Yikes
I am one of those women that really loves being a woman. All of it. From the glamorous fashionista luxuries (I do love me some accessorizing and a sephora gift certificate) to the maternal, domestic goddess creative days where baking fresh bread and crafting for hours alone at the table are still not enough, to the brooding days of our lunar cycle where solitude and journal writing are a must. I actually took a course in college called Women and the Menstrual Cycle and loved every moment of it. I feel at home with my hormones and feel lucky to live each and every day as a woman.

That being said, today I'm not so sure.

Today I have cried in traffic and alienated coworkers with my frightening, bloated face. Today I have found something sad and wrong with every aspect of my wonderful, bountiful life. Today I am not grateful. Today I am someone that I don't even enjoy being with.

I know that there's nothing any of you can do about it, but I thought I would share.

Tests on a Saturday?

I'm being tested.

My life is full to the brim with cream of the crop people. Truly compassionate, giving, funny, loyal, golden people. I may be the luckiest woman in the world. Or at least it can feel like that at times.

But lately, as I've mentioned in previous posts, there are a few people (coworkers, insecure aquaintances, and previous friends) who feel the need to say and do and say intentionally hurtful things to and about me. Although I pretend that it doesn't bother me, it can take its toll.

After thinking a lot about these people and their strange need to strike out at me, I've decided that this must be a test. God or the Universe or Mother Nature...whomever...must be trying to challenge me. To see how I will react. Will I allow these people who ride the periphery of my life to define what kind of person I am or how I feel about myself? Or will I choose to see them as the roadblocks that they are and choose to feel sad that they obvioulsy don't have the lovely spport system that I am blessed with. If they did, why would they spend so much energy hating me?

So I have a choice. And after losing much sleep last night, I am choosing option number two.

Who knew that adulthood would come with its ow set of SAT's?

In Need of a List

cranberry cream cheese dip, weekends away with Bobby in Rockport, 4-day long wedding festivities, squash soup, kitty head bands, Big Lots ornament dividers in my future, Debbie Gibson kareoke, Nina's couch, taking one class next semester, Tori Amos, online grocery coupons, dreaming of sushi, seasonal tastes and smells, making the worst piece of pottery ever, pumpkins everywhere, my mom and her new journey, footless tights, wanting to adopt every animal at the fair, making my bed 90% of the time, Grace's Halloween cupcakes, long underwear inspired shirts, new necklaces, turkey burgers with cheese cooked inside of them, Bobby's cat Jones, pumpkin flavors everywhere, sweaters, whole wheat pancakes, saying "I love you" with my feet at night, scrapbooking all alone, flavored coffee creamers....Here's to a weekend full of these treasures and more....

Surrender

I haven't blogged in a month.

It is what it is.

At least that's what I'm trying to tell myself. I'm struggling these days with the idea of things being "enough." I am hitting an interesting point in my life. Up until now, I have been very fortunate in both my school and work life. In my academic endevours I studied hard, showed up to class ready to learn and processed as much as my little head and heart could take in. Teachers and professors loved me from preschool to graduate school. Once I began the job-portion of my life, this work ethic translated beautifully. I was on time, worked as hard as I could and always had a huge smile on my face even in the worst of circumstances. Bosses and coworkers loved me.

So what happens when the luck runs out?

Let me start by saying that I still adore my job. It is difficult but rewarding. The commute is awful but my volunteers and patients make it all worthwhile. And the majority of my coworkers are lovely and make me proud to call them my peers.

But there is one person who I cannot please no matter what I do. And who i believe has made it her personal mission to make me look bad.

I know what you're thinking: she's paranoid. i thought the same thing of myself at first. When this whole thing began a year ago I told myself that I was acting crazy. I thought, "just work as hard as you can and she will figure out that she is wrong." Nope. Then i thougt, "kill her with kindness. She'll have to give in. " Two strikes. And then, after aquiring concrete evidence that she is out to get me, I had to give in to the reality of it. And it feel terrible.

But why I ask you, does it even matter? If I know in my heart that I am doing a great job, and certainly working as hard as I can, and that all of my other colleagues love working with me and show me tremendous support and positive reinforcement, why does it matter that one woman hates me? Am I that dependant on others' thoughts of me, that her dislike can make me lose countless nights sleep? And make me question finding a new job???

Obvioulsy, the problem lies within myself.

So, my new mission is to surrender to the fact that she will never like me. Never praise me. Never be proud to be my coworker. And it's okay.

I am waving my white flag...at least for tonight....

Back to Life
Well once again my blogging life has taken a backseat to real life. Not that this is a bad thing necessarily. But I can't believe that an entire season...nearly two.... have passed since my last entry. Spring was just beginning to blossom and now fall is on the horizon. Well, at least in the mornings. I love leaving my house for work and feeling that crisp air on my face. I am a fall lover. No two ways about it. So, to welcome myself back, here are five things:

1. The recent long weekend filled with just enough time spent being social and energetic with family and friends ( 3 gatherings just on on Sunday) as well as cuddling up with my sweet man on the couch with pints (and yes I said pints) of delicious gelato and movies.

