My heart. It Loves really big.
6. why are you such an irreplaceable member of your family?
Well, I think everyone is so this is a tough one for me. I am an only daughter, grandaughter and sister. I am a proud Godmother to two beautiful growing girls and an aunt to my 6 year old nephew who would rather die than be caught dead getting a kiss from his auntie on the T-ball field. But I guess it's really b/c i have known the value of family since a very young age and never took that gift for granted. I am the one who will fill the matriarchial role of "woman of the family" when the next generation passes its torch: organizing b-days and hosting holidays. I only hope that i can make them proud.
7. what color do you love, and how does it personify all the wonderful things about you?
I change this a lot. Right now I would have to say brown. Rich, chocolate brown. With fall clearly underway, i am comforted by its warmth. Almost like a bear hug from someone that Loves you more than anyone else in the world. It feels like the first breath of heat when you walk into your home from a cold blustery afternoon of work or errands. It makes me feel safe. And that's where I'm at right now.
8. what is your favorite piece of clothing, and why does it make you feel so good?
I Love fashion. Some friends fault me for it b/c it appears to go against my anti-materialism outlook on life. But I think it is an extension of your personality. I can express my mood or state of mind simply by picking a different pair of earrings. That being said, accessories are my thing. I am in awe of their abilty to change the entire feel of an outfit, not to mention the person wearing them. And it intrigues me that they are usually the smallest pieces but they speak the loudest words. It inspires me. And although I Love them all, I guess my turqoise and gold dangles that look sort of like a 70's beaded hanging closet door are my fav. They make me feel feminine and funky. Pure happiness on a hook.
9. what is something you have done or given to someone else, that you think is truly amazing?
My favorite accomplishment as of yet was taking part in the wedding of my two closest friends in the universe this June. Not only was I able to stand up in support of one of the best couples that I know (Nina, you and John are in this category too. Man, I Love your Love.) but i was able to sing for their Mass and give their toast. What an honor. I've never felt luckier. It was the best day of my life!
10. what loving gift can you give to yourself today? {make sure you do...you deserve it!}
A calm heart. I haven't been truly calm in over a month. I'm exhausted w/ its rapid beating.
1. what do you think is one of your best qualities?
My belief in Love. No matter how many times I am disappointed or beaten down by my past relationships I always find it within myself to heal and Love again like I have never been hurt. Even though I sometimes wish that my heart would harden to protect herself from pain, I am always proud that I haven't let my past hurt keep me from the possibilty of true Love finding me in the future. (For those of you who read my next post-here's hoping i can continue on like this..... )
2. what physical feature do you love about yourself?
My smile. Its sincerity has the power to change the mood of someone that I Love from apathetic and desperate to one of genuine cheer, including my own. And it comes from a place where i am unable to fake it. If it's there then I am truly enjoying every moment spent with you. And you never have to doubt it. Warning-it is majorly infectious. So beware.
3. why do your friends really enjoy spending time with you?
Hmmm....b/c I have a knack for finding a way to have a great time in the worst of situations, my advice that always helps others but can never seem to help yours truly, my big heart that gets me into trouble all of the time, and most importantly-b/c I have never thought of close friends and family as two separate entities and prioritize my friends at the top without question. And I always will.
4. what is a skill you are very, very good at?
Scrapbooking. not so much b/c i am gifted w/ any artistic ability at all. But b/c you can feel/see the heart and soul in every page and b/c it brings such joy to those whol peruse through its pages.
5. what one gift do you offer this world, that no one else can?
My heart. It Loves really big.
6. why are you such an irreplaceable member of your family?
Well, I think everyone is so this is a tough one for me. I am an only daughter, grandaughter and sister. I am a proud Godmother to two beautiful growing girls and an aunt to my 6 year old nephew who would rather die than be caught dead getting a kiss from his auntie on the T-ball field. But I guess it's really b/c i have known the value of family since a very young age and never took that gift for granted. I am the one who will fill the matriarchial role of "woman of the family" when the next generation passes its torch: organizing b-days and hosting holidays. I only hope that i can make them proud.
