Thank You List-Inspired by Free Iced Coffee Day at Dunkin Donuts

Free iced coffee yesterday (clearly), my Dad (whose b-day is today), my dearest friend Janessa who I only get closer and closer to as the years go on (22 and counting) even though we haven't lived on the same coast for years, throwing my first dinner party in my new place on Sat night for my Dad's b-day, a Friday night full of relaxation tomorrow, my much-needed massage w/ Nina tonight, pandora.com, juicy green grapes for an afternoon snack, the phallic salad and scrumptious pizza last night at our weekly gathering and the great conversation that ensued b/c we didn't turn on the TV at dinner, my healthy body that has worked out twice so far this week and Loved it, my notebook full of book/CD recommendations in my purse, my new read-Wicked-waiting for me on my nightstand, myjobmyjobmyjob, singing 2 upcoming events and making some cash doing what I Love, the lovely spring day...

Some Call this Work
This job of mine is a gift beyond anything I ever could've imagined. As each day passes I meet more and more incredible people that reaffirm that Love truly exists...is abundant even...in this cynical world. Monday night I had my 3rd training class w/ my new volunteers who came with runny noses and a milion things on their plates. They came for the sole purpose of giving their time and hearts to people in need. For no monetary gain, no praise-just because.

Yesterday I started the morning at Healing Hour-a monthly guided-meditation/support session led by our chaplain. We all sat in a candle lit room with the sounds of the ocean lpaying and shared what it is to be a caretaker for the dying. The beauty disguised as sadness. The way it forces you to reframe (thanks Nin) your life and how you experience each moment.

And today really tops it all. I just finished a 2 hour meeting with a Harvard Film student who is getting her PhD in medical anthropology and the dying experience. I found her because I am interested in doing a volunteer-based documentary on the face of the hospice patient. We sat in my office and talked about everything from death rituals in Thialand to the therapuetic value of laughter to what it means to truly be alive. And I got paid for this??!!

Goodness really does reap goodness.

An Invitation to my Party
So, it's nights like tonight that I have to drop my cool exterior and give in to the loneliness. Nights when I finally get home from a draining day of work at the daunting hour of 10pm and have not much to look forward to except getting up and doing it again at 7am tomorrow. And I have to face the fact that, no matter how much I wish I were above it, I would give anything to have someone to greet me with Love and a desire to share my story. Most nights I can relish in the new book that I've purchased, movie that I've rented or yoga routine that I've got planned. And it's not a lack of authenticity. I really do enjoy time to myself and the glories of leading an independent lifestyle. But when I was cleaning the snow piled up on my car tonight with my hour commute home in my future, I just couldn't help but feel so damn sad and alone.

I hate nights like tonight. When the loneliness is palpable and suffocating.

I know it will pass. Maybe I need a good cry. To get it out of my system. But I don't feel like crying. I'm not there yet. It's just beginning to peak through, the weight of this self pity. I'm not ready to give in to it yet. I don't like wasting time on feeling sorry for myself. Life is too short.

So here is my self indulgent, pity party of an entry. I'm putting it, and myself, to bed now.

The Luck of the...Irish?
The ability to change our own lives is astonishing to me right at this moment. After a lovely St. Patrick's Day yesterday spent with various people that I Love, massive amounts of ethnic food (Irish and Mexican???) and a generally cheerful existence I couldn't help but reflect on where I had been a year ago. (This is a strange habit that I have tried to break myself of due to the obvious nostalgia/regret factor.) And the difference is startling. For the better. That is an understatement.

I'm not going to give much detail about the past but it was not a pretty picture. I was a shell of a person surrounded by people that didn't mean anything to me, behaving in ways that were not true to any version of myself and generally unfreakinhappy. Enough said.

And it amazes me that now I am walking such a different road. I am embraced by the best quality people, working at a job that both challenges and inspires me and I am so proud of my journey and the decisions that I'm making along the way. And most importantly-I am so freakin happy. For the sunshine. The music. The laughter. The food. Joy is tangible.

And it is all because I chose to change my path. The concept is so empowering. I couldn't see the slight changes along the way but they have all added up to something incredible and beautiful. And it just reminds me that we all have it within us to make our own lives worth living. It's so hard to remember that when the sky is bleak and dark. But it's always possible.

Flying Solo
this is my second attempt at an entry tonight. My patience is being tested by the universe today. So far, so good. It is certainly not my easiest quality.

But anyway...

Aahhh. I am enjoying the most relaxing glorious Friday night ever. With news of the impending storm I cancelled my dinner plans and made myself a tasty yet healthy dinner to eat while I caught up on some Grey's Anatomy. And now I have been lounging on the couch reading The Memory Keeper's Daughter, sipping on cold white wine and listening to my individual radio station on Pandora.com. For those of you who haven't experienced this technological luxury-do it now. Pure heaven.

But I am a little concerned that my Love for alone-time is slightly unhealthy. I have often wondered in the if that is the root of my relationship failures. Maybe I can't find anyone for the duration b/c I was meant to be alone? I certainly thrive on it. And many people are uncomfortable around my Love for solitude. Going to the movies alone is ne of my favorite passtimes and when I tell someone the initial reaction is to stare at me strangely and then offer to come with me. So not the point people. So not the point...