2. My application to grad school smiling at me on my desk. I am both nervous and so excited to be back to school again. Oh-and even better-finding out that I can take the MAT instead of the GRE for admission which means NO MATH! The sweetest words in the english language for yours truly.

3. The anticipation of my new niece or nephew that is growing inside of my sister-in-law's belly as we speak. 3 months from today I will be an auntie and Godmother again if all goes as planned. I can't wait to rub my hands all over his or her teeny face.

4. My new kitchen table (well, new to me anyway) that makes my home seem more friendly. I sat at it last night with a friend for the first time and it felt so warm and familiar. here's to many more gatherings with loved ones at that table.

5. My upcoming annual long weekend with the girls in P-Town. I look forward to much laughter and catching up with old friends. And then a Tuesday spent with just myself. Reading, yoga, scrapbooking....I can't wait.

So that's me and my five things. It feels good to be back!

LaLaLaLife is Wonderful....
I just can't seem to settle myself down in front of the computer for anything once work is over these days. I am so resentful that I have to spend so many gorgeous days saddled to my job (as much as I might Love it) that the thought of typing even one word after hours is just impossible to me.

No, this is wrong. I sound as though I am a Negative Nelly right now, but actually my life is as lovely as it comes these days. Hence the title...

Firstly there's the sunshine. Not right now as the sky looks like a child on the verge of a tantrum. But the air has been remarkably mild and kind these days, and as someone with an undiagnosed, yet very real, seasonal affective disorder situaton going on, I couldn't be more euphoric.

Secondly, I have been taking the absolute best care of my body lately and it feels so good! After a much-needed and well-deserved lazy gluttonous winter (as all winters should be) I have now been devoting my funds to as many natural and organic foods as my wallet can manage and I've been exercising almost daily. I feel alive, totally in tune with my body and high on much-needed endorphins. i also had a wonderful holistic-affirming experience last week. My doctor at the ER warned me that I would be in an unbearable amount of pain after a car accident and that I would be unable to return to work for a day or two. Yet after an hour of yoga post-accident, my body recuperated so well that I was in my car at 7:30 am on my way back to the office the very next day. it felt so great to have healed my own physical pain. Empowering is the word I believe. Go stretchy muscles!

My familial relationships and friendships seem to be thriving as well. I feel that, for the first time that i can remember, I have a good solid connection with all the important peeps in my world. Normally there is at least one or two people that I neglect in order to spend ample time with others. But after a combination of weeding through the bad apples and being honest with how i enjoy spending my time, I seem to have found a healthy, attainable middle-ground between alone time and time with those that I Love. It's about time...

And for my last pollyanna paragraph-the boy. Well, 9 dates in (!!!!) he just keeps getting better. Saturday night he made me a delicious healthy dinner. The thing that makes me swoon (yes i said 'swoon') is that he just puts so much thought and effort into everything. I feel so lucky! I introduced him to gelato ( how could we take our relationship further if he doesn't like gelato?) and we sat on his couch with our mini shovels (i brought pink and blue-I am becoming lamer by the second!) and ate out of the container. It was unreal. And after two hints from him about how he hasn't met any of my friends yet, I have begrudgungly made dinner plans with my friend Erin and her SO for Friday night. I'm trying so hard to act like a normal girl and not a girl with major relationship fears. And i think he buys it. So far so good. I'm just trying to enjoy it day by day...

until next time....

The Beauty of a Mango
I think that blogging once a week is my new goal. Beyond that I just can't seem to make it happen at the moment. So if I can at least write one entry a week I will be satisfied. I started this entry on Tuesday morning. It is Thursday afternoon. See what I mean?

So here are the highlights:

Last weekend was a whirlwind. Full is an understatement. After a drunken fun-filled Thursday night with friends and the new boy (insert big smile here) I spent most of Friday night on my couch relaxing and preparing for an unusual Saturday morning of work.

Saturday was fantastic. i was heading to my conference bright and early-ice coffee and luna bar in hand by 8am and on my way to hear one of my very favorite end-of-life-care speakers, Maria Sirios. She presented a workshop on Boundaries for the Hospice Caregiver and, as usual, she was informative and inspiring. I bought her book and had her sign it. i'm such a nerd. It is a memoir of her internship year spent working with children at the Dana Farber Cancer Institute. it may sound depressing but it is just the opposite. It is life affirming and filled with compassion and reminders of how lucky we all are to be here and to be healthy and simply alive. We can all use that reminder from time to time....

Saturday night and Sunday day were spent with many friends and family. Suprise 40th b-day parties, some late-night live music to support and old friend at a local pub and one of my favorite musicals with my nana. Sweet, fun and relaxing.

Sunday night was by far the pinnacle of the weekend! Date numero 3 with the boy. And as impossible as I thought it might be-he got cuter and sweeter. He shows up at my door holding a mango. why you ask? Well, so did I. "i went to buy you flowers but they were ugly and I know you love fruit. I figured that you would have apples and oranges. But I assumed you wouldn't have a mango." He took me for delicious sushi and we shared the mango for dessert.

What else is there left to say? He gets me. I can't believe it but he does. Here's hoping...