7. what color do you love, and how does it personify all the wonderful things about you?
I change this a lot. Right now I would have to say brown. Rich, chocolate brown. With fall clearly underway, i am comforted by its warmth. Almost like a bear hug from someone that Loves you more than anyone else in the world. It feels like the first breath of heat when you walk into your home from a cold blustery afternoon of work or errands. It makes me feel safe. And that's where I'm at right now.
8. what is your favorite piece of clothing, and why does it make you feel so good?
I Love fashion. Some friends fault me for it b/c it appears to go against my anti-materialism outlook on life. But I think it is an extension of your personality. I can express my mood or state of mind simply by picking a different pair of earrings. That being said, accessories are my thing. I am in awe of their abilty to change the entire feel of an outfit, not to mention the person wearing them. And it intrigues me that they are usually the smallest pieces but they speak the loudest words. It inspires me. And although I Love them all, I guess my turqoise and gold dangles that look sort of like a 70's beaded hanging closet door are my fav. They make me feel feminine and funky. Pure happiness on a hook.
9. what is something you have done or given to someone else, that you think is truly amazing?
My favorite accomplishment as of yet was taking part in the wedding of my two closest friends in the universe this June. Not only was I able to stand up in support of one of the best couples that I know (Nina, you and John are in this category too. Man, I Love your Love.) but i was able to sing for their Mass and give their toast. What an honor. I've never felt luckier. It was the best day of my life!
10. what loving gift can you give to yourself today? {make sure you do...you deserve it!}
A calm heart. I haven't been truly calm in over a month. I'm exhausted w/ its rapid beating.
Friday, October 06, 2006
Reasons for SmilingSo I'm definitely having one of those days where it's really difficult to keep perspective. Where every little trauma that happens is larger than life and all-consuming. And just when I'm running out of reasons to keep the tears secured tightly within my eye sockets I find this picture. You see, I have had the same 3 friends since 1st grade-21 years to be exact. But life takes you far away both in distance and daily routine. But this gift that life or fate or God or whoever has given to me is my most precious possession. This pic is missing one of us, but I Love it nonetheless. It is from a night last November when life wasn't going particularly well for yours truly. But Janessa was home from LA and that in itself calls for a celebration. And this is simply us being silly. Being in love with eachother as only old girlfriends can be. Ness called me this weekend over and over without leaving a message and when I frantically called her back, all sorts of emergencies were running through my overactive brain. She answered in tears and i wondered which of these tragic scenarios had come true. I awaited the bad news from this woman who is so much a part of me that I honestly don't know where she and I begin and end....."I just wanted to call and tell you how much I Love you and how lucky I feel that we are all still friends. Nobody has old friends like us. I don't know what I would do without you guys." Ahhh...A life worth living. We're lucky too Ness. Maybe the luckiest.
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Insecure Ramblings
Well here it is. My very first blog. I'm behind the times to say the least. I often say that I was born in the wrong time...technological advances aren't really my thing. But here I am. My friend Nina inspired me (as she so often does to those who are fortunate enough to be in her world) to put myself up here and exploit my sometimes over-the-top attempts at living my life the right way. And by the right way I mean without all of the garbage that doesn't mean a damn on your last day here (I work for a hospice. can you tell?) and full of the people and things that I Love. Sometimes it goes well. Sometimes not so much. But i'm still trucking along with the rest of you. With a really good soundtrack playing in the background.....
Well here it is. My very first blog. I'm behind the times to say the least. I often say that I was born in the wrong time...technological advances aren't really my thing. But here I am. My friend Nina inspired me (as she so often does to those who are fortunate enough to be in her world) to put myself up here and exploit my sometimes over-the-top attempts at living my life the right way. And by the right way I mean without all of the garbage that doesn't mean a damn on your last day here (I work for a hospice. can you tell?) and full of the people and things that I Love. Sometimes it goes well. Sometimes not so much. But i'm still trucking along with the rest of you. With a really good soundtrack playing in the background.....
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