Weekend Bliss
I can't believe that it is Wednesday afternoon and I have yet to write about my incredible, relaxing, life-affirming weekend. Shame on me. So I am staying the extra 15 minutes at work to write b/c I know that tomorrow will be just as busy. I need to be better at carving time out for writing.

Anyway...I went to Albany this weekend to visit my best bud from NYU and, as usual, it was outstanding. We always manage to create the greatest weekends for ourselves. This was no exception. Friday night I escaped from work an hour early (yea!) and after an extra hour of traffic with no CD player (boo!) i arrived by 7:30. We had a quick glass of wine and then we (her long-time live-in BF Tom makes 3) headed out for out-of-this world sushi. So good. He went to work and she and I finished off the wine and a bottle of champagne (yikes!) while we battled it out in Scrabble and Gin Rummy. I lost every game. But I was having too much fun (and clearly too much drink) to care.

Sat we woke up early to much-deserved headaches but none-the-less headed to Saratoga for the day. We started at the spa where for $26 each we worked out in their gym, lounged in the steam room and took 45 minute hot mineral baths in the freash Saratoga Spring water. The tubs were deep, low and porcelain. My 5 ft body could have easily drowned. The water was brown but not scary b/c you knew it was the real deal from the earth. Such a nice change from over-processed America as we now know it. We greedily grabbed an apple each and filled our water bottles on the way out. Healthy and glowing...

We finished the adventure with lunch at a local pub and gourmet chocolate (Lake champlain Chocolates are the ONLY chocolates as far as I am concerned) and natural food store shopping. $30 of chocolate and dipping sauces later (and those were just my purchases!) we finally headed home. but not before stopping at Kohls to laugh at all the rooster themed soap dispensers and hand towels. I laughed so much that my stomach muscles were pulsating with over-use. That's living, folks.

We came home, ordered pad thai, flopped on the couch and watched Winter Passing. By far one of the best films I've seen in years. Rent it! Now! Seriously...go!

Sunday we woke Tom up early, got breakfast at a diner in a trailer (are there any other kinds?) and went open-house shopping. The weather was gorgeous and we walked from house to house in awe of our adulthood. We finished the weekend with pizza night (a tradition that i've heard about for years but had never experienced) at Tom's mom's house. I left Albany in a haze of happiness and a supreme gratitude for my life.

I hope that you all feel as lucky to be alive as I do. it is all in the little things.

Both Sides Now
You know that feeling you get in your muscles after you return to exercise after many weeks of laziness? that's how it feels to return to the world right now. I've been walking around in a haze. Not depressed really. More like numb. There's this device used in the theatre called a scrim. You use it when you want a scene to have a shadowy opaque-like feel to it. You can see the characters and the actions on the stage but it is as if they the scene was covered in smoke. And that's how I've felt. I continued living, so to speak-going through the motions of working, socializing and generally being myself. But it wasn't real. Nothing felt tangible. If I'm being honest I don't think that I really wanted it to. I think that I was afraid of what I would find beneath the surface if I let feelings in.

But I'm back. I'm sitting here after a loooong day of work listening to Cloin Hay and it is painfully clear that I have been awoken from this slumber. His voice is piercing through me like shards of broken glass on my fingertips. It feels as if my heart is literally being squeezed by a fist. And as gut-wenching as it is I am grateful to feel alive again. I am not someone who is comfortable in that state of limbo. Whatever life hands to me I normally want to experience to the fullest. But I think this time it was just too much all at once and I completely shut down. Self-preservation some would call it.

But now, almost 6 weeks after all of the shit hit the fan with relationship, roomate and family, I feel ready. Ready for whatever life brings. I came out of work on Friday from a patient's home excited to start the weekend and found that someone had smashed my car and left it. At first I had a good cry cursing the universe for my bad luck and added it to the list of my current misfortunes. But then I sat back and gave myself a talking to-

Look this is life. Ups and downs. Peaks and valleys. For better or worse. and it truly is remarkable.


Once again Joni says it best:

-I've looked at life from both sides now. From win and lose and still somehow it's life's illusions I recall. I really don't know life at all-

Just in the past year I've moved twice, fallen in Love unexpectedly with a lovely young man, watched my 2 best friends get married, gotten a promotion, started a blog, read a ton of books, been given a second chance that I didn't deserve and was true to my promise, been the victim of a hit and run, reunited with my oldest friends, applied to grad school, witnessed patients' deaths, taken my nephew bowling, strung lights on my christmas tree, fallen down the stairs, learned to Love spin class, cried with my dad over my mom's illnesses, started singing again, had my heartbroken, taken a million pictures, had a whole lot of wednesday nights at nina's, swam alone in the ocean, gotten my first (and soon tobe second) therapist, had 365 first morning sips of coffee, made meatballs, counseled a friend through a break-up, given someone a second chance, and a million other incredible big and small milestones. And most importantly I ahve begun to truly Love myself for who I am for the very first time...

So bring it on life. I'm so ready for what you've